Such a common problem in relationships. Thank you for having the strength to reach out for support.

I think the best place to turn in times of strife is love. Not the romantic dreamy bout that comes and goes with the pace of the wind. I’m talking the real deal, often referred to as unconditional love.

All conflict in relationships arise because of unmet needs. This goes for professional, personal, and even the relationship that we have with ourselves (which is paramount when we are talking about mental health troubles).

Using unconditional love to help rectify these troubles is much different than movies, novels, or friends and family advice that you’ll typically get. Remember, this level of love requires nothing in advance. This is also what most people get wrong in their relationships. They are expecting, they have conditions, expectations, judgements, and a long history of not getting their needs met. What we think about we bring about, and if your stuck in the past, of want, of lack that’s precisely what you’ll continue to get.

My advice, infuse your existence with love. It’s as simple as repeating “I love you” incessantly in your head. I like to do things in three’s to help maintain this state. Drinking water: I(gulp) love (gulp) you(gulp). Walking: I(step) love(step) you(step). Exercising: I(repetition) love(repetition) you(repetition).

The biggest hang-up people have with love is the expectation that it comes from outside of them. We actually generate the stuff. It comes from within. We manufacture it. When you realize this, then you realize you are in control. You are the one with the ultimate power. This allows for compassion at a much higher level. This is true grace for others.

If you need more from your relationships, you can have an honest respectful conversation based in love. Use Nonviolent Communication techniques as an outline: Observation (what you see or hear), Feelings (how it makes you feel), Needs (what do you specifically need), Requests (how can you invite them to change future interactions with you).

When you notice those negative thoughts, those feelings of lack, the idea of isolation, remember that you are not living your highest potential. Keep practicing love. And with all practices, we don’t practice until we get it right, we practice until we can’t get it wrong. Practice unconditional love until its your natural response.

What a great question Danny.

I’ve seen many philosophies that convey that 100% Responsiblity frame and it can seem unhealthy or damaging at first glance.

The most important piece of this concept is control. When you accept 100% responsibility for everything in your life that you are aware of it puts you in the drivers seat. You now have a choice. This is the true power of it. Without 100% responsibility it can quickly seem like you are a victim. Like your just strung out for the lions to have their way with you.

One of these philosophies is a Hawaiian forgiveness prayer called Ho’oponopono. One of it’s principles is, “You are 100% responsible for all you experience. What happens is not your fault, but it is your responsibilty.”

When we accept responsibility we enact our right to choose. Does this mean that it’s because of us that these good or bad things happen? No, I don’t believe so. However, I do believe that once it comes into our awareness, we can choose to either rectify that wrong/pain or ignore it.

The fastest path to the life we want is through those things we don’t want to do, but we know will lead us to our best self.

The 100% Responsiblity frame gives us a perspective that helps us navigate life. Life is a great big game, the purpose of which is to grow. Like any game, the more you practice the better you get. You don’t practice until you get it right, you practice until you can’t get it wrong. In other words, once you’ve learned your lesson, leveled up your game, then you just won’t experience that pain or frustration again.

I don’t think there is another philosophy out there that is more empowering or health. Keep practicing!