Hi,

I am an Indian women and grew up in India, and lived major part of my life over there before I landed in US. Indian culture is very different from US. Most men don’t grow out of their mother’s lap. Only few are independent minded, and almost none would go against family. Family bonding is strong in India or in an Indian family, which has its benefits and ills, but generally parents worry about having an outsider take away their ‘beloved son’ and want to marry him with a person who they can control. Also, one reason is parents wealth is transmitted to son and they want an insider. I would only say don’t bother with ‘Indian men’ unless you are sure he is independent and not to be bogged down by family. Times are changing, and people are changing. Cannot put every one in the same boat, but far too many act the same way.

-V

Hi Vidoushi,

You might have to wait to get closure. As time will pass, you can renew contact maybe after 5-6 years. But you cannot spend this time waiting for closure and not doing anything related to career. My worry is more that Canada will remind you of him and less that you cannot be independent. If the similar opportunity exist elsewhere give it a thought eg New Zealand, Australia. If not, what the heck, just go. Once you land there, if you need extra motivation, just ask in forum. If life gives you another chance, never loose it.

Regarding your idea of lost time, I get that. I had the same feeling when my Ex broke up. I thought what a sheer waste of 2 years of critical period of my life. The time I gave him when I should be building career. After the knockout, I did built my career. Only benefit I got of relation was that my Ex had some good qualities and I implemented them in my life.  I know more about me also. You learn from the ‘tragedy’.

Take care,

V

Hi Maharani,

Only way to stop feeling anger is to ‘forgive’ and move forward in life. Forgiving someone for the wrong they did is not easy..especially close relative, but its the only way forward. Regarding yelling and raising hand, know that I am a mom and sometimes in the heat of moment, I have done the same to my kids. Also, know that I have been beaten up too as a child as its pretty common in India. Try to understand where your parents are coming from, they have been handled the same way as you, and its a vicious cycle that goes forever until someone stops it. Sometimes situation is more dire (as in your case) when husband is not good towards wife. All the anger related to the husband falls on the children and they become scapegoat. Human psychology is complex. It will be long road to healing, and I pray that you find light.

Take care,

V

Hi VJ,

I have read your story and I am an Indian also, so I understand your dilemma. Its difficult decision but RUN from this guy and this family. Even if you will try, try and try then also there is good chance that you will end up in divorce which will still be better than misery they all will create around your life if you choose to spend your life with him. In case of divorce, his family will gulp all dowry, and if his family is making big deal about engagement gift they would always want more and more. Your own family doesn’t deserve to be party to your mistakes. Yes it will hurt, but better grieve today than clouding your life with grief — entering dysfunctional family. Also, my mother suffers from depression and my mother’s illness and affected our life considerably. If you choose to persist in marrying the guy, be aware that your life will be affected enormously.

From what I understand you have job — focus on that. Please don’t ruin your career. Your career will only uplift you from this messy situation. Study and move forward. Give yourself time but ask this guy to get lost. Also, current time is not to think about future relation — what your future relationship/others will think, but think how you are going to overcome the grief and move on. Show courage and have faith in God. Not all is lost.

Take care,

V

Hi Trekker,

You are not alone in the world facing this problem and such person. Life is for living, people come and go. Don’t beat yourself too much on what you said and what you could have done. I suppose you are a young people, and pain you are going through will shape you for life, and make you more empathic in long run. Such pain are ‘rite of passage’.. may I say. I am no Zen though.

When I was around 23, in my first relationship (which was very real), my boyfriend broke up with me saying, he will never marry me. We were going around for about 1.5 year, and he did not gave me any reason. Neither did I asked, as I was shocked with change of heart. I was very heart broken and felt immense pain for a very long time. Time is a healer. But looking back, I spent a lot of time crying over the fact that I am a looser somehow…Trying to find reason as what could I have done to prevent the breakup…..I can only wish that you don’t mull over the loss too much.

If you have a career, pursue it and be better at work. Do something different to take that person out of your mind. I had started French class after the break up. In morning I went to office, evenings I took French classes, at night I had little time to think about the loss. I kept myself very busy, and restrained myself speaking to friends about the loss/him. I made real effort every day to move on. Loss would always remain, but you can ease the pain. I am about to touch 40 and I can tell you this is the only way out. Done that been there. I thank God for everything ever happened in my life… later I met my now husband and created family. I have job that I love, and I am progressing in my career.

My only advise is: don’t try to win this person back, but win your life back. Make yourself such that you are whole on your own, right person will find you.

Take care,

V