clau,

This story takes my breath away. I can’t even imagine how terrible this must have been for you and your sister to endure. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Please don’t question yourself for one more minute. You did the right thing. He must go and you must not doubt yourself. You must not feel sorry for him. Anita is right when she says he’ll just go back to terrifying everyone if you allow him to stay. You need him gone so you and your sister can heal in peace. And I don’t just mean gone from the house – he needs to be gone from your life – at least for the foreseeable future.
I’m sending you a giant e-hug. Please be strong just a little longer.

Mallory,

Here’s what I would try: Lay your hand gently on his arm, or take his hand. If he doesn’t look at you and make eye contact, give him a very gentle squeeze or caress. When you have his attention, smile and with as much love as you can say something like, “I’m sorry, but this topic is a little overwhelming for me right now. Would you mind if we discussed something else?” or maybe, “I’m afraid I haven’t had quite enough coffee yet to absorb what you’re saying. Can we please table this until later?” Especially now that you’ve already discussed this topic with him, I’m sure he’ll respect your request and by shifting the focus of your request from “You’re too verbose” to “I’m just not feeling up to it” he hopefully won’t take it personally.
Hugs to you. 🙂

khushboo-a,

First of all – you matter! Never doubt this. We’re not all meant to be famous or dynamic or beautiful or rich, but we all have value. Every person on this earth has a purpose, and probably every person has also questioned their purpose.

On my wall in my office I have a copy of the Desiderata and I find myself reading it at times like these. One of my favorite lines is: “Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

Another is: “If you compare yourself to others, you will become vain and bitter. There will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” That one in particular comes in handy when I’m feeling really useless. I remember no matter how low I get, there is always someone lower who might need me, and the better use of my time (rather than thinking about ME) is to reach down and pull someone else up, make someone else’s day, help someone else find a smile. It is amazing how much more valuable you feel when you brighten a person’s day, even a random stranger.

Hugs to you. Please don’t give up. It’s Friday and the sun is shining. Smile. 🙂

humour,

If it’s just a general concern, then I’m not sure I’m the best person to offer advice on dealing with obsessive thoughts and fears – I too suffer from this condition. I have a feeling you’re going to get much more helpful advice from Anita, but I did want to comment on your response – and thank you for responding.

I realize, as do you, as do we all, that eventually your parents are going to die. We all do. The reason I asked the questions I did was to ascertain how real your fears are.

From my own experience, I sometimes find myself playing a fear over and over in my head, and I’m so consumed with worry about HOW I’ll deal with it I don’t stop to logically look at whether or not it is unfounded or based in some reality.

I used to have a terrible fear of what would happen if I drove off the road into a lake with both of my kids in the back seat. How would I get them both unbuckled from their car seats and escape the car before we all drowned? I would have dreams along those lines. I would wake in distress and the dream would stay with me for days.

When I told my husband, he asked, “So, how many lakes do you drive past in an average day?” His question stopped me cold. NONE. So why on earth was this fear so all-consuming when it was ridiculously implausible? I came to realize it represented something else, maybe feeling overwhelmed or not in control of my life. Who knows, but as soon as I applied a little logic, it was a lot easier to push it away when it surfaced.

That is to say, I was more easily able to banish the obsessive thoughts from my head. That didn’t change the fact I was still completely overwhelmed and as a result, that issue just ended up resurfacing in some other form later.

If your fear of losing your parents is just that, genuine fear of being without them, then it is not such an unfounded fear. It will eventually happen and there isn’t much you can do about it except to live every day between now and then. None of us can know what tomorrow will bring. I lost my father when I was 23 and he was 59. It was sudden and came much sooner in life than I ever expected it would. If I’d had time to worry about it in advance, I don’t know if it would have changed anything. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. It was his time.

So, I guess I’d begin by looking hard at the reason behind your fears, applying a couple logic “litmus tests” and see if you can determine what is driving them to reoccur for you. That may help you find the key to master them. Hugs to you. ☺

Trevor,

You asked, “Do adults stop having their happiness tied to their relationships to others at some point?”

I’m going to take a guess here: If your parents seem annoyed and angry when you appear to be feeling down, it’s fear, not anger. Good parents (and it sounds like yours are good) worry about their children WAY more than the children ever realize. If they could take away your pain and loneliness they would, but the fact that they can’t probably makes them feel powerless and impotent. When you were a baby and you hurt, they could fix it. Now you’re a man and they can’t do anything but suggest ways to feel better. It’s a terribly helpless feeling for a parent, because to them you’re still their little boy. You always will be.

So the answer to your question is no. It sounds to me like your parents’ happiness is still very much tied to you and yours.

Try putting yourself in their shoes for a few minutes, understand their fear and helplessness, and then reconsider their advice from the standpoint that they might be the only two people in your entire life that genuinely want something JUST because it’s good for you – without any self interest. When you let down your defenses, assure them that you are open to their help, and keep the lines of communication open with them, I believe you’ll see an improvement. I hope you will. Smile. Hugs. 🙂

BTW, that last sentence was written from the standpoint of how HE might view the situation, if indeed resentment is his motivation. That was not a judgement on your actions. 🙂