Dear Anita,

Wow! Just wow!! All these connections and links that you described. When I was reading it i felt that you really hit the spot. Thank you so much for your help Anita!

The problem is how do I get rid of this ingrained behaviour of mine that was implanted in me since young?

Dear Carolin,

Thank you for your support and help. I am still searching for clear answers. Thank you for the book recommendation. Will look into that. Will keep you posted if I really found what I have been searching for. Cheers.

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your encouragement. Well looking back at my past childhood. At a certain point in time, my family was really struggling. My parents failed their business as my mom were betrayed by her siblings who were working for them. It caused them a huge debt. My mom was really broken back then as well as my dad. But my mom was more in pain in my own perspective, as i saw her crying and constant breakdowns. It was really hard for her as her own blood related family betrayed her for money. But no matter how hard it was, she always manage to wake up early in the morning to cook for us, to bring us to school every day without fail. For that I have always admire her strength, her love and her perseverance to take good care of us. Sometimes she gets angry easily because she’s very tired and she still needs to take care of us. My parent’s hardwork and love for us makes me feel like I really owe them alot and someday I know I can repay them for what they have given me and my siblings. Maybe this contributed to my people’s pleaser behavior, I don’t know.

Now looking back in my teen years, I was a very timid and awkward individual. Being skinny and small, always being called a stick and sometimes look down upon. But I managed to get past that stage by working on myself, going to the gym eating more. As i progress in the gym, my confidence grew as well. But fast forward to my current situation, I did realized that all these while I may have neglected building my inner confidence. After going through these tough times, I realize I wasnt that strong after all even though I have a big body. I was weak in the mind and heart, still that timid kid inside of me…..it’s sad to think of it. When you think you’re on the right track but you realized you’re not. And you realize it from the people who was in and out of your life, people who gave you meaningful lessons that really teach you about who you really are.

Dear Anita,

I am not really sure if my past troubles affected my relationship. I came from a loving asian family even though my parent’s doesn’t show their affection much but I know they love each other and they love us too. Only had one past relationship before this, my first ex cheated on me as she was older than me and mainly because I was being a doormat to her. Nonetheless, I learned a lot during those times. I did pass on my insecurities from my first relationship to my current relationship but I managed it and communicated with my gf.

What I mean by conversation flow is  that we seldom have playful talks, dirty talks and you know that kind of feeling where you can just talk about anything. This has been a problem that I noticed in the early stages of the relationship and I did communicated it with her but she did not see it as a problem on her side. It is very hard to explain, its like the feeling where you just talk so much and you just wanna talk to each other all night long and then just be comfortable with each other after we have nothing to talk about. But I don’t recall having this feeling with her. When we are silent, I felt weird and a little bit uncomfortable but she’s totally fine with it. Eventually, I thought maybe I was just insecure and thing too much and just ignore this uncomfortable feeling. I think this is the reason why I have that deep connection with her which got me quite bored for quire some time.

Despite all these, I  love her as a person. She is sweet, loving and supportive. But when I ask myself all the time, Am I truly happy? I find it so difficult to answer and the amount of guilt that struck me. I just can’t be happy with her. No matter how hard I tried. I am so tired. She loves me and I know she is willing to accept me back with open arms whenever I want to. But I love her too and I don’t want her to suffer anymore. I did not know love can be this painful and I thought being cheated is painful enough. Loving someone but knowing that you can’t be happy is another level. I guess the saying “Loving someone means letting go” is true after all.

Thank you for all your replies. She texted me and tried calling me asking me for lunch. I told her it’s not a great idea. I really do miss her but I don’t think it’s really best for us to meet again. What should I do? I feel so helpless.

Dear Carolina,

Thank you for your kind words. To be honest I really learnt a lot about myself from this relationship. Learning to listen to this inner voice and learning to love myself more. I guess some people are in and out of your life for a reason, to teach all of us something valuable I’m life. I am forever grateful for her and cherished every loving memory with her.