Every day is suffering. Every smiling couple who I see is a slap to my face. What do these people have that I don’t?

Even these monsters who you claim don’t attract love have someone in their life who, either initially saw something worthwhile or continues to see value in them. Despite how cruel and petty they are someone accepts their invitation to stand beside them in their life.

I reject that the world is overtly cruel and wretched. I see numerous happy couples. Love is not rare, but it is certainly thrown around as if there were no value to it. Realistically speaking love is not a finite resource. There is no risk of the world running out of love. People take risks, they build connections, they blindly attach themselves to others based on superficial characteristics, they latch on to deeper spiritual connections and see past a person’s outer shell. The word is not this grey and dreary world devoid of love. It is plentiful. Knowing this is infuriating, however. Knowing this it is clear to me that the lack of love in my life is either abnormal or a perfectly reasonable situation for someone such as myself to find themselves in. Frankly, I don’t know what reality frightens me more, the one where I have exactly as much love as I deserve (none) or the one where my better qualities play absolutely no role in weather or not someone decides to love me.

I just want to know why I’m alone. What about me excludes me from being loved? Why is it SO OBVIOUS to EVERYONE I’m not worth being loved?

I’ve made a persistent attempt to be part of the rest of the world for years. It has never worked. I’m not accepted.

I’ve tried, my god have I tried, to feel like I’m part of society. I’m not allowed to strike up conversations in hobby stores. My opinions are not valued by my peers. My presence is not felt when I’m part of a group and I am not missed when I am away. I find I am only welcomed around people, such as myself, who suffer depression, anxiety or a lack of self confidence.

Frankly, I have to wonder if I even want to be part of such an apathetic and uncaring society. One so obsessed with their own happiness and so unconcerned with the suffering of others does not appeal to me. All I want is one person who will let me love them and will love me in kind. Just one person who I truly matter to. I’m done trying to fit into a society would could so callously lock me away so my presence would not offend them. I just want to be accepted a person. I want to know my life matters to someone and that I’m needed and valued. Monsters can find someone who will love them so why can’t I? I’d like to think I’m far more likable than someone who abuses their partners or treats other people like trash. But apparently I’m not more desirable than people like that. Whatever inherent value those people have that make them lovable I lack.