Yes. Definitely. I clung on to a relationship that was no good for me as the thought of being alone and without him terrified me more than the abuse I suffered. Why? Because whenever I left the rush of emotions were so painful, I needed to go back to him to numb them out again.

When I first me him the high was so incredible. He was charismatic and the chemistry was intense. He hooked me in. But then the darker side of him was revealed. Each time, I wanted the guy I first me back. So I did anything and everything I could to please him and get that high back. I didn’t realise but my love was like an addiction. And the lows got lower, the highs got fewer and further between. My self esteem was crushed. After a low, the outpouring of love and remorse was so great, the high was incredible. When I left him, the opposite was true. The pain was so great and I feared losing the very thing that made me feel good again. I also needed the ‘drug’ of him to numb that pain away again.

I had to go cold turkey. To thaw out and feel those emotions – anger, sadness, loneliness, fear – in order to heal. I then had to look at why I was with a man who was unavailable to me and no good for me in the first place, when most women would have run a mile. Why was my self-worth so low I was attracted a man who treated me as worthless.

Once I really looked at myself, at where my emotional needs weren’t met as a child, I could understand them and work to change it. I took one hour at a time, if I couldn’t take one day at a time. I did something nice for myself each day. And once I found self love I no longer felt the drug like pull back to him. In fact, bad boys steered away from me, as they instinctively knew that I got they weren’t a good enough offer for me. Had I not done this I would have gone back to him, or straight into another dysfunctional relationship.

It is painful as you thaw out and that is why we cling to them. But feel the feelings. Thaw out and heal. It will get better, I promise. You also need time alone to be still. To understand why you went into a relationship not good enough for you. To build your self esteem. Once you are the best person you can be, alone. By that I mean really able to love yourself and not get your worth from a man. Then you’ll be ready for a healthier relationship. If you don’t need it, it will find you. It did for me. I am now with a man who is my best friend, who is there for me, who brings out the best in me and I in him. I couldn’t have found this without going through the process above.

I feel your pain. It was the same for me when I left an abusive man. But why is it that the pain of being alone and not with them seems to be worse than being with someone we know is not good for us? For me, this was because my loving an unavailable, abusive man became a form of addiction for me.

When we first met he was so charismatic. He focused all his attention on me and showered me with love. It was intoxicating. But once he had me, he metered out the dose of the ‘good guy’, whilst starting to show his darker side. So I was desperate to get the good guy back, to feel that high I first felt with him. As the lows got lower and the highs further apart, my self- esteem eroded. In fact, my self-esteem became dependent on when he showed me his love and remorse (which was intense after a bout of abuse). I knew I should leave him, that he was no good for me. But if I did, I subconsciously feared I’d lose the very thing I was addicted to. The very thing I needed to make me feel good again.

Why was I attracted to a man who was no good for me? Why did I stay when most other women would have run a mile? Why did I become addicted to an available man? That’s because I had little self-esteem. We only attract what we think we are worth. So if I feel worthless, then I attract a man who treats me as such. I didn’t know this then. When we met, i saw a damaged guy. One who was wonderful, but flawed. If I could rescue him, then he’d be that guy who swept me off my feet again. But in my rescuing, I was seeing him as the one with all the problems. So I could deny the fact that I was actually very insecure and with no self-esteem. When I left him a gamut of emotions poured out: pain, anger, loneliness etc. I have never sobbed so much in my life. It was overwhelming and I couldn’t cope with them. So I’d go back to him again and again. Back to the ‘drug’ that numbed those emotions out.

But like an addict we need to go cold turkey. We need to feel these emotions. To thaw out. As painful as it is, it is healing you. Feel them, then try to understand the root of them. I’d never experienced abuse in my family, I had a happy childhood. But I learnt that my emotional needs were not met as a child. My mother was so controlling, I wasn’t able to have emotions of my own. So I distrusted my gut feelings. Those gut feelings that screamed at me he wasn’t the man for me, but which I ignored.

I then worked hard to build my self-esteem. Through those painful thawing out days, I did one thing nice for myself each day. I took it hour by hour, if I couldn’t cope day by day. I cried the tears. I felt the pain. And then gradually I healed. And once I found out how to love myself, I never allowed anyone to treat me badly again. I met my soul mate. A man who loves me, is there for me and brings out the best in me. Decades later we are still going strong. You will get through this I promise. Thaw out and look at what the root of your pain is. What attracted you to someone who isn’t good for you in the first place. That way you won’t go back to him or head straight into the next dysfunctional relationship.