You are right. I should apply the blunt force side of me to just sever the matter. Still hurts though. For the first time in a decade, I thought I had found a match. Was prepared to give fully of myself, time, and resources. Feel like I am an idiot for letting my self get blinded by the deep feelings I had for her. Kind of scares the hell out of me. At least the relationship did not reach the physical stage.

As I am trying to improve emotional awareness and insight, have been trying to figure out the why behind such behavior. Is it a sense of power to jerk people around emotionally to get something from them? Ultimately, it seems like a losing strategy. People get tired of it. Even people naive to such things get tired of it.

Right now, she’s in her early 30’s and cute and svelte. She would turn a few heads walking into a room. Would probably have no trouble finding somebody who would shack up with her in exchange for working on projects, etc. however, she’s not always going to be young, cute, and svelte.

Why would somebody choose manipulation and games over a relationship? Of course, maybe I am just too much to put up with… But, seriously, apparently not just me. Is it fear of commitment? Is it some species of sadism where people get their kicks out of playing emotional games with people who care?

Seems like such a self-defeating behavior. Yes, you may get something out of the other person, but at what cost? Some people, like me, just walk away hurt and asking why choose so little as opposed to so much. Other people have far nastier responses, the least of which is beating the snot out of someone.

Today, I sat down and put a listing together of the things that I was looking for in a significant other. Also put a list of things together that I would probably need to do, be, or change.

Took a look at myself and came to the conclusion that I still have a lot to work on in terms of attitude and outlook. Have been working on being happier and more optimistic. I smile more than I used to. Though, has been very challenging lately due to job issues.

Trying to figure out how people have faith that they will find a suitable partner. My birthday is coming up in late August. I would absolutely love to be in some sort of relationship at that point. The thing is, that doesn’t feel like typical goal stuff.

I don’t really have much faith, in either a higher power or in humanity. Started out Methodist, now pretty much a nihilist atheist. Particularly in the realm of moral nihilism. Kind of strange given what I do.

I so want to believe that there is somebody for me out there. Right now, there are few things more important to me than finding that special someone. Live in a town where men out number women on a stupid scale. Anyone of any quality, assuming they are not terrified to come out here, gets snapped up pretty fast. My qualities are inner, not much to talk about outerwise.

So, how does one develop faith in good outcomes in this are?

Went out and toured an outdoor event today. Was surprised at being able to get people to smile back. So used to other reactIons that such is foreign. Not sure why, but getting a woman to smile back invokes almost a feeling of well being.

You are right. I seem to find women I am attracted to, but aren’t really available. Struck up a conversation with an intelligent and beautiful woman today, only to learn that due to the nature of our jobs, it wouldn’t work. Sigh… So hard to find those attributes out here. She lit up and and smiled just looking at me, and was immediately ready to talk. Never had that reaction from a woman before. Is that what is supposed to happen?

I will re-read the posts, and comment after.

Was lunch. Had exchanged phone numbers. I had asked that if we could ethically date given our professions, would she be interested. I don’t do the dinner thing. People sometimes have additional concerns/expectations in that scenario.

I had been asking about what she looked for in people, etc. Dhe had referenced liking museums and I had suggested a Canadian city about 180 miles North of here. She expressed in making a weekend trip up there with me.

When asked about dating, she said that she had just gotten out of a relationship and needed time.

Since then have had a bunch of mixed messages. She will avoid me at times and then ask questions. She showed up in my office one day in an amazing blouse and thigh-length skirt combo and striking poses while we were talking. It was absolutely to die for. The next day cold as ice. Later she was all chatty, interactive, etc. while wearing a black and white thin strap low neck-line body conforming dress. Next day cold as ice. Back and forth and back and forth stuff.

Like I said, just don’t get people.

Working my way through the learned optimism book. Experimenting with meeting people. At least I got to two lunches with the on/off gal, so far have been stood up by the most recent gal I asked to lunch.

You have a pretty good handle on some of it. Not really even sure what happiness looks like anymore. Closest I can imagine is the state where I felt great and actually wanted to get up in the morning while things were going well with that gal.

Get lied to quite a bit on the job. Not just defendants, but attorneys as well. Simply stated, tend to not trust people.

To a certain extent, my grandfather and my father were similar. I went to the wrong schools, etc. My last contact with my grandfather was in a nursing facility where he yelled at me and accused me of being worthless. He died a few days later, interestingly, he was so problematic that I think the staff waited for some hours to even check. He tended to be verbally abusive and could be physically abusive to my grandmother. They were from a generation that didn’t get divorced. He was, despite bragging about things, not very astute. Her adoptive father was a very well-to-do gentleman farmer in Illionis who had offered to buy up tracts of quality land down in Florida to provide investments for them. My grandfather didn’t want to be indebted to him (ironically, my great grandfather would probably never have missed the money). Needless to say, bad call.

Had some serious stumbling early on in my working life. Looking back on things, I can see that my problematic people skills really hurt in academia and the workforce. Needless to say, I did not make the most of going to an excellent undergrad/grad school.

Have been reading that book on learned optimism. Never realized how much a lack of a sense of control over one’s life can really mess with you.

Kind of turned to work as a means to get successes, and, it would seem, to hide from other issues. The sad thing is, I don’t really get joy from the successes there anymore. Come to think of it, life is pretty much devoid of joy.