Aw, I think you’re doing great, I really do. You are recognizing your parents’ voices, and that they are wrong. And you are recognizing that you need to get help, and you’re doing that through therapy. She’s right, it took several decades to make you the man you are today, it may take the rest of our life to become the man you really are. Some things you could try along the way:

– Listen to that parental voice when it comes up – actually LISTEN to it. Don’t shove it away, or automatically poo-poo it, just listen to it. Be with that voice. Hear the words, and let them flow over you. Sometimes we think we have to AGREE with what we are hearing, but that fight-or-flight response misses the opportunity to move PAST what we are hearing. So give it space, a few seconds, to just BE.

– After their words have passed over you (and with some practice I bet it will take fewer and fewer seconds), look at your hands. Be where your HANDS are, and continue with your task. Their words are now gone, and you are present with your task and can get on with it. If their words pop up again, try not to block them but HEAR them, WATCH them flow over you, then RELEASE them and move on.

Their words are not the truth, and their words are not YOUR words. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. God bless you on this journey.

It’s too bad we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone… She is not a possession for you to “have” – we can’t “have” people, not really. We can love someone, care for them, encourage them, help in their spiritual growth. I read about all the help she provided you, but for 9 years it doesn’t sound like you did much providing for her… What about her care? What about her needs? What about her spiritual growth?

What she does with her life is her decision, and her business. Seems like you made it clear time after time after time that she was not acceptable. So this is where you are, with the results of your decisions and actions.

I recently did this with my CURRENT boyfriend…here’s my experience, and although a little different maybe you can glean something helpful:

We had broken up for three months, and have been back together for over three months). Long story short while we were apart we both did a little dabbling in online dating. For me, I signed up for ONE site, then we got back together and I disabled my account completely. I asked in a casual way if he had too, and he said something vague like, “Oh I never got even one hit off those sites.” I let it go.

Then about a month ago I was on his computer (with his knowledge) and looking at something and for some reason his history popped up and I noticed a few sites I didn’t like (dating site, another online meetup group about polyamory). Later that night, unknown to him, I searched through his emails and further online history and saw things I didn’t want to know. Like that he had actually MET UP with that poly group a few times while apart, although not since.

So I actually created a fake online persona and JOINED the poly group, to “catch” him, I guess…suffice to say it quickly started eating my lunch and I withdrew and became extremely depressed, sad, angry, afraid, hurt…so so hurt. I broke, I had to tell him what I had done and why. He had good explanations for his actions, having to change his password on dating sites (that’s why he had to log in), and same with that poly group. (For the record we are interested in some extreme things in our sex life, although generally fantasy not actually doing that stuff so as out of left field as that sounds it’s not exactly.)

He deleted all his online accounts, not just disabled, deleted. With me watching. He knew I was doing it all out of fear, and I apologized. He cleaned off his side of the street by deleting accounts. I promised to never do that behavior again, and I haven’t even once.

I think the lesson I learned is that when I’m doing something I shouldn’t, here’s the best way to approach getting it resolved:

1. Admit my wrong doing, admit my behavior, admit my lie and mistake.
2. Talk about the situation with the person involved, and ask for forgiveness.
3. Ask what I could have done differently or could do in the future differently when those feelings of fear start to creep up again.
4. DO WHAT I SAID I WOULD DO…whatever it is we decide I actually DO.

Now if I’m feeling afraid or insecure, we talk about it. I don’t accuse, just state facts, how I’m feeling and then we work it out together.

Hope that helps.

I’ve been dating someone 19 1/2 years older than me for over 2 years now, and have some thoughts on why our relationship is working… I know this is a lot of personal info, but I hope you can find it helpful. This has been MY experience with a 60 year old (I’m 41). We met over 2 years ago, and I must say that he is the love of my life. Not without it’s challenges, but it’s worth it:

1. We are on the same side of having kids. If everyone is done, or everyone wants more, it’s fine. But if one wants a kid(s) and the other doesn’t, by definition someone has to change their mind. And that’s a HUGE compromise/decision to make, and it places an enormous amount of stress on an already potentially stressful relationship.

2. We are financially independent of each other. This was more important to him, but I get it. My SO is actually retired, and I have a job. We are in charge of our own finances; it helps him feel like I’m not with him so I can be supported.

3. We do not have kids together, and I do not rely on him for parenting my children from previous marriage. Although he is involved somewhat, and loves my daughters (7 & 10) dearly, he is not their father and thus does not feel the stress of being a step-parent because my girls already have two able-bodied parents. We call him a “bonus parent”…

4. We have fantastic chemistry. And I don’t just mean in the bedroom; but it does include the bedroom. This is very important because as we age sex changes. IMO it gets BETTER, but it changes. So, for example, what it takes for a 60 year old to be able to make love actually involves much much more of his BRAIN (kinda like us gals) and his mechanics are not as easily “ready for action”. For he and I, this just means that his mood greatly affects his desire, thus affecting his ability to perform. It’s not a problem, it’s just very different (for him) vs when you’re a 35 year old man who is “ready to roll” when the wind blows if you get my drift.

5. If you are attracted to each other, and it works for you two, it will be OK. There is certainly an initial period where you two (and other people) are getting used to the age difference, but when you’re in love it really doesn’t matter. Now I dont’ even see it and I kinda forget how much older he is than I. In the beginning, I got used to it a little by some light teasing (which is one way I cope with stress). I might way, “Gosh, you graduated from high school the year before I was born.” Or whatever. After a few weeks, he asked me to stop mentioning our age difference, saying “It’s apparent to everyone we are almost 20 yrs apart. Bringing it up, even with light teasing, is kinda like pointing out how short I am. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean we have to comment on it.” And he was right. From that moment on, I just focused on the fact that I love him and love being with him.

6. Other people may be surprised, or have a silly grin, or tease about the age diff, but it stops quickly. Since he and I are so comfortable with it, other people handle it the same. If we are relaxed and don’t make it an issues (which it isn’t), they wont either. And honestly, even if someone does, it usually stops pretty quickly. Like they get the hint that they’re just sounding petty and jealous. Which they ought to be because I’m fabulous:-) LOL.

Yeah, so he was already seeing someone when he slept with you? What if that had been YOU he was “seeing” and another person he slept with?

Best Maya Angelou quote: “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

The FIRST TIME.

But here’s the thing…in order for a relationship to will work and last, it needs to be a PARTNERSHIP. Regardless of if you’re married or not, a full-on truly committed relationship is a partnership.

That means there is no more “mine” and “yours” there is just an “ours”. Everything each partner does affects the other. Financially, relationally, etc.

It seems like what you’re fighting is to keep things separate, when that’s not really how life works. In my experience, that’s how things get complicated and fights ensure. When it’s all “ours”, money and bills, life gets simpler and it also helps the couple feel like a couple.

Run, girl, run. Good things usually get better, bad things usually get worse. That’s been my experience anyway.

Consider this: let’s say you had a friend, or better yet a daughter, who was in this situation. Would you want her to continue to be “unworthy” in his eyes? Or would you want her to thank him for teaching her valuable life lessons, and that she should move on to better things? Even being alone is better than being “not good enough” to live with or marry.

Again, just my experience and opinion.