Hi Anita and Tee,

Im still feeling very angry all the time, at stuff that others may see as “just normal life but unfortunate” its just that the “unfortunate” keeps persisting.

I cant cope with any bad news. To escape it i go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much. I was trying to loose weight and get fit,….im unable to keep it up, thats not a surprise, my mind is on full stress. I can´t handle any small problem. My mind races with negative thoughts, i get exhausted..i get nothing done. I feel more angry with myself.

I have several bigger issues, things going on but for the sake of an example,

I had this body lotion that i really liked, a relative bought it while they were here a year ago. i thought “great, ill get more of this” long story short, it seems like you cant buy that specific cream anymore…, i tried everywhere, also online. Its frustrating, its also not the first time i have had this problem being unable to find a product, you start to feel you are going crazy.

I need to emphasize that at the beginning of that i thought i could get something easily, that i would feel a sense of sastisfaction having taken care of something i needed and at the end of this story im angry, disappointed and feel despair. Its only a story about a body cream but to me its just another metaphor of how messed up my life is getting.

I tried making a bread starter, twice..it won´t ferment.

I tried knitting..(which ive done fine before)…i can´t keep the stitches from slipping, i can´t follow the pattern

It seems that everything i try throws up a problem that needs fixing, and therefore takes over the project..taking the fun away and presents only issues and frustration that it cant be resolved and overcome..there is no break from this. Especially if you factor in tech issues with computers, its never ending. Its no wonder im angry all the time. And when im angry, other things go wrong…

Basically, im totally unable to focus…im too stressed out. People say let go..i cant.

The therapist said about one example that was particulary frustrating, “well, you tried, you did your best and thats all you can do” but that isnt ok with me. Especially when i see other people i know, seeming to get everything right, getting what they want, being complemented on their work, going out on dates, easily meeting with friends who want to see them…i dont ever. Is that just “unfortunate”? really? Or is there something else going on?

call it the cinderella complex ?probably.

Yes i probably had less support growing up, some people i knew got hit or got hyper controlling parents, with mine i was always glad they let us do whatever, within reason. I was a good child, did as i was told, my sister more rebellious so i guess i felt the need to be responsible, which made my sister more resentful and absent. But i had nothing to push against something i guess that leaves you wondering if you re doing the right thing..if no one says anything. I didnt get disapproval but the comparison to others was definitely present. I dont know how to fix this. To feel better about and to be able to make decisions more quickly and with more conviction. To be confident. I wondered for a while if i had some autism that i could blame but when it comes down to it i cant put a finger on it. Im just sensitive and it seems like a crime, something that puts other people off.

Part of the process im upset about now is that i feel now i dont know who to trust.

Ive already recently backed away from 2 former friends because im sort of realising the toxic side to the friendship…and that i put up with it because deep down i knew, it served a purpose so that i could even have any friends, without them, id have none. I still have a couple of others but they are not available to hang out all the time. I certainly miss having that every day kind of friend but its just so hard to get that without in fact being in some kind of toxic relationship. Im scared that…to have a friend or relationship with someone, we would inevitably slip into the patterns of leader/follower, with some form of abuse in one way or another. Its one of the main reasons im so wary of dating.

I think im always trying to triple-guess what people´s intentions are. Because sometimes they can be dual or more. This is extremely exhausting and draining, then i just want to be alone again but still miss company.

Hi Anita, i didnt see there was a second page and started answering before i read the rest!

Thanks for the description of RSD, it does sound like my experiences..i guess that you would say you have to find the root cause of the sadness to stop from overfeeling? Or does that make a difference? Do i just continue with the same experiences because it is how i am made up. For instance, i could say, Well im a scorpio, a water sign and people will immediately roll their eyes because this is typified as someone who is intense, emotional and deep or mysterious. What you identify with in your head though is what matters and it takes enormous will power to convince myself that i can be something else.

Hi Tee, it sounds like a similar family experience to mine. There was no violence, no shouting even but my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak. I know that he comes from a similar experience with his mom so its perhaps not surprising but it was a negative effect on us kids growing up. We basically learnt…that bullies always win. My mom could victimize herself easily with him being very apologetic. I believe in fact many people have grown up with this dynamic either way if they had two parents. Inevitably, with two people there is a push and pull of competition with each other and affection.

That “dual” mentality, my subconscious being from that background and my consciousness knowing what is in fact right, is very difficult for me. I get tired easily by my thoughts going left and right trying to work it out, the uncertainty wins. And in social situations i often dont follow what is going on, the subtexts below the talking. I reckoned, if i was “nice” in life, id get by but that is far from the case! you get crushed by the people who are out there looking to win against other people. I feel like there is always a lot of jealousy around me and i cant control it, how others react to me, but it ruins everything. I often feel angry that other people are rude, mean or wonder what their problem is. I know what it is though…they want attention. Maybe my childhood has made me cold, unreactive…but then again, i have to defend myself against what i perceive as possible danger right?

I do try to do the small things, and have been. Its not always successful, but ive been conscious of just being kinder to myself if possible. Im well aware theres no such thing as the perfect childhood. People i will come across will have been through stuff. I just want to be able to function enough to have friends, a relationship. It felt lately like everything just fell away. I got resentful about friends not answering my texts, not able to meet. Then tired, then depressed. Not a big surprise.

Thanks again

I would say, its like someone who feels like they are in a battle, trying to communicate, trying to get by, trying to stay strong, There is really no choice if you want to survive in the world as it is. The difference is that i am highly sensitive. Trying to navigate social communications is like a minefield to me.

HI Anita,

I agree with you that sometimes the people who you think are doing great just arent all that great, maybe they are just the kind of people who are better at hiding disappointments and their emotions, they can also be people who are better at always focusing on anything good and rejecting the bad..I suppose i always draw attention to the bad. I just never felt like hiding anything. I have a strange need to explore the total emotion of emptiness and i cant explain that. When i was a kid i remember i was the one helping everyone else process their emotions, trying to empathize with others was my thing. My friends were all oddbeat and sensitive in one way or another and i loved that. I never felt popular and i never felt on top of things. And i felt guilty if i ever had more, if someone was left out. There were times when i dumbed myself down, wore baggier clothes, i didnt speak up. In my experiences…when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me. Ive always looked out for the underdog.

Today im struggling again…and then in between i have maybe have some hours or a day max where i think im going to be able to handle it, like its really not so bad and that everything will be ok. Im swinging between these moods.

Ive not yet heard from the therapist i emailed..second time i tried and second person…. go figure. Id like to see someone in person. I have issues with doing stuff online. Having been hacked a couple of times will do that to you and because im an old school human being i would prefer it.

I watched “Bridesmaids” the other day and recognised with some horror that i am the main character Annie. Everything keeps going wrong in her life…she lost her business, her boyfriend and her self respect, she starts sleeping with a guy who doesnt care about her, works in a job where she is constantly confronted with other people´s positive dreams. Her best childhood friend gets engaged and has made a new best friend, who appears to be perfect in every way and seems to challenge Annie. She considers her lowest point moving back in with mom when she is kicked out by her gross landlords.

Its a really good movie because it uses this to tell the story about depression and self loathing in the most simplest of ways…her car is a piece of s*t that won´t drive to where she needs to go. The hot guy is shown as driving an expensive flashy sports car, the dependable guy is a cop who regulates the traffic.

Finally, reaching her “bottom” Annie realises that she is not losing her friend who is getting married, or in competition with the beautiful new bestie, she sees that the hot guy is not meeting her expectations and that the dependable guy was waiting for her to notice him. She rediscovers her love of baking, the thing she is good at.

Im waiting for my moment. What im “good” at.  I need to learn how to be more positive in my outlook, how to deny the negative even if it seems tempting to see “what happens next”. I have to fight these feelings. If i have a uniquely melancholic personality, then i need to learn how to fake my way. I would love to have a partner but it has to be someone i also believe in….ill never be one of the cool gang but i dont feel like what im asking is too much.

Thank you Roberta and Anita. I appreciate that there IS somewhere to go as it just seems things continue to snowball. I dont know what im doing wrong i just know that i feel very alone. I feel the need to explain why i feel so awful, as it may seem nothing to some people, just one or two things. But when you layer them on top of each other it suddenly may seem like, yes. There may be something wrong in the universe..or at least, i need help.

I know i need a councillor to speak to, somewhere to go and talk about all these difficulties. But im still scared to pick the wrong one and to be stuck despairing in that. Up till now im just strong on the outside and fighting constantly a losing battle inside. Sometimes i feel so bad i have suicidal thoughts..its only thoughts i know, i just really know how to make myself feel shit.

The main issue right now is the feeling of panic, anxiety and fear. Im feeling so overwhelmed by feelings and negativity that i panic myself. When i talk to others im aware of how negative it all sounds but im scared, there is no one else for me to turn to when i get home. Im scared for my future…there is no real pension to speak of from the work i did, i relied on just being able to keep going…my plan was to buy property to rent out but i cant get to that point, i dont make enough. I own my own apartment..i can sell it but then id quickly run though the money. I can only find brick walls and problems..my friends try to help but they know i have to figure something out myself.

I just got into an argument with my mom, who called me to see how im doing. Whenever i am super vunerable, feeling mad at the world and upset like this..my mother has no words of support for me.. She will in fact find ways to tell me off and make me feel worse. There are times when you just want someone to hear you out, for them to tell you something that will calm you..to listen to you. She invariably talks about someone who has everything going well or some really small problem that SHE has and my mom is really well taken care of. In this case she said how my sibling is looking for a property to buy and i wasnt helping her (my sister just recently bought an expensive property last year) they are doing amazingly well because where they live the income is relatively good (in USA), he works and my sister raises her child and supports business but generally has a lot of free time. She wants to buy something near us and i want to be happy for her but she has had so much good fortune its sometimes too much to hear. It feels like my mom wanted to thrust that in my face again.

My sister saw a house she wanted me to go see it for her. At one time my sister lived alone in a trailer and did garden work…but she really landed on her feet, met a real committed guy, had a kid, built a tiny house and just recently bought their own place…she also managed to get all this before she got too old to do it…the partner has achieved most of this for her, so essentially she has become like mom. you know what i mean by the luck? Its bittersweet because i do care for them and want them to do well but it hurts sometimes that i never have any good news of my own. I dont tell my sister about all my failed attempts to meet a guy..she would just feel bad, theres nothing you can say. Its just bad fortune i ended up in a place where meeting a decent person would be near impossible and bad fortune that we make so little money here. She is always upbeat about my options but i know she knows its hard for me and that i am alone. Or rather, alone and dealing with our narcissistic mother, she feels similarly about it but made the right choice, when she visits its a party and my parents do everything to make them welcome, even used to always buy their plane tickets. In the past my sister always fell out with mum but now has found the perfect balance and i guess that has a lot to do with having a partner to share difficulties with. And of course, producing the grandchild which i now cant do.

Im trying not to panic but its hard not to.

the work i am most experienced in is currently oversaturated with new competitition, soaring prices going up and taxes on living, richer and richer people moving in who can afford it as well as new immigrants who will fill the roles in offices.. The pay is awful in other jobs..i just applied to a place i thought i could do part time..they want to pay equivalent to what you imagine a highschool student could get and wont offer many hours…so i have to turn it down.

I wanted for the longest time to start a shop but i cant afford the rent, and would need to spend a lot of money to start..i thought of doing some shop online but i feel overwhelmed. Ideally i would have done something with a friend but other people have their own thing going, there is no one who is up for that (unless i fund it all!).

I thought of writing jobs, vlogging, blogging, doing content work. I know you can do that and i have in the past, a long time ago now…but theres competition from other countries that charge even less for their highly qualified work…i have to do something that does not rely on being paid by someone else..im too old to start at the bottom.

I dont know how to stop spiraling in negativity…i get exhausted trying to do one thing and getting angry when it doesnt bring an answer or progress…i get so tired then stop, listen to music or take my dog out. In the evening i need about half a bottle of wine to feel ok. I know i have to stop but at the moment im trying to be kinder to myself.

I think what is truly exhausting is when you ARE trying your hardest…and its just NOT WORKING OUT. And then you see someone else, who may or may not have your same situation, and things just pop up for them…like fortune cookies, and they are suddenly ok again. This is why i get to the point where i think, something in the universe is deadset again me having anything…..i feel like ive been beaten up mentally. I feel starved of help and fortune.

Another example of it is that a random guy shouted at me today when i was walking my dog.. i was on some rough land i go to 3x a day for the past years with no problem and there we dont need to pick up the poop, only of course if it was in the path but i would if it was in more public and pedestrian areas…he yelled at me to pick up after my dog and was extremely aggressive in his attitude..i talked back to him and told him to mind his own business but it upset me of course….im in my own neighbourhood and he is a visitor.

Afterwards i was reviewing the encounter..just before i levelled up to pass him, the guy was just standing around smoking and spit on the ground…some of the more basic local men do this but not really visitors and its considered rude in any shape…but as we came level my dog suddenly decided she needed to poop…in the verge but opposite his van, it wasnt intended but of  its still in the verge. So he obviously took offense and the position that, he had just arrived, so now WE were in his backyard! I reckon, i just have that face people think they can be rude to..and let out their anger..because for certain he would not have said it to an old lady from the area, or a big guy, or a group of people right?