Dear Anita –

I think it is accurate to say that I am extremely mad! I’m not sure exactly at whom but I am mad. I’ve been eating donuts all day which is bad because I’m diabetic. The stories I play in my head seem so real and they are filled with anger. They are filled with blame towards others, towards myself. It’s accurate to say I’m not doing much to help myself. In fact, my therapist, who has been allowing me to text her through my depression and pain has said that I am not trying. I keep sending her texts about my ex-wife and nothing about what I’m trying to do for me. Who am I? Who do I want to be? I feel so close to being that angry psycho ex husband who causes a scene because he’s painted a picture that is so clear in his mind. Perhaps I’m ruminating again Anita – saying the same things – I don’t know.

It’s accurate to say that I don’t like me. I don’t like my thoughts, my actions, my physical appearance, my lack of motivation. I tell myself I’m trying but I really am not trying. I’m not sure where I learned that – there’s something inside that says “I can’t do it.”

For all the intellectualization and wonderful words I read in the books I pour over to learn and become a better person. There’s not one I can think of that’s done me any good when I consider where I find myself. I pray to the spirits around me – I ask them for the guidance out of my self-induced hell. Day after day, I do the same things, think the same thoughts and look forward to just getting into bed at night so I can read more books that I’ll forget by the time I wake up. Then more head is immediately filled with thoughts of my ex and her new macho boy friend. And then the pain starts all over again.

Sorry Anita, I’ve done it again. I seem to want to wallow. What’s wrong that I want to wallow? What am I getting out of it. There are days lately when I eat donuts (I’m not a huge guy by the way, just need to lose weight – but diabetes too!) anyway where I say “just take me now – take me away – kill me donut.” Certainly not positive but feels accurate. Did you mean something else Anita or am I just missing the mark again? I really can’t remember the last time I was happy. That makes me sad and scared. All the books I read lately say that I have everything I need right now to be completely happy yet I think I’m still searching for something. When we seek we suffer. I’m not good enough just as I am, not accurate, but a belief.

Thanks all – this is helpful – I know so much of it is how I see myself and she always did say “I’m not what you really want.” And, of course you can interpret that as you’re not what I want. I was too much of a couch potato for her. I’m trying to live life more now and be more active. My ex got breast cancer 8 months ago and has completed all the treatment. Turns out I found out two days ago that she had flown to Florida to be with a man who had been there for her during her cancer. I know that I should feel great for her she had someone with her and it may turn into more than just a friendship. I asked her about it and was hurt – she doesn’t want me to ask her anything more about her personal life which I guess is fine. It hurts me so deeply though – I wanted to be next to her during that time. But she’s found some studly guy and of course I’m already thinking I’m less than and a wimp. This guy used to be a fighter pilot. My self talk says I am a total loser. I have put my ex on such a pedestal that I feel my happiness depends on her and although I know this to not intellectually be true I still feel it. The pain is immense and I do mean immense – debilitatingly so. It’s like someone swooped in and stole what I thought was mine. He got to be the hero and of course looks the part too. I feel so bad about myself it’s awful. I really am trying to get a support group around me and I’ve started to exercise and I do try to eat healthy. The thoughts of them together are just awful. I’ve got to find some tools to get it out of my head. I feel like I failed her and now she’s mad because I got too jealous and wimpy. This pain is awful. Why am I always the one on the side that hurts so much? Am I too sensitive? Are there women out there who want that kind of guy? I guess, like someone said, I need to like me first. In the meantime I watch and ache as my ex moves on with her life. I went to the ER last night just because I was in so much pain.

I find this helpful actually:

http://www.detoxifynow.com/et_pain_body.html

bettywhite – Thanks for your perspective. It was quite comforting. I think there just may be an addictive nature to my rumination. It hurts to keep thinking about her but it could be that she’s a distraction for some other hurt that has nothing to do with her. Boy, it sure feels like I miss her though, even though she didn’t treat me very well in the marriage.

I feel like I’m in a world all by myself and nobody gets me – am I so lost I can’t even see how I come across?

The fact that no one has responded – while I’m sitting here aching – makes me think, “boy that guys messed up, I’m not responding to him.”

Can I get some perspective?

Thanks all for your wise comments. I’m at a place sometimes when I can “see” what you’re saying and I know what is best. Like holding better boundaries and having minimal contact. Sometimes she calls and asks if I will come fix her TV or computer or printer…..I need to say No, but it’s like if you’re so done with me then why do you keep calling and needing me.

I know it shouldn’t matter what she does, it’s how I respond. I know meditation will help – my therapist has been suggesting it for years but I keep avoiding it. It’s like if I don’t have weight, job, money, ex to worry about than who am I. I find myself pacing the floor a lot lately just figuring out what to do next as I’m aware that I don’t want to numb (eat, watch tv, spend).

Much of the time the thoughts are…”how can she be over this so easily and just wants to be friends? I can’t be her flippin friend right now, shouldn’t that be OK? I’ve told her a million times how I’m not over this and it’s difficult but she keeps reeling me in. We were texting friendly like over kid stuff just minutes after the grocey store encounter. Does she like hearing me say “I think you’r beautiful?” Ugh, that sounds repelling to me after I say it. I’ve done a lot of repelling over the years – and when I realize how much I’ve done (do) it I want to apologize profusely for doing it. What a vicious ugly cycle!

Bottom line is I think I know what I need to do, I just am not doing it.