good advice, thanks to everyone who has took the time to listen and respond, i will take it on board and hopefully find myself

peace and love to you all

Paul

I think because i left her when the girls were so young, i never deserted them i told her i was there for her and the girls and would support them in every way i just didn’t want to be with her anymore because she was making my life a misery and we weren’t getting along anymore, i fell out of love with her i suppose but also it was because she was pushing me away, to be honest now i think about it again, she was like that from the beginning, how we ever lasted two years before the girls were born ill never know, i think the added pressure that was brought on by having two young babies and the fact she wasn’t letting me in and help her and i still had to go to work, i suppose we both had to deal with this but it was in her best interest to allow me to help rather than push me away so i don’t feel guilty about leaving i gave her all the opportunities to accept the help i was offering but still she threw it in my face and chose to bring up the girls without me and shut me out completely and stop me seeing my girls, then i had to go to the courts to get contact and they were useless they nearly always favor the mother or the person the children live with, they granted me access but a few weeks after the contact began she would stop contact and use some excuse that was related to my size and say i was aggressive or one time one of them crawled in to a table leg and bumped her head, my mum witnessed this and when i took them home she said to my face “well accidents happen” and then the next day got on to her solicitors to stop contact my mum wrote a letter explaining what had happened to my solicitor who forwarded it on to her side but they weren’t interested, and that went on for 10 years so in the end i was exhausted with it all it was very painful, emotional and mentally draining.

Hi anita

thank you for your reply,

I agree with some or most of what you have said, and i do believe i am starting a new chapter in my life, i started bodybuilding when i was 17 and enjoyed 10 years of it until i was 27, around the same time my son was born so didn’t have as much time, i didn’t do bodybuilding for competitions or fame etc i started lifting weights at 14 to get bigger and stronger because i was bullied at school, i was always a shy person i suffered anxiety from a very early age in school when i was about 9 or 10 i hated the crowded class rooms and i used to sneak out of school all the time and go to the local park nearby or railway tracks, followed by a search party from the family once the school had notified them of my escape, i went to the local boxing club to keep in shape after stopping the bodybuilding, when i left school in 1986 i started working as a Y.T.S (youth training scheme) as a painter and decorator i did that for two years and then got a job as a painter and decorator i did that up to about 1995, i wanted a change so me and a friend started fencing and landscaping, my friend took ill around 2004 and i could have found someone else to take his place but i decided to become a taxi driver which i did up to 2013, I also have twin daughters to my second relationship, (not my son’s mother who was my first relationship) who are 18 in December this year, when they were born in 2000 and i was with their mum till they were 18 months old but she had PND (post natal depression) and the relationship went down hill from then, she stopped me seeing my daughters and for 10 years i battled through the courts to see my girls but we weren’t very close due to the lack of contact and not bonding at an early age, so i stopped fighting for them, i had had enough, they were 12 and they knew who i was so i decided to wait till they were old enough to decide for themselves, a year later their mum allowed them to get in touch and i started seeing them again, but their mum had lost control of them and they were hanging around with the wrong sorts and getting in to trouble, i think she needed a stronger person in their life so that’s why she let them contact me, i punished them when they were naughty by taking their phones and laptops etc away from them and it worked, they started to behave and were rewarded with meals out etc for doing well in school and staying out of trouble, i think the mum got jealous of this and what happened next tore my life apart and caused the depression i talk about, i wont go in to detail as it is still too painful and i have spoke about it to my counselors and doctor and numerous organisations like mind and the Samaritans, i firmly believe the mother set out to ruin my life and used one of the girls as a weapon against me, but it didn’t work and i reported her to the police and social services and she nearly had the girls taken off her, my son refuses to talk to his sisters and he says he will never forgive them, i tried to tell him it wasn’t their fault it was the mother but he wont entertain it, as you can imagine i was destroyed and my life lay in tatters on the floor and it has taken me 5 yrs  to deal with it and process it and come to terms with what happened, i stopped talking to the girls after that and although it was only one of them the other one did not back me up when she knew the truth, and i have since spoke to her and she said it was out of fear of going against her mum and she had to live with her mum and sister afterwards, i have tried to have contact with her by going out for meals and talking and texting on the phone but the love is just not there, i feel on edge and feel like she only texts or calls when she needs something and doesn’t bother when she is doing other stuff but i suppose that’s the way it is as they get older and have their own life and we haven’t spoke or text since the end of august,

so that brings me to now…  trying to sort out my life and restart or begin a new chapter, and as i say, I am Lost…

peace and love

Paul

Thank You anita