Hi Anita,

When we’ve talked about my concerns throughout the relationship (my feeling of uncertainty), she would say that it stems from my parents divorce and that whenever I’m uncomfortable, I want to run away. She said that our communication with each other is good, which it was very good, and that I am demonstrating an anxious attachment style.

I stopped going to her because I found that CBT for me was not the most effective style, as I tend to overthink and then me trying to rationalize my thoughts spirals until they become too big to rationalize. I am seeing a new therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which I find has really helped with my anxiety, but I am having a hard time trusting and understanding what it is I am feeling, like in this instance.

VLC

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply.

I agree with everything that you are saying, and have thought the same things, and have mentioned this to him. I think the issue is that I see him in so much pain and he is saying that he has changed and wants to change for our future. He is talking about moving in together now, and that he understands where he was selfish in the relationship. I am still feeling unsure and uncomfortable. I think my big issue is that I am going to regret not giving him a second chance and worry that I am not being fair.

I have gone on a few dates with him, and have yet to feel anything sexual. But I do feel that sense of comfort that I was mentioning earlier.

Thank you again,

VLC90

Hi Anita,

I will try to answer them as thoroughly as possible. As you can imagine, there are many details that have been left out because of the length and depth of relationships, so I appreciate your questions.

1. “When  I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is really  good at being logical and calming me down”- what does he say to you that is logical and calms you down?

– When I feel uncomfortable about our relationship, it is generally because something did not feel right. While I mentioned the issues that had bothered me at multiple times throughout our relationship, I found that they would be worked on for a bit and then the pattern would continue. When I would vocalize how I was feeling, or feeling anxious, he would talk to me about what I was feeling, which I assumed was relationship OCD, and talk to me about how I should work through my feelings and that I know they are just my fears coming through. He would also talk to me about the great parts of our relationship, which I sometimes had a hard time seeing.

2. “He also accepts  who I am and  understands me more than I have experienced before”- what does he  say and do that communicates to you that he accepts and understands you so well?

– I feel like he understand and accepts me very well because he can anticipate how I will respond to situations and adjust. While I feel as though I had lost my fun side around him, I do feel as though intellectually and emotionally we understood each other because of our ability to work through conflict.

3. “Prior to our breakup, any mention of these  things was a very negative experience”- what things and what was the negative experiences like?

– Prior to our breakup, anytime I would mention getting married or engaged or moving in, it would be met with a brash response such as “it’s not happening now so why bother talking about it”. Which discouraged me from wanting to bring it up. Following our relationship, he said that he understands that he was afraid of fully committing and now wants to talk about all of the things I wanted to talk about, and even gave a year timeline, which now frightens me. It was negative because I could not get excited about our future.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. The feeling of security and calmness came from his patience and understanding of me. When I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is really good at being logical and calming me down. He also accepts who I am and understands me more than I have experienced before. There is an element of financial security that comes from him which isn’t a huge factor, but is still there. The big problem is that even with this, I’ve always felt like something is off and not quite right with the relationship.