Oh, Ron, let me tell you that one thing that people typically find attractive is confidence and self-esteem. As long as you believe things like “guys who are better than me in every sense”, you are not recognizing what a wonderful person YOU are. If you don’t find yourself worthy of her affections, what makes you think she would? Why not tell us about what makes YOU a desirable partner? We know you’re kind and attentive, what else? Also, I would advise you to stop borrowing trouble from the future. You cannot predict what will happen, but if you truly believe “I will be all gloomy and sad” then you will behave in ways to enforce that belief – our minds want to make our inner reality consistent with our external reality, so we behave in ways that reinforce that, otherwise we feel disjointed and crazy. I am worried about your comment “if I lose her by chance it would mean that I’ll lose myself.” Why do you believe that? Why is your identity wrapped up in what another person thinks of you? You will always have yourself, your own best company. Love and infatuation should be exciting and fun – I wish you wouldn’t “hate these days”, I wish you would love them! Relationships take work and have challenges, so if you’re not even enjoying the fun part, what are you going to do when things get tough?

I’m listening to “The Art of Happiness at Work” on audiobook to and from my job each day. I’ve long heard that our jobs should align with our “passions”, similar to what you’re saying. However, I think that puts a lot of pressure on a person where work in his desired field may not be available or feasible from a financial standpoint. I personally work to live and don’t live to work, so I’ve let go of that pressure and just accept that while I may not LOVE what I do, it gives me the ability to enjoy my hobbies and interests outside of my 9-5. The Dalai Lama seems to be on board with that, too. I think there are ways we can enjoy our day jobs even if they’re not what we said we wanted to be when we grow up.

I just came upon this article and thought it might help you: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Fallen Human, I feel for you and understand the pain of betrayal. One thing I would encourage you to remember is that her decision to betray you was HER decision and is not an indication of your value. I think oftentimes we focus on our pain so much that we think the betrayal is about US – what did we lack, why weren’t we good enough, how could she do this TO you…. when in actuality it was likely not so much a malicious act against you but rather a selfish act all about her and her needs & desires. While it’s important to examine what role we play in the relationship deteriorating, remember that we all are responsible for our own choices. Try not to personalize the choices she made. You offered her love, support and care. She chose to have an affair and she will have to live with herself for making that choice.

Charlie,
I found this Tiny Buddha article really helpful and you may too: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-depression-10-ways-to-feel-positive-and-peaceful/

I don’t mind you asking but to be honest, the relationship ended several years ago and I’m not sure I could point to exactly what went wrong. I can tell you that throughout, I had troubles trusting him. Not only was his ex his best friend, virtually ALL of his friends were other women, many of whom he had either dated or who wanted to date him. This may be narrow minded of me to think this way, but it always struck me as a bit odd that he didn’t have any men his life he could relate to. But truly it wasn’t even exactly that, there were just so many stories he told me that didn’t quite add up. He was in legal/criminal trouble as well and ended up serving some time for an OWI (his second). I never believed the story he presented to the jury (also involving another woman) but I stood by his side and even enlisted the help of my father’s attorney friend (at a huge expense) to appeal the conviction. I felt like if I couldn’t believe him about something that was such a big deal (to me anyway) that I couldn’t trust him in general. I haven’t thought about that relationship for awhile, whew!

I ramble, but I believe trust is so fundamental to a relationship. I can’t think of a more important thing. So ask yourself if you truly trust your boyfriend. If you do with all your heart and soul, what is it that bothers you about his friendship so much? No judgment, but the answers might help you as you evaluate things.

Isabella,
I can relate to your situation. I dated a man who was “best friends” with his ex-girlfriend and it bothered me, a lot. I realize there was insecurity on my part and maybe that insecurity wouldn’t have been as pronounced if I didn’t have other issues/doubts within the relationship. That said, I think it all depends on what expectations you have for a romantic relationship. Some people would be ok with it and some people would not. I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong, except in the sense that you have to feel comfortable and trusting in a relationship no matter what the circumstances. If his friendship with her doesn’t work for you, that’s ok, but you may need to remove yourself from the relationship. For me, I would hope that my partner and I would be “best friends”. The emotional intimacy is as (or more) important to me as the physical intimacy. My view is that my partner should not be as emotionally intimate with another person as he is with me. Otherwise what makes our relationship special aside from the physical aspects?

I am happy if you are able to reach a compromise with your boyfriend, but tread lightly. If you try to control the situation, it may lead to resentment and rebellion. I think what you’re asking for seems reasonable, but at the same time, is it really a mathematical formula? By that I mean, if he only emails her two times a week instead of five, does that really make a difference in the quality or character of their relationship? Does it make you feel better? My personal opinion is that getting together 4 times a year is really not all that much, however if they are emailing nearly daily I would have some heartburn about that.

I agree with what The Ruminant said – your approach in discussing this could make all the difference. If you come at it by dictating terms of his friendship (only 2 emails per week, 3 of the 4 meetings have to include me, etc.) you might have less success than if you talk more about your feelings. I think it’s a good sign that he is trying to arrange a meetup with the four of you.

Kumo,

Inner Typewriter gave you some wonderful suggestions. I’ll add one more: music is another gift I like to share with people dear to me. Perhaps there are some songs that you could put on a cd for her that would serve as a soundtrack to your friendship – songs you both like, songs that remind you of her, songs she might associate with your time together. There are also songs whose lyrics express gratitude & love.

No matter what you decide, your friend will likely cherish it. A kind gesture means so much. It’s really great you’re stepping out of your comfort zone to grow and share this with your friend.

Kelly