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June 22, 2015 at 4:01 pm #78679
CydParticipantHi everyone. Thanks for helping me put this in perspective. Adam, I agree that my thoughts play a big role in my fears and that I need to change how I think. I really wont know how life goes until it actually happens and until I have a relationship. I can overcome this fear. Matt, I have begin to read on the Madonna Whore Complex and it explains my situation very well. It really helps me to put my issue into perspective and let me know how irrational my thinking is. I will also look more into the idea of sacred sexuality ad sexuality in general to help me bridge the disconnect between me viewing sex more as objectification. Aiyana, I too have never been in a real relationship. When I met someone I thought I loved I was extremely clingy, maybe because I had never felt so good before. I realized that being clingy turned people off and that I have to love from a place of confidence and strength which I feel I’m capable of now.
Once again Thanks Everyone! 🙂
September 7, 2014 at 6:29 pm #64524CydParticipantHi Eve,
Thank you for posting! First and foremost I want you to know that you ARE NOT alone! Everyone has insecurities. There is always something we are trying to be better at or aspire to. That’s our nature as human beings, to never be satisfied. I battled insecurity for a long time and ruined every relationship I had. I became clingy and jealous and always compared myself to others who I thought had something I didn’t have. In reality they actually did have something I didn’t have; Love for themselves. Self esteem is basically how you see yourself. It is based on the inner and not the outer. It is more of a mental things. Low self esteem comes from self defeating thoughts that have no factual evidence and can’t be proven to be true. The only thing that matters is you. Before you try to love anyone else, you have to first love you! It is YOUR responsibility to love yourself and no one else’s. Loving yourself comes by accepting yourself unconditionally right now regardless of your circumstance. If you want to be a better person in the future, you must first accept who you are now. For example, you pull up at a toll booth. In order to get across the bridge to your destination, you must first pay the toll in order for the gat to go up to get across. I recently battled a lot with my sexual orientation and dealing with same sex attractions for years. Once I finally accepted these feelings I gave room for my authentic self to begin thriving and prospering. I accepted where I am in the present moment. The present moment is all that matters. Take some time to focus on you. Happiness is already in us and no external source can give us everlasting happiness. Also never compare yourself to others. That is an act of violence to your authentic self. I know what you are going through. Keep pressing. We are all here for you.August 13, 2014 at 4:27 pm #63315CydParticipantThanks everyone for the continued feedback! Will, I do agree with the idea of not being able to manipulate someone in to loving you. Personally I wouldn’t want to have to force someone to be with me because I know they wouldn’t be happy and that would negate the whole purpose of being together because I would want both of us to be happy. In my case, both of us may be happy without each other. I do not even think I will miss her friendship that much anyway being that I had deep feelings for her so I didn’t really consider her a friend but more than a friend if that makes sense. I know that when I eventually find someone or get over my feelings for her she may be more open to finding out what is going on in my life which makes for nothing more than a confidence boost for me lol
Kelsi, I agree that both people should be willing to make an effort if the relationship is what each party truly wants. After all, people will make time for what they are interested in. Also, I tended to shut off myself to other people and getting to enjoy other people’s presence and what they had to offer me because I only wanted her and believed no one could’ve made me feel the way she did. I am definitely going to spend time away from her and try to see what life is like without her for a while. No use in trying to force something that wont happen. 🙂August 11, 2014 at 6:23 pm #63127CydParticipantThanks Popi and Will for your thoughts on this! 🙂 I will start my journey of releasing her and whatever our friendship was knowing that she could never love me the way I do her.
August 8, 2014 at 8:27 pm #62916CydParticipantHey Everyone, Thanks for the posts so far. Didi2136, I agree with you about having patience even though that is kinda tough to do. Big Blue, I honestly feel like I would not be able to wait around for 2 more years. I have been through a lot in life and I’m very emotionally strong but it can get tiring. It already has been about 2 and a half years. They have been in relationship after relationship and I have tried to be there for them as a friend during these times and I became extremely jealous and somewhat insecure as if my place in their life was fading and they had no use for me. Obviously my expectations and desire for them was being seen through a “relationship” type of lens versus a “friendship” perspective and that is what led to these disagreements. Although I have always remained hopeful that I could love for the both of us but in reality it only leads to me being drained. I feel it is best to move on and not torture or trick myself in to believing I could change their feelings. This kinda borders on the idea of unrequited love so it seems. Interested in seeing you and others feedback on this! 🙂
CydMay 20, 2014 at 4:25 pm #56665CydParticipantHi Jobebee,
Thanks so much for sharing such vulnerable and emotional parts of yourself in this forum! First I would like to give you encouragement to keep pushing forward and don’t give up on whatever you want to do with your life. I’m similar to you in the sense that I have a great life but my struggles on internal which shape my outer being and how I see myself. On another note, I understand how difficult it is for you to deal with your past as far as sexual abuse and how it can affect your sex life and intimate moments with your partner. Your partner must realize that you need to heal and feel comfortable with your body and FREELY giving yourself to someone else because YOU want to. A certain sense of trust and control must be restored. I encourage you to keep working through this piece of your life and only associate yourself with people who understand and truly get what it is life to be sexually abused and how bad the after effect is. It takes years to get over. Some people even battle with self esteem and guilt issues. No one can speak or determine your experiences and your life. No one can downplay what you have been through and how difficult and life changing that was. I also encourage you to really feel how you are feeling and think about what is missing from your life and how you can take steps in making it right. Think about how you feel when you have sex and why you feel the way you do? Think back to your experience and see if it is connected and how. Sometimes we have to go back to these moments and realize the emotional nutrition in them but be careful! Don’t go too far back as you do not want to relive these moments! Once again, I thank you so much for having the courage and strength to share such things in this forum. Keep pressing! 🙂
May 20, 2014 at 4:14 pm #56663CydParticipantHi Katy,
I have been where you are. Totally mistreated and treated so cheaply as if I didn’t matter to them. It took me a while to accept how I was treated but once I did I no longer allowed them to control my life or try to control them by making them realize how they treated me. The best thing to do is deactivate your FB as you have done already but don’t let that control your life. If you want to, get back on there and delete any and everybody whom you think will hinder your healing process right now. I mean let’s be honest, who would want to see or hear about your past over and over again?! Keep Pressing! 🙂
May 19, 2014 at 7:46 pm #56611CydParticipantHey everyone 🙂 Thank you all for sharing your struggles so far!
I struggle with self control and discipline as well as depression. I have an addictive personality this fight with self control seems unbearable. It has led me to some pretty bad coping mechanisms that are hard to shake. Most of my life is fine but internally I don’t like myself.May 19, 2014 at 9:30 am #56548CydParticipantHi Winterfront89,
Everything you have said has resonated with me. Even though I am in a happy place I need to decipher whether I’m depend on outside things as a crutch and get more in tune with the way I am feeling. I am not really an emotional person so it would take effort to really see inside myself but I will definitely cut out the mind talk and evaluate my process of healing. Thanks so much !May 19, 2014 at 8:41 am #56546CydParticipantHi Tracey,
It seems as though you are still wondering in your heart why your fiancé left you. You made not consciously think about why but your heart does. When he left, your self esteem took a huge blow and that would be normal for anyone under this circumstance if someone just abruptly left and gave you a vague reason as to why. There is much more that meets the eye as to why he left. He just did not want to tell you. Basically he just left you with lots of questions that you may or may not ever get answers to. I have been in this position before and I never fully got closure. I just focused on loving myself and moving on but I still bouts of anger towards my ex at times when I think about how cheaply I was treated but I allowed that. As far as your new relationship, you need to put it on the backburner because you do run the risk of your partner seeing you as vulnerable and taking advantage of that in a negative way that will further cause your self esteem to plummet beyond measure to the point where you will totally lose yourself and pain will become your pleasure that gives you a high that turns you into a codependent and leads you to further pursue addictive relationships never giving you the love you deserve leaving you alone on the inside. (Soak all that in, as you can tell I have been through all of this lol) You cant move into another relationship at your best giving all of you to someone if you are broken and now whole and still attached to your previous relationship. Yes you are vulnerable right now. The best thing to do is try and decipher what has all taken place. Put it in perspective and find out what you need to do to become whole and happy again. Keep pressing! 🙂
May 19, 2014 at 7:55 am #56544CydParticipantHi Zita,
Yes I think your mind may be playing tricks on you in regards to emailing him and telling him about himself. In this regard, you are trying to justify yourself as being the victim and seek some closure and also make him feel as bad as he made you feel. I totally get this because I want to do the dame thing to my ex. I want to show them what they missed out on or how I still became happy after then when they thought I would not. They always felt I needed them and for once and for all I wanna show them that I don’t need them anymore but what will that prove. Wouldn’t they still be controlling my life and validating my self esteem if I feel I must always prove something to them. What it comes down to is loving yourself and being gentle to yourself and realizing that he was not the one for you. He could not love you how YOU needed to be love. Your relationship with him did not make you a better person like relationships should do. I understand the anger and it comes and goes as you remember moments of how you were treated so cheaply and do wrongly. I have those moments too. Whatever it is, remember you are worthy to be loved and treated with respect because YOU matter 🙂 Keep pressing!
April 13, 2014 at 4:07 pm #54700CydParticipantDon’t be scared. I too struggle with social anxiety and bouts of occasional depression. You were totally right for bringing that issue up to him and should in no way feel insecure for what you did. No one wants to be treated like a secret to someone that thought they mattered too. You stood up for something you felt strongly about. That’s 1 point toward your self esteem 🙂 Great Job. Keep pushing!
April 13, 2014 at 4:04 pm #54699CydParticipantHi there,
In reality you won’t ever be able to let him go completely because your heart will always have some residual feelings left for him. I know this sounds cliché, but time heals all. It can take years for you to truly heal and feel comfortable enough to give and receive love from someone else. The way I see it, he made a conscious decision in letting you go. Why would you want to hang on to someone who does not want you anymore? Would you really be happy with someone who did not want you. If you loved them so much you would care about their happiness as well and wouldn’t want them to be unhappy. During this time, take every day as it comes and feel all that you can feel. Work on loving yourself and focus on what you have learned through this journey. It is ok to feel angry but don’t let that anger turn to bitterness because that allows him to control you even though he isn’t with you. I applaud you for keeping yourself busy and productive. Keep pushing 🙂
February 27, 2014 at 5:22 pm #51950CydParticipantI was in the same position until yesterday when I decided to get back on the path of personal growth and find the love I deserve. I stayed in an emotionally unavailable relationship for 3 years amid my insecurities and became addicted to the pain they caused me. I wanted them to hurt me because it felt pleasing to them and I wanted to please them. This is how warped you can become by staying. You did right by leaving. Keep pressing on! 🙂
February 9, 2014 at 6:10 pm #50607CydParticipantThanks for your replies everyone! Karin, I definitely understand that I have to love myself before I love someone else or let them love me. I’ve been on a path of personal growth for about a year now and I have made progress but still do not think I am at a stage where I can love someone fully and feel like that is reciprocated. Yet I still feel that I need someone in my life that does that. I would say I need to find things that make me happy by myself first. 🙂
Mike, it definitely is the worst feeling when someone can not be upfront with you and let you know how they are feeling. I guess since I’m the total opposite I seem to not understand how they can do that. The only option seems to be to let go but it’s hard when you feel like a person is inevitably meant to be in your life forever. Unfortunately people come and go and once I learn to truly accept that without looking to rekindle these relationships I will be fine. Through this I’m learning more about what I want and don’t want in relationships.
Thanks!
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