thank you both for your responses!

these are actually things I have been noticing as i started journalling and spoken to my therapist about. as the physical anxiety has lessened, i have definitely been feeling better with my SO. my main issue is that due to the OCD tendencies, I’m CONSTANTLY checking my feelings in every moment with him — making me feel like the relationship is more of a test run than actually enjoying quality time. i feel like i still also get these thoughts and doubts, mainly b/c are relationship is progressing (we’re at 5 months, I’ve never been with anyone past 6). although i very much enjoy his company and am lucky to have him, i feel like i’m in fight-flight mode. my fear is that the longer i’m in this relationship, the more hurt I will face when we break up (not if, since I believe lots of things in my life are doomed)

as with the stress, i honestly don’t think my excessive assignments or slight financial issues should warrant a breakup. me and him are stressed in our own lives, but i think you can still be in a healthy relationship and not let outside stress bleed in. for me at least, it’s my mental health issues/ongoing therapy that very much gets to me. since i’m learning more about my anxiety and behaviors, i think that is what makes me dissect my relationship to no end. it’s good in that i can see what is going wrong and if it’s worth fixing, but also makes everything feel less natural.

we’re either of you in therapy or taking meds while in a relationship? i think it’s worth seeing if this is a wrong fit rather than abruptly ending it. stress is part of our everyday lives, and i never handled it well — relationship or not. i love being stuck in my comfort zone 🙁

yes exactly. I have started to see unhealthy patterns I perform in any relationship, but since there is so much anxiety attached to him now (due to the recurring thoughts/actions) it is so extremely hard to tell if my feelings of numbness or anxiety have to do with our compatibility (which has always been good, so can’t see why that would change overnight? although we did move quite fast in the beginning) or because I simply cannot heal well from my mental health. I also cannot tell if romantic relationships are the cause of my anxiety, and I’m just destined to be single (a fear that debilitates me — I do not fear being alone, but not being able to ever get married and have kids).

I dealt with these issues for about 3 weeks, then once I found myself spending more time with friends as well, and doing very fun things with my boyfriend, i had felt back to normal for 2 weeks. Yet when we had another fight again, concerning my anxiety (him being upset that I kept pushing/pulling him), I have not been well since then. Arguments do not make me uncomfortable, and me and him are good at solving issues. Although, the feeling that my mental health is a burden on our relationship has been forcing me to believe that I should not be in one, that maybe I’m not ready to face myself by being in one, and he does not deserve to deal with my up and down moods.

Hi Anita!

i think I had a pleasant childhood, good parents and siblings, but I was always very insecure in how I compared myself to my older and younger sister. I often got jealous of the attention I did not get, that maybe started around 12 years old. Also did not have many friends in middle school, and high school I had a very large group of friends, and hung out with them every single day. I was suddenly extremely alone in college, and became very dependent on having company. Which is a bit confusing for me to understand, since I often pushed people away (mostly because I feel like a burden to people when I am depressed/upset). I gained a lot of self confidence by being on my own throughout those years. I also completely avoided any serious relationship in the past 3 years, due to never wanting to experience an awful breakup again. Although I experienced a few anyway, and reflected on them in an optimistic way, I was also happy deep down. Boyfriends I spend too much time with, and end up getting annoyed or bored very easily. With my current boyfriend, I hadn’t felt so comfortable and confident with someone in such a long time, but I suddenly felt insecure and annoyed again. In reality, I would not care if we broke up (I don’t feel like I need a man to enhance my happiness), but I want to share my life with him. Im just not sure how to do it without constantly feeling overwhelmed with the “serious and committed” label put on it, and how to stop being scared of feeling guilty about disappointing people. I also do not have too many hobbies or friends, so a part of me wants to push him away so I don’t depend on him for happiness, while another part of me wants him and to do other things.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by GC.