Hi Eliana … thank you so much for sharing your background with me.

How are things with you now?

The moving around was a huge problem, even when I recently bought my first home, I noticed that in 5 years I had stayed at 8 different addresses, across London and Glasgow. Especially when I stayed in London, I was able to put all my stuff in a box.

That along with my history of moving as a kid meant staying in one place and being present in the moment was not the NORM. I felt like I was dying if I stayed anywhere longer than a few years, even with jobs. In my head it was just saying Runnnn! My Aunt helped me with the deposit to my property and she kept telling me I needed a safe base. I knew myself I couldnt keep running.

Secondly, I never believed in marriage for a long time as I saw how unhappy my Mum was in various relationships. I promised myself I would never end up like that. It wasn’t until I saw two of my close friends get married where I was like that was beautiful. I’ve come to accept to relationships aren’t perfect, they constantly need looked after, much like a delicate flower … and they will only grow if and flourish if you give it the right love and attention. Even up to the start of this year, I was so unhappy … I struggled to eat properly, wash myself and even look after my home … the small things. It was always easier to blame the relationship with my ex as she was closest to me, or to blame my job for how I felt. Just taking time to take stock and see where the thoughts come from and having that awareness of the triggers helps me. I’ve got a little ragdoll kitten called Ivor Lebowski who I love dearly, he always needs cared for so I know I owe it to him to get my $hit together so to speak.

Its hard, and not everyone understands … just realizing you’re not broken is a big help too. I was at the buddhist centre here … and the speaker mentioned something that really hit home with me, she said where has worrying ever benefited you, you are worth the World as you are right now. I could feel light in my heart, for the very first time in many many years I felt whole. I felt happy.

I’m trying to stretch that feeling out so it gets longer and longer, day by day. It takes practice. I need to let go of my past mistakes and decisions. It hurts me how not only have I treated others but how I treated myself.

Thank you so much Anita.

You’re correct with what you say … efforts to not feel pain are incongruent with my values.

I was reading your reply and your take on my Mum, I never ever thought about it like that … it feels so accurate.

Even for me to face porn addiction was huge, like any addiction its not something that you tend to talk about openly … taboo subject. Looking at females as sexual objects, and using sex as a way to avoid pain is vicious.

I’ve got a lot to offer someone, i’m a Cat Dad too 🙂 … I was determined that after breaking up with my ex GF that I wasn’t going to let this ruin my life anymore. I was going to face the pain head on, and even when I meditate using guided meditations I can sit with my feelings and just allow them to wash over me. Society just expects you to deal with grief and get on with things, especially when working in London, you can’t show any weakness. The only person I could really talk to about my feelings was my Aunt who died last year as she was a psychiatrist … so she could pull me out of my head.

I have good days and bad days, but more good now. I try to choose love over fear each day … but I find that if I drink or do drugs on a weekend I fall back a little emotionally. I only tend to have a wild night once every few months, but it does set me back even at that … i’m trying to say yes to more things to get new experiences, where as before I had crazy anxiety levels. Self worth was so low, and I felt like I was the ugliest person in the World … trying to be kinder to who I am. As long as I stay true to my values I will be ok. trying to deal with the shame of past mistakes … I can’t let them govern how my life will be moving forward.

You meet someone who thinks you don’t care for them at all, but you actually loved them more than anything but you are so wrapped up in yourself and just trying to survive on an emotional level. fight or flight mode.