Hi Anita,

Did you had this definition ready or you just came out with it, I can not find a better way to put it!

Just describing redemption as a gift is phenomenal, as an unconditional state of mindset.
If I can imagine this state of mindset in a physical manner, it would be some thing like a Lego set.
Then you put the pieces together to form a shape, one can use it to build a car and another would use it to build a plane. And at some moment this toy could fall into pieces. I guess what am trying to say that forgiveness is a process building a bridge between 2 persons that would need constant maintenance from both sides.

“Being honest about his motivation and the abuse done” I guess that is the most critical point in redemption that an abused person can not ask for, if you can describe forgiveness as a gift, I can say that this is the gift card.

And the normal way is that you get in the gift shop and present your gift card to get your gift. It cannot go the other way around.

I guess it is just human nature, the tendency to forgive, and without these steps the forgiveness is just fake, it is just a paper bridge that fall by a small breath of air.

And till that you just need to step back and give the other side space to figure it out him self, or it will never be.

I feel I was judgemental/provocative in my before messages, and I apologies for that, but it was just a step leading us to our current state.

Correct me if am wrong?

Cya,

Anita,

I promise you I’ll be more attentive in the future to what am posting here and what I want form it. Either this or that.

But if you still have anything that you wonder in these before messages please go ahead and ask, I can not leave you with the wrong message here!

Believe me for people with bipolar disorder it is not that easy at all, some times you are too overwhelmed with thoughts that you actually are thinking of nothing, it is like a beehive in your head, I can not find someone who had been able to explain how the mind of a person suffering of bipolar disorder other than Marya Hornbacher and he Times bestseller book “Madness:a bipolar life”, I really thought I was never gonna find someone who could put it as simple as he, You can check her book intro, it’s free on Google books, and it can give you a glimpse.

What if I told that my mom her self suffered from child abuse, domestic abuse, and she was a working women, who bared all that and still stayed married to our dad just for our sake, I really believe she also abused her self there.
What if I told you that my dad was an orphan who had to work summers since he was 8 to cover his expenses and education, a war veteran and an advocate, and kept working till he got his brain stroke.
What if I told you, that my dad was the best friend of my uncle, who is my mothers brother, and that he had spent most of his childhood in that home full of domestic abuse.
What if, and what if, people are not born abusers they are raised like one, and yet we have the advantages of our generation and knowledge to face our pain. They lived in the dark ages when the radio was a mesmerizing invention!
If you want to know some one, you have to know where is he coming from, not where he went?!

Hi Anita,

I know that I tend to jump through my thoughts that other would have difficulty understanding me, and some times I can not focus my thoughts, please pardon me, also am writing on iPad here as my laptop is in repair so please bare with me it is not that easy. I tend to just thread my thoughts, and I know it jumps all over, but it easier for me like that.

In that part about, “What would drive someone……” I agreed with you that the abused child tends not to say he/she was abused as a lake of trust, but I have just added to this conclusion that the abused child would associate the idea of him being beaten with the idea that he did some great mistake that he should be ashamed of and not mention it, and even if he wants to mention the abuse he is afraid that he will be beaten again by the person he is telling because that person would know what great mistake he did! And my very long story was about that, about when the teacher hit me and I did not tell my mom, other than it had too many diversions within that if removed would not have affected the frame of story.

I know am hard to follow, I myself face the Same dilemma with my mind, some times the thoughts are too fast for me to follow rather than expressing them, and other times am trying to write too fast to catch all of them, and when am writing stories about my childhood I tend not to read them before sending, because I know then I’ll face the burden of retacking them in and I have just let them out, I just can not read my own story, it is sad!

I have just read this post in one child abuse web site, it is that when you send your message out, you are sending to relief yourself from the burden you are carrying, and not for the sake of someone answering you, it tends to be less stressful if you did not expect an answer or you receive what you did not expect. Am sorry if I was taken by that idea to that extent. But having a loyal partner like you here, I promise you I’ll be more focused on the idea am presenting.

You understand very well, I tend to be confusing, I guess my grammar is like Yoda form star wars 🙂

Hi Anita,

I really cannot remember when I mentioned that point, of accepting the abuse, intentionally ar I was an unconscious question that came out, and I needed an answer to, which is resembling this scenario, I was in 4th grade, and here in our country we study religion at school, an since majority are Muslims and Christians are minority, the Christian kids were usually picked up with a creation teatcher to teach them about Christianity, I used to wonder how these kids felt in that walk of shame, how are you forced to be kicked out of your class coz you are a minorty, and by the way we recently had an Arabic movie that addressed this issue, it is a great movie and it felt great that someone thougt about and act upon it! Any ways, Our school during that period had an issue of space, and there were a room at the end of our 4th grade class, that was originally used as a storage area for furniture, and most of the Christians were been brought to that room, and I see the walk of shame of coming in, so that day bothe thatchers were late, our 4th grader and the Christians teacher, I heard a fuss at the end of the class, and when I went there I sow a cople of kids from my class standing by the door and the Christian kids inside the room, and between them a pile of school bags and they were playing war, it sounded fun then, but actually thinking about it now it feels very racist not the kids action but the idea of a group of Muslim kids playing war against a group of Christian kids, I was just watching them smiling, one kid inside the room had this pice of wood shaped like a machine gun, and I was just crazy how he came out with that idea, and this is just me being crafty as usual, I used to build some of my toys, he used a part of a broken kindergarten chair, I just felt like needing a that toy, so I waited till recess and when the class room was clear, I went in that room looking for a similar pice of wood, but I could not find any where, so me being crafty I decided to used one of the chairs piled up in that room like trash to make one, and just when I took a chair and placed it in the middle of the room and while I was kicking the leg of I heard a scream that relent me speechless, just this face full of makeup with a big mouth opening and screaming the most negative things you can say to a child, he just psychologically analyzed me in that single moment, she did not ask, or question, she was just stating all the psychological disdvantages you can describe a kid with, and she just slapped me on the face, surely I screamed, and cried but I just can not remember what happened next, am sitting with this since teacher, who by the way called her kid she was pergranent with at the moment after my name, I used to like her before that day, she was marking some note books, and started ask me about home, my mom my dad, he was abroad at the period, and just when it sad that it was as if she found a treasure, that’s the reason you ar acting strange, she did not even ask my why I did that, no body did, so they gave me a parental notice to bring my mom to school tomorrow, when I went home I came to my moms room and she was facing the wardrobe and I came from behind, I said mom and gave her the mathematics note book, we had a quiz that day and I had a full mark and a star, she greated me and gave me back the note book, I then Said mom again and gave her the notice, she asked me what’s that, I told her I do not know. The next day at school, by the he’d master door, I was sanding, inside my mom and some teachers, I heard mumbling and she cameout with victory face and only one question, why did not you tell me that teacher hit you? I said I do not know, that what I used to say when I was afraid, I learned it was better to ack dump than to bare the consequences, and that’s it, I never knew what happened in that room, and know I realize that I did not tell my mom that I was hit by that sister coz I was just afraid that this would get me more trouble, we learned that when we get hit that we did a terrible shameful thing to deserve it and even my mom did not ask me what actually happened, no body knows that I was just making a toy gun to play like others!

That’s why usually an abuser does not have a memory of abusing someone decades before, they Supress thy memory so hard than it becomes repressed, or just they can not countioanly associate it, specially in prenatal sexual abuse, thy just cannot handle the thought that they can not believe it happened, I watched once a parent on TV crying when his doughters said that he sexually abused her, the man just said I do not know, I cannot say I did it or not, and when the reporter asked him do you think you doughters said that out of revenge or to cover a premarital sex, he said my daughter won’t do that, it is a self defense mechanism and could b related to dissociative disorders, am not an expert yet :p

It’s some thing like you have this big Clint meeting tom, and you stay up preparing your presentation, and if you know that client in a way, you can expect what would be his questions and and preparing for them, for me when something is controlling most of m thoughts, and it is related to some one, i just imagin us having that conversation, in different scenarios and expect their responses. So know see your self as the client, and you have this company pitching you their new ideas, and this is the 5th meeting with a company with the same pitch, I that client had the same expands with the 5th company which was the same as the last 4, and hen he asked the questions that drove him to ignore that 4 old companies, and came out with the same answers that he did no like before, he would get frustrated, and might not consider the project as a whole, it is just so frustration than when you expect some one to answer you negatively and he really does?!

I did not mean fighting the abuse, I meant an internal fight, I have made some great stuff and I destroyed them, I had jobs that I wanted but could not keep, due to depression, see, I have changed four totally carriers, each took at least couple of years, I have held 5 jobs that I have reached high level in each of, and left due to depression, I was engaged three times and also each at least he’ll a couple of years, it is not that I regret it, not at all, it is just watching what you have been building something for a while and watch it disappear in front your eyes, and restart all over again from scratch in a deferent Carrier was very hard, and not that I regret it, I can say I now about event organization, international trade, medical equipment, IT, and quality control. Which I guess no one with less than 12 years experience can say that, and I had some long off periods in between coz I felt I need to, or to,depressed to work! You tell me whch kind is this?

Regarding abuse, I guess I was assertive about since I was in second or third grade, I was just then that I have strictly refused any of my parents help with my studies, I just said I do not need your help any more, it might have been that their abusive attitude could have affected my learning, and I just can not learn something without enjoying it, I used to here this one tape over and over again for one whole year during high school, I had trouble to concentrate, so i needed a familiar voice saying the words that I have memorized by heart, to be able to concentrate. I have a lot of examinations and experiments with concentration!

I said I need to fight to not view my self as a victim, if your consider your self a victim of someone or something you will have all the reasonable and logic views for doing nothing the rest of your life from that prospective.
But seeing your self as a suvivor, empowers you to challenge your self more, to do more great stuff.

Am the one who is glad that you have lightened such a tough night, see, I did not sleep since yesterday, am used to sleep deprevetion, actually I used it some times as an approach against depression, and it is a scientific approach but yet debatable.

So thank you, Cya,

Hi again Anita,

I glade too that I posted here, and I have to thank Lori for that, she was the one who directed me here, again thank you Lori 🙂

The name of this post I drove from one quote I read and am bad with names so I do not remember who said it, he said if you want to know how hard is it to change some one, just try to change one thing in your self and I sore this open minding and yet Channing quote, he is stating the fact and daring you to try it, and in that sense if every one living just changed one bad thing he thinks of him self, what an amazing world we will be living in, and again he is Telly you by exercise that you can not change other people and you have to accept them the way you are, I read it years ago, and it still blows my mind till now!

It is hard because it is hard to change any thing you get used me, do you know how many times I have tried to quit smoking, and till now am still failing, I guess the abuse had nothing to do with that, I started smoking at 22. The the high ten dance for substance abuse I had with alcohols and hash was decently from my child abuse, and I could easily quit just whenever I wanted, I have not drink alcohol for 2years now, and I have been quoting hash for a week now, and dos not judge me, I used to smoke only hash mixed cigarets for a year now, and I just woke up one day, I do not wanna do it any more, what can you say about that? I guess the human mind is not that easy to understand!

Again, as an I tail part of a healing process, one has to stop seeing him/her self as a victim, but to be proud of being a survivor, I sometimes think how amazing I am when I think of the all the suffering I have endured and am still her safe and sound, I have surly thought plenty of hurting my self, but I have never attempted to do so!

You can say it that I consider more than unjust to pass the violence to others, but am still proud that I can just count the events of acting violent by one hand, if I have not witnes it before it could have been much worse.

But I actually was wondering her what would drive someone to accept that violence, and not react to get relive from justice and live with that pain, when I talked about these two kids, we were apron the same age, so why did the fear me or fear to ask for justice. I guess I would feel better if I was punished in specifically these two events!

I admire you mentioning your sufferings and dealing with them, keep it up 😉

I guess I will make a habit from it, posting here!

Cya,