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JohnParticipant
I’ve worked on helping and healing myself for 25 years. Constant therapy. On meds and off meds and different meds. I’ve been alone nearly all of my life. Few friends, never a girlfriend, sent away wheb I was very young and in and out out of inpatient treatment for my entire childhood.
I feel alone. I feel rejected. I am both of those things. Having another human being who loves, who really deeply loves me is the only thing in life I want. The thought that maybe someday I will find someone is the one and only reason I haven’t decided to kill myself. Finding real love isn’t just the only reason I have to ne alive but it is also something I should bot have to give up on. Because if I have to give up on never being loved and I have to accept I’ll never be loved then everything I fear about myself is true. I truely am unwanted abd lovable. I truely am worthless. My species and their society truely does place zero value in me and view me or otherwise views my presence as that of an outside invader. Being alone is and being unlovable is proof that I am unworthy to be alive. It ia proof that society has rejected my existence and who I am. If I can’t expect to find love and I have to admit it is simply beyond my reach because I’m not good enough for it then I’m admitting defeat and I’m admitting I’m not welcomed to be part of my species and that they have rejected my existence.
I have not given up yet. I refuse to believe I am truely unlovable. But the second I determine I will suffer alone forever I will be sure to cancel my subscription to life because I will not force myself to suffer.
JohnParticipantThe fact that you can continually find people who want to invest time in getting to know you and that they allow you to get close to them is a good sign. It’s normal. People want to give you a chance and it’s a good thing when either you or they identify that you aren’t a good fit.
I assure you it is absolutely natural to fall in and out of love with people. It’s not like you’ve never been in a relationship before at all. You have options. Be thankful and don’t settle for anyone who isn’t the right fit.
JohnParticipantI go to the meetups. I do all of the things everyone keeps suggesting. Other people have luck with these opportunities. Not me.
I’m not perpetually angry but I am in day 4 of a 4 day long panic attack that isn’t going anywhere at the moment. But I know plenty of people who are perceptually angry who have someone in their lives. I know people who are fatter and uglier than who are desirable and have love. I know people who are far crueler and angrier than I who have someone in their lives. I know people who are literally suicidal who have someone else who loves them. It is clear to me that none of the above, not being skinny, or attractive or calm or even loving yourself is in any way a prerequisite for love. So why does everyone keep insisting that it is?The problem is not that I’m angry because angry and abusive people can find someone to love them, even though they don’t deserve it. he problem is not that I’m overweight because people far fatter than I can find someone who finds them attractive (beautiful people, at that). The problem is not that I do not love myself because people who suffer from depression and insecurities and who are suicidal are perfectly capable of finding love. I put my self out there CONSTANTLY I put in all of the leg work but it doesn’t amount to ANYTHING. There must be something else that’s deeply and grossly wrong with me. There must be something about me that’s so glaringly and obviously wrong with me that it makes me less desirable than a wife beater or someone who treats their partner like a trophy or someone who is racist or sexist or a jobless loser or ALL of those other people who are capable of finding love while I’m not. Why else would I have less luck at finding love than all of those people? All of these rules and stipulations people keep throwing around can’t only apply to me. There must be something else, something far worse and far more terrible that makes me unlovable.
JohnParticipantYou can do better than him. Don’t fall into the trap of being with some who os combative with you because he’s familiar or comforting. Be with someone who actually deserves your love.
JohnParticipantIf I’m better than why am I alone? Why can’t I attract someone but they can? Why are they always the superior choice to me? What’s so wrong with me that I’m incapable of finding love? If I’m better than they are I should have the same luck- no BETTER luck at finding love than they do. Heck, I should be able to actually find and nurture love rather than conning and manipulating some poor person into staying with me when they should leave.
Why can’t I do that? Why am I not good enough for anyone? My mother sent me away because I was broken, my family keeps me at arms length because they have no desire to show me compassion why am I the one who doesn’t deserve love when everyone else is so callous? Nothing in life os random. Everything has a rhyme and reason to it. Everything has a deliberate beginning and end and cause and effect. The universe is not random, it ia founded on order abd reason. Why am I alone and devoid of love if I legitimately am worthy of it? Why are people who are utterly despicable capable of attaining what I can’t? If I’m better than them reality should reflect that assessment but it doesn’t. Why?
Why won’t anyone let me love them? Why aren’t I good enough for anyone?
JohnParticipantMy opinion of my self has never matter to anyone. I have spent a quarter century tring to put myself together and have gone through numerous therapists and forms of medication. I can NOT wait for myself to be complete before I find love. I do not have that luxury.
To me, admitting that I have to run through all of these blasted hoops before I’m capable of finding lobe deserving of love is an admission that I am unlovable. It’s giving up. It’s defeat. It’s confirming and admitting that everything I’ve been saying about myself is true.
NO ONE ELSE has to jump through all these hoops just for a woman to respond to you. NO ONE ELSE has a much love to give and to offer as I do. No one else is in as desperate and starved to feel the love an acceptance of another human being as I am. If I have to jump through all of these hoops just to be loveable then I’m admitting there’s something deeply wrong with me, so deeply wrong with me that it makes me unlovable beyond all hope. It makes me less desirable then the jerk who is dating one of my friends and abuses her or the violent drunkard with violent anger issues who will always have been married one time more than he’s been divorced. It means I am less repulsive than those… those cruel, abusive and vile and inhuman monsters. I REFUSE to believe that as I am I am a lesser choice to Billy Bob the Boozed up Beater, Conceded Charlie the Chronic Cheater, Abusive Andy, Manipulative Manny and all of these other despicable characters who can attract a mate and who appears desirable. I’M BETTER THAN ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE. I must be. If I’m not than I am the absolute lowest possible form of scum on earth.
JohnParticipantMy answers about why I’m alone are purely conjecture but they are honest conjecture. I don’t have any of the answers. I’m taking shots in the dark because no one is yet to clearly and concisely say “John, do this and this and yo won’t be single anymore.” Everyone keeps telling me how I have all of these great qualities but they don’t do anything for me so I need to determine if they’re lying to me or if there is some other horrible aspect about myself they refuse to tell me about or they can’t see themselves.
If I’m not honest I feel I’m being denied some I deserve and unfairly judged by everyone. I feel like I have all of these great qualities but no one sees them or no one cares. I feel I as though I am good enough for most of the women I reached out to who I had an earnest interest in but for one reason or another I was rejected without being given a fair chance. That’s what I want to say. That’s what I want to feel. But as much as I want to feel that I know it is untrue.
Except no one owes it to me to give me a chance, least of all women. I’m constantly told this and I see it everywhere. I don’t assume I’m entitled to a woman’s attention at all, mind you. I’m fully aware their lack of interest is a reflection of who I am as a person. I mean how arrogant and self centered would I have to be to feel as though another human being was required to give me a chance? Am I wrong? I mean men are constantly torn apart for having the audacity and the chauvinistic arrogance to believe women owe them a conversation, a smile or anything. I have no such assumption they owe me anything. I’m ignored and rejected because it is obvious how unlovable I am.
Please, I implore you or anyone to offer me another reason why I’m ignore and alone. Be honest. Am I legitimately worthless and unlovable? Tell me so I can stop wasting my time and energy. Am I not selling myself right? Tell me and show me how to do so better. Does my OkCupid profile suck? Tell me help me rewrite it.
My answers are horrible. I want to believe that. I want to believe I am lovable. I want to believe I can find love. But reality doesn’t support these beliefs. So please help me to better interpret them. Even my therapist won’t hhelp me make sense of any of this. I don’t know what secret password I need to tell him so he’ll help me sort it out but he’s definitely not earning his pay when it comes to telling me why I’m unlovable and alone.
I just want to know how to get someone to let me love them and to love me in kind. If there’s nothing there to love… well then I need to know that for certain. If there is a something to love then I need to know how to make someone else care.
JohnParticipant@Authorgirl Remaining single is out of the question. Having a loving relationship and having someone else in my life is the only thing that matters. I should be able to attract a romantic partner. Virtually everyone else can, so why can’t I? Lots of people who are far more messed up than I am are able be desirable enough to attract a loved one. Why can’t I?
I’m going to be 31 this month. I’ve been trying to put the pieces of my wretched existence together for nearly 25 years. I do not expect I’ll succeed anytime soon. Heh, at this point it’s like trying to put together a broken vase from a pile of talc someone else handed you. You know nothing about what the vase is supposed to look like, or if it even was a vase to begin with. Also the feat is impossible.
Also I’m a man. I don’t know if you were using a woman as an example or empathizing with me under the assumption I was a woman but I am very much a man. I’m also aware, through doing numerous searches on the web, that this is not a problem you see posted me men. For every 1 post by a man asking why he’s unlovable there are hundreds more by women. This is not a problem men like to openly share or seek help for…. or maybe it’s not a problem they tend to have. Either way it makes me feel even worse because, in my mind, it makes me feel as through my current problem is that much more atypical. That there’s something deeply and severely wrong with me.
For me being single is a death sentence.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by John.
JohnParticipantThat’s really the sum of it.
It’s like everyone else speaks two languages, one verbal and empty and one hidden and dynamic. Meanwhile I speak a version of the verbal language which HAS to be more honest and meaningful because… well because it’s all have to go off of and there’s enough confusion going around withing adding my own deceit into the mix.
How do I think it impacts my ability to date? Honestly? I don’t know if it does. I’m very high functioning. I know others who are less functioning than I am and they have been in relationships. Why can can all of these other people who are depressed, anxious and have Asperger’s all all find love and not me? Fantastic question. I knew I wouldn’t be single (I would be and I wold at least know why I’m stuck this way).
How do I suspect it inhibits my ability to take? Simple. I don’t convey emotions or social cues “properly” (Yes, properly. As in I do them WRONG. Don’t patronize me, if it wasn’t wrong it wouldn’t be a disorder.) and I almost don’t pick up on them from others at all. However as other friends and acquaintances of mine who have Asperger’s I doubt this is the big thing holding me back…. if anything it’s part of a complicated cocktail of overlapping qualities that exclude me from being a viable and lovable individual.
JohnParticipantWhat’s my approach to dating? I don’t I can’t get other human being to even recognize me as the same species, let a lone to out to coffee and talk.
I’ve tried online dating. Multiple websites. Hundreds of messages sent to hundreds of people. At first I was picky but as my spirit was crushed I cast a wider and wider net until I had given up all notions of standards and was reaching out to anyone just to see if I could get a response from anyone.
I tried connecting to people based on something we had in common. I tried starting conversations. I tried complementing them. I tried straight up asking if they wanted to get coffee or see a movie. The only time I receive a response is when someone want to take the time to tell me how very much they are NOT interested in me.
I’ve tried going to place where people who share interests wth myself would congregate. I’m a massive loser so naturally I enjoy table top Role Playing Games, trading card games, video games and most things with a science fiction or fantasy theme. I tried going to local trading card game tournaments, book stores, gaming meet ups and the like. I’ve tried striking up conversations with people wherever I go if anything to brush up on the social skills I never developed (not just women, I just try my best to be friendly). But people can tell I’m not worth talking to.
I have Asperger’s Syndrome so body language and other non-verbal contact cues are beyond my understanding (not for lack of trying). To me it is almost as if everyone else has telepathy and they use that invisible language to convey the truth of what they are saying while openly and verbally lying to me about…. well just about anything. There is one form of body language I’m familiar with. I see it all the time. It’s the “I don’t care, please go away” body language. It’s unmistakable. I see it all of the time. Somehow people can use their non-Aspergered brains to tell, virtually instantaneously, that I am not wort their time.
I mean by the sheer odds of probability I should’ve ran into someone with a loser fetish or who was genuinely interested in giving me a chance. But I guess that’s like rolling a 6 sided die and hoping it lands on an 8. There’s statistically impossible and then there’s impossible.
JohnParticipantThank you @Authorgirl . Sadly your opinion is in the minority. If if a 10th of the people I reached out to gave me that sort of benefit of the doubt I have no doubt I’d be in a happy relationship by now. Sadly it seems I deserve no such benefit of the bout. I am alone because I deserve to be. If I didn’t deserve to be alone I wouldn’t be alone. I need to know how to become good enough to be loved or to hide whatever glaringly obvious flaw that I have that makes the idea of loving me so utterly repugnant.
JohnParticipantI thank you for your kind words, Maria, but I can’t truly appreciate what isn’t tangible and before me eyes. I don’t feel community with those who aren’t really there. My life has been full of too much isolation. Either someone is beside me and in my life or they are not.
Similarly it does not change that I have no one to love and no one to love me in the manner I truly want, something deep, romantic and unconditional. I it won’t solve my problems and I know it won’t cure me but it is the only thing in life that I want right now. I need someone in my life who I can love. I need to be valued by another. I a strong urge to have a family. When I’m old and gray I want to be surrounded by loving children, maybe even my wife, the way my father was. I want those people in my life as I continue to age and continue to wither. If that’s too much to ask for…. then I have no desire to grow so old.
JohnParticipantI’m sorry but I’m not satisfied with these answers. I’ve learned nothing that I already didn’t know and I need answers because nothing makes sense to me.
How do I effectively communicate with people? I’m ecstatic you feel I have those skills but I don’t. Certainly not face to face. What do I tell people to make them see I’m worthy? What about me even is worthwhile? I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for nearly 25 years! I’ve been in therapy since I was 5! I’m not getting cured anytime soon. How do I make someone feel like being around me would be an enjoyably experience?
How do I make up for my obviously ill-functioning mind which isn’t defective even though it lacks the basic functions of nearly 95% of the human population? How do I communicate all of this to people? Do I hide the fact that I’m perpetually in pain and suffering because I’m alone? Do I wait another 30 years and hope I’m cured by then? Then another 30 after that? What if I actually DON’T have anything to offer another human being? For that matter, when someone says “something to offer” what do they even mean? What are you offering? What does one offer? A steady job? I have one. No one cares. Be pleasant to be around? When I’m not in the middle of one of my 3 day long panic attacks I’m told my company is quire enjoyable. Doesn’t do me any good. Emotional stability? Yeah, this’ll likely never be something I’m capable of offering another human being so if this is the lynch pin of the equation I’m basically alone forever.
See the quandary you propose, weather you realize it or not (and I’m sure you do not) is that the requirements you claim another human being has to love someone are outside of my reach. However you claim I have these qualities (even I want to believe I have these qualities). So if I have the tools and qualities needed to attract someone why am I still alone and why won’t anyone give me a chance? Do I not meet the requirements to be loved? You said everyone deserves to be loved but then you said if I have nothing of value to offer no one will want to be with me. Well I wouldn’t be with someone if I didn’t love them so what I hear is “No one will live you because you lack these qualities”. Maybe that’s not what you meant to say but it’s what I’ve heard. It’s what I keep hearing. I hear it from everyone. Constantly.
When you break all the advice down to it’s smallest minutia the message being conveyed is “No one will love you because you do not have the qualities other people value”. That’s what I hear. And they disguise it. Like, they can’t just look me in the eye and say “John, listen. No one will ever love you. You’re worthless and have nothing to offer. You don’t deserve love.” At least I would respect their honesty. If that was the answer I got from the very beginning I would’ve given up a long, long time ago. Instead they bury the truth behind empty platitudes. Something like “If a person doesn’t feel the promise of some good feeling about being with you, the person will not be motivated to be with you.” which basically translates to “people don’t like being around you, that’s why you’re alone” which translates to “The person you are is unlovable”.
At this point in the game I should’ve had some luck. I should’ve gone on a date or two, been dumped and been able to try again. But, no. It’s that obvious, so utterly and GLARINGLY obvious to everyone how utterly unlovable and worthless I am. I need to know how to make people think I’m not a worthless and unlovable waste of flesh. To me it makes perfect sense: I have nothing of value to offer ergo I’m alone. I’m not a bad person, I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. I hurt every single day and nothing makes it stop.
I’m scared and I’m alone and no one seems to be able to offer me the advice I need. This isn’t some faulty wiring in my head I have a real and honest deficiency in my life that I can not resolve. I need a salutation to my problem, not empty platitudes. No one wants to tell me what I need to do, step by step, to make another person see my worth and fall in love with me. So if you won’t or can’t offer me that hope that’s fine. It’s nothing new, either. No one really wants to help me. Everyone seems content knowing I’m alone. It seems to be the way it’s meant to be. No one will give me a chance and no one wants to offer me any advice. I’m meant to be alone and I’m meant to be unloved and the sooner I accept that fact I can learn to lie to myself about how happy I am.
JohnParticipant(not sure of posts are going though so I’m trying again)
Anita,
You said:
“By effectively communicating to a woman that there is something about you that will benefit her, that will make her feel good; that there is some significant advantage for her if she gets into a relationship with you. “
So what you’re saying is I don’t deserve love. I’m fairly certain I have nothing to offer that can’t be found in anyone else with they added benefit of not being me. It’s not for a lack of trying, mind you, but it I simply can’t fathom that I have anything to offer someone else. I mean even people who beat their wives are clearly strong and powerful predators who can protect their herd from outside threats. What do I have to offer? Love? Compassion? My personality? All worthless! None of that matters because if it did someone would have picked up on it. Someone would have valued it.
I understand now. It’s really quite clear when you thing about it. I ave this CRAZY notion that love means something when in reality it’s really quite meaningless. Don’t seek relationships because they value love, no, they do so because they want to be part of a mutually equitable business arrangement with another human being. If you have nothing of value to offer someone then YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.
Am I understanding you correctly? You see on top of having very severe depression and anxiety I also suffer from Aspberger’s Syndrome. The latter of the 3 alone means I have difficulties EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATING with people. But the former two quirks of mine basically ensure that what little social skills I do have at communicating with people (effectively) are twisted and distorted. So let me try to summarize my understanding of what you are saying, and please don’t take offense to this because I am honest to goodness try my very best to understand what you are saying and unravel the ramifications and meaning of what it entails.
“Because I have a defective brain and had an upbringing that only exacerbated and my problems and because I lack the ability to effectively communicate to people why I am worthy of love I am undeserving of love.”
Or, to further summarize: “Basically every, last existential horror and insecurity I have about myself and about life is 100% correct.”
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by John.
JohnParticipantMy father cared about be immensely. I felt like he was the only person who loved me unconditionally. I watched him slow wither away from cancer. I was the only one who was beside him when he breathed his last breath. When he passed my brother went home to his wife. My sister when home to her fiance. My mother went home to her house. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I was left alone. Like always. I had no one and one one offered to stay.
The gasp my father let lose after passing was like a funeral bell that not only signified the end of his life by the end of my own joy. Finally I was truly alone. Attempts to reach out to my family failed repeatedly. When ignoring me was no longer enough they sent me away to be treated once again, because they could not be bothered to be there for me and show me empathy or compassion themselves. That’s how they deal with my pain. That’s always how they’ve dealt with my pain. Whatever desires I have or deficiencies in my life I want to resolves are irrelevant to them. To them, all of my problems are in my head and need to be “cured”. The problem isn’t that I’m alone it’s that I care that I’m alone or place too much value on companionship. The problem isn’t that my life lacks fulfillment but rather it’s that I FEEL unfulfilled and the salutation isn’t to find fulfillment but to cure myself of the notion that I need or deserve fulfillment. My problems are never real problems with real solutions to them because early in my life they earned with a word, with a call they can send me away and trivialize me suffering.
But not my father. He would listen to my concerns. He would give me advice and encourage me to never give up but would accept me even when I felt like I wanted to. He was always against the perpetual inpatient treatment I had forced upon me. Neither he nor my mother ever said so but I know it contributed to their divorce. When I would speak to my father about of my history of treatment it was not uncommon for the subject to somehow gravitate towards my parent’s divorce. He loved me very dearly and he accepted me. I no longer have that in my life.
I don’t expect my family to change. I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. I wash my hands clean of them. They are who they are and if they were capable of changing they would have done so by now. I accept that. All I ever needed in my life was a single person who loves me unconditionally. Who loves me for who I am and who sees the good in me. I want to make that happen. I need to. I need someone to love. I need that purpose. I took care of my father to his dying breath and he took care of me. I want to be loved again. I want to have a family. I don’t want to grow old and die alone.
I have a deep and real need to be loved and I want to know how to make someone else love me. I want to know how to make them see whatever value I have in side of me. I know SOMETHING of value must reside inside of me. But that spark isn’t good enough for anyone. My I’m not good enough for anyone. I want to be good enough to be loved by someone else. I want to be good enough for another human being to spend a portion of their life with me. Anyone can do it, and indeed I’ve seen this for myself. People keep saying I deserve love. Words are meaningless, especially when there is no evidence to support it. If I deserve love why can’t I be loved? Why can Billy Bob Beater keep finding someone to marry after his next divorce but I can’t find a single human being who will even give me a chance? If I truly deserve to be loved then why aren’t I? However you word it or twist the semantics of it I want to know: “How do I make someone to love me?” “How do I find someone who will fall in love with me?” WHATEVER pointless semantics I need to sue when phrasing my question where the end result is that another human being allows me to love them and loves me in kind. That’s all I care about.
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