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GCParticipant
hey!!
my situation is a bit different, since I don’t feel anxiety until later on as relationships get serious, but I definitely understand that feeling of putting someone on a pedestal, feeling very anxious of the unknown or being rejected. i always deal with these issues, no matter how well i’m doing in my single/independent life. i think it’s so hard with relationships all of a sudden, due to the uncertainty of them. the best advice I can give you is to take things very slow with who you meet, while focusing on your own work, interests, hobbies, will definitely make you realize what’s more important. mindfulness or breathing exercises are wonderful as well.
have you thought of psychotherapy?? I’ve been doing it, and it’s a huge help for me. once we can understand the patterns of our thoughts and behaviors, especially based on our past, we’re on our way to accepting whatever comes us our way (good or bad) and being our best selves! if therapy isn’t an option, there’s some great books you can read on it too.
hope that helps, and keep us updated :`)
GCParticipantthank you both for your responses!
these are actually things I have been noticing as i started journalling and spoken to my therapist about. as the physical anxiety has lessened, i have definitely been feeling better with my SO. my main issue is that due to the OCD tendencies, I’m CONSTANTLY checking my feelings in every moment with him — making me feel like the relationship is more of a test run than actually enjoying quality time. i feel like i still also get these thoughts and doubts, mainly b/c are relationship is progressing (we’re at 5 months, I’ve never been with anyone past 6). although i very much enjoy his company and am lucky to have him, i feel like i’m in fight-flight mode. my fear is that the longer i’m in this relationship, the more hurt I will face when we break up (not if, since I believe lots of things in my life are doomed)
as with the stress, i honestly don’t think my excessive assignments or slight financial issues should warrant a breakup. me and him are stressed in our own lives, but i think you can still be in a healthy relationship and not let outside stress bleed in. for me at least, it’s my mental health issues/ongoing therapy that very much gets to me. since i’m learning more about my anxiety and behaviors, i think that is what makes me dissect my relationship to no end. it’s good in that i can see what is going wrong and if it’s worth fixing, but also makes everything feel less natural.
we’re either of you in therapy or taking meds while in a relationship? i think it’s worth seeing if this is a wrong fit rather than abruptly ending it. stress is part of our everyday lives, and i never handled it well — relationship or not. i love being stuck in my comfort zone š
GCParticipantyes anita, that is exactly what happens! thank you so much for all of your insight. I will definitely discuss it more with my therapist. hopefully as I progress in therapy, my relationship will benefit from it as well. if not, and I find myself thinking it is simply not a right fit, I can move on š
i also experienced a very bad depressive episode about 2 months ago — had no interest in everyone and everything. i expected my boyfriend to make me feel better, but nothing helped. I pinned a lot of it on him, I believe. Dating and relationships have caused me a lot of distress/depression in the past, so that is probably why I did that instinctively. hopefully I can work through it!
GCParticipantyes exactly. I have started to see unhealthy patterns I perform in any relationship, but since there is so much anxiety attached to him now (due to the recurring thoughts/actions) it is so extremely hard to tell if my feelings of numbness or anxiety have to do with our compatibility (which has always been good, so can’t see why that would change overnight? although we did move quite fast in the beginning) or because I simply cannot heal well from my mental health. I also cannot tell if romantic relationships are the cause of my anxiety, and I’m just destined to be single (a fear that debilitates me — I do not fear being alone, but not being able to ever get married and have kids).
I dealt with these issues for about 3 weeks, then once I found myself spending more time with friends as well, and doing very fun things with my boyfriend, i had felt back to normal for 2 weeks. Yet when we had another fight again, concerning my anxiety (him being upset that I kept pushing/pulling him), I have not been well since then. Arguments do not make me uncomfortable, and me and him are good at solving issues. Although, the feeling that my mental health is a burden on our relationship has been forcing me to believe that I should not be in one, that maybe I’m not ready to face myself by being in one, and he does not deserve to deal with my up and down moods.
GCParticipantfrom what I remember, yes i felt like that a lot at times. I never thought too much of my childhood in the context of my relationships. I know I have an avoidant anxious attachment style, yet even that is a little confusing to understand yet. A part of me also feels silly, like Iām making excuses about my relationship by diving so much into my past, when the answer could just be right in front of me. If it can work out between us, Iām also just scared of how I will be able to maintain both a relationship and intense self exploration. So many people say you should be single to find yourself out, but I would like to grow with him.
GCParticipantHi Anita!
i think I had a pleasant childhood, good parents and siblings, but I was always very insecure in how I compared myself to my older and younger sister. I often got jealous of the attention I did not get, that maybe started around 12 years old. Also did not have many friends in middle school, and high school I had a very large group of friends, and hung out with them every single day. I was suddenly extremely alone in college, and became very dependent on having company. Which is a bit confusing for me to understand, since I often pushed people away (mostly because I feel like a burden to people when I am depressed/upset). I gained a lot of self confidence by being on my own throughout those years. I also completely avoided any serious relationship in the past 3 years, due to never wanting to experience an awful breakup again. Although I experienced a few anyway, and reflected on them in an optimistic way, I was also happy deep down. Boyfriends I spend too much time with, and end up getting annoyed or bored very easily. With my current boyfriend, I hadnāt felt so comfortable and confident with someone in such a long time, but I suddenly felt insecure and annoyed again. In reality, I would not care if we broke up (I donāt feel like I need a man to enhance my happiness), but I want to share my life with him. Im just not sure how to do it without constantly feeling overwhelmed with the āserious and committedā label put on it, and how to stop being scared of feeling guilty about disappointing people. I also do not have too many hobbies or friends, so a part of me wants to push him away so I donāt depend on him for happiness, while another part of me wants him and to do other things.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by GC.
GCParticipanthello Anita! Thank you so much for your response.
Yes, I did not have a romantic relationship until I was about 18. I fantasized about them definitely, which may equate to the many high expectations/assumptions I make about relationships now, often leading me to be nit-picky or quickly disappointed. As for my family, I was either teased very much about being too sensitive, leading me to push people away, or given very big responsibilities. As an adult, it was often the reason I left most relationships as well (did not want to have to worry/take care of an SO, they were too emotionally draining, was too busy to maintain a relationship, very used to being independent and only caring for myself), and therefore only kept things strictly casual. My parents are also divorced. It does not upset me, but seeing how my mother always talks about making the wrong decision “from the very beginning” definitely makes me extremely anxious about my own relationships, and commitment. I always fear doing the “wrong” thing, as to why I feel that I need to constantly satisfy an SO to make sure they like me. Men also intimidate me (verbal and sexual trauma) so I can struggle with confidence a bit.
no relationships have ever lasted more than 6 months. i think this may also be a gut reaction from my past, putting myself in flight-fight mode. it is hard for me to believe anything will last longer, and if it does, i get even more scared that the longer it lasts, the more i will be hurt if we break up.
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