He sounds really toxic. If he’s managed to confuse you so much that you don’t trust yourself anymore, then he can almost count on you coming back. It sounds like your identity has been compromised and he’s found a way to ‘control’ you and keep you under his will. The fact that you’ve acknowledged your part in this is huge, just like someone else has said. But don’t make excuses for him and his behaviour. I think your gut is telling you the answer to your question. The fact that you have to ask others whether you have the problems or he just means you don’t trust yourself — but that doesn’t mean you don’t already know the answer. You just want us to say ‘yes, you’re right’, he has all the problems! A relationship is made up of two people. However he treated you and you him, you both gave each other permission to be that way. It’s time to accept that and to ask yourself what kind of treatment you’re willing to accept in the future. Take this relationship as a warning and as a lesson, can you imagine your life like this? Years and years going by in such chaos? Take this ‘pause’ as an opportunity and use this time to really start trusting yourself and your intuition again. Some people just aren’t worth putting in so much effort for.

As for wanting accountability… it’s easier if you learn to let go. He sounds like he’s going to continue ‘suffering’ if he keeps behaving the way he has been, he won’t ever find peace or joy or light. That is karma right there. Focus on you instead, bring those things into your own life.

One more thing for you on your journey to recovering your self-esteem. This book saved my life once when I was in a similar position as you, perhaps it will help you too. “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. Just pick it up and read a few pages.. I have a feeling it will speak to you immediately, like it did to me. Good luck on your journey.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Waterfalls.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Waterfalls.

Hi,
I sympathize with what you’re (all) going through. I went through something really similar about 7-8 years ago. I had a hard time letting go of my dependence on my bf after we had broken up, but now in hindsight, I realize that I was always creating this illusion that he was this great guy and that I was losing out by losing him. By focusing all my energy on the fact that he and I were no longer together and that I had ‘missed out’, and by constantly driving myself crazy by wondering who he was with, etc. I was actually just distracting myself from focusing on myself. I wasn’t asking myself the questions I needed to: why was I feeling this big hole inside of me? Why was I so fixated on him? Why was I choosing to put myself through so much suffering?

So what I’m trying to say to you is that things sometimes happen for a reason. You can’t control the outcome of a relationship, but sometimes the best thing to do is to find your own sanity, do things to care for yourself (especially when you’re hurting) and just be patient. In time you’ll realize that the relationship wasn’t meant to be and that there was a reason why it happened – a lesson maybe. For now maybe you just need to focus more on yourself and less on him. Find your own peace. Try to do an activity you’ve always wanted to do – step out of your comfort zone. Take walks outside and be in nature.. the stillness you’ll find there will help you clear your head and gain perspective on the situation. Slowly things will get better and you’ll grow wiser. You’ll see things for what they really were as far as your ex is concerned. Your mind won’t be making up any excuses anymore telling you that you did everything wrong while he was this great man. If you felt you were never ‘good enough’ for him then that tells me immediately that you need to do some self-reflection to figure out why you felt that way. You were put on earth for a reason and you have a lot to offer the world, don’t ever forget that.

I’m happy to tell you that now that I’m in the ‘right’ relationship things are so different. My partner and I support each other’s growth and we connect on a deeper level. We’re best friends and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and we both feel grateful to have the opportunity to be together. There are no expectations. There is no use in trying to control each other or to even think negatively and let the fear inside of us (yes we all have them) run the show. You realize as you get older that life can be much simpler if you choose to make it such – surround yourself with good, genuine people and put yourself and your needs first. Nobody has the right to make you feel inferior to them, and you don’t have the right to be so hard on yourself either.

Things will work out in time. Just trust and have faith in the bigger picture.