Hi Zay!

Congrats on the blank canvas! Scary, yes. But also very exciting. I agree with Matt, take your time painting it.

When I found myself as a blank canvas (very thankful for that, by the way), one question that my therapist asked me was really helpful. What values do I want my future family to have? What do I want my children to value and KNOW in their hearts? Now, as a side note, I am not married and I have no kids. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have kids, but it helped me think about values in a different way. Because these are values and beliefs that I want to internalize and radiate outward towards everyone. Years later, I still add to this list of values of what I want to radiate and what I would want my (hypothetical) future daughter and son to hold true.

I would want my daughter to know that she is hardwired for struggle, but worthy of love and belonging (thank you Brene Brown). I want her (or him) to know that her worth as a person is not dependent on whether she has a boyfriend, or is wearing the right jeans, or is attending the “right” college. I want her to strive for greatness, but not be striving for perfection (which is fear based). I want her to be athletic, not in a varsity kind of way, but rather she is strong and appreciates her body and the gift of movement. I want him to know that vulnerable is good and boundaries are necessary. I want them to accept that life brings all emotions, that emotions are not bad even if they are uncomfortable. Even the uncomfortable emotions (and often especially those) are wonderful teachers and the seeds of compassion.

I could go on and on. But ultimately, by asking myself, what great things I would want for my kids, who are innocent and a blank canvas, I also figured out what values *I* wanted to embrace. Maybe that will help you figure out what to embrace for yourself?

Good luck! You’ve done a great job coming this far!

Oh, and as for the “hard to get” thing… I’ve dated plenty, but I never liked playing hard to get. It can work, don’t get me wrong (and yes, I’ve done it), but it never turns out well… for the EXACT reasons that you are experiencing. And I read an article a couple months ago that perfectly articulated WHY it never sat well with me. Playing hard to get hooks a man (or woman) by creating fear of loss, by creating a vacuum and that person clings to what they think they will lose. It’s manipulation, by both people. It’s also a poor basis for a relationship because eventually, you WANT to be gotten. And then there is no genuine connection to keep the two together. It will never bring you the kind of relationship you want.

When a relationship is based on authenticity, healthy boundaries, self-worth, and vulnerability, you can have the welcoming and satisfying connection that we are looking for. (If you’re interested, the article is by blogger, Shelly Bullard at http://shellybullard.com/… all her stuff is about relationships and why self love is the foundation for healthy relationships… the article I was talking about is “5 Keys to Finding a Really Good Man.”)

Wait, is your niece a child or an adult? I thought she was an adult, until I read Simran’s reply. That would change my answer 🙂

I appreciate that your little girl has such a strong family support all around her. She is very lucky to have responsible and caring parents who can split amicably. (My parents had a tumultuous marriage, but a seamless divorce that I am very grateful for, and they became friends after the divorce. As an adult, I greatly admire and respect their ability to do that.)

I do agree with Matt that you seem to be in child mode with your parents though. It sounds like you need to establish firmer boundaries, for YOUR sake. It is really great that your parents watch your child while you work, but I think otherwise, you should take a couple large steps back from them. They are too involved in your life and you expect them to make decisions based on your feelings.

Also, how about you spend those weekends when your daughter is at your ex’s house going out of town, doing something you’ve always wanted, and completely removing yourself from your family surroundings? Exploit those weekends alone!

Mimi —

I understand you feel disillusioned. You are seeing and experiencing a new side of life and it’s not what you thought it would be. College was a very difficult time for me — I know many people who loved it, best time of their lives. I hated it. And I saw a lot of sadness around me.

Now, 10 years later, I have many more experiences to draw upon and I see the world different. And as you continue to live your life, if you accept experiences for what they are (not good, not bad, just experiences), your viewpoint will expand.

Yes, people grow up. And our relationships change. Sometimes our hearts get broken, and sometimes we find people who stick by us through it all. Some people are only meant to be in our lives a short time, to teach us something about ourselves, and once that lesson is done, they float off — to teach someone else another lesson. Some people stay in our lives for many years, and a few for a lifetime. But they all matter. And they are all blessings.

Right now, you see janitors working at 2am and feel sad that they must do this every day. But I work with many people who would be elated to be working a steady job at 2am, proud that they can bring home a paycheck. It’s honest work. And I appreciate that they take the time to make my school or place of employment clean. And I’m always friendly to them, and say good morning, or good night. I let them know, in small ways, that I see them and I value them. You can do the same.

You hear hateful comments from your peers. And yes, these hurt. But as I’ve gotten older, I also see them as young people who are barely adults in this world who are scared and confused and insecure. And they grasping at straws to make themselves feel safe. And sadly, one of fastest ways to do that is to make other people feel excluded so that they feel included. But to the people who are being called the names, you can let them know that you have their back. That you support them and who they are. You can calmly and lovingly disagree with the name calling. And once older, you will see that your peers are just scared kids. And they are lost in this world. And I have compassion and love for that misguidedness.

I know you are upset that you have to retake a class. But it is also an opportunity to excel at it. I had to retake a math class in high school. Not only did I ace it (the second time around), I ended up being very grateful that I retook the class. If I had continued on to the next level without understanding it, I would have slowly but surely failed at higher levels. With such a strong foundation in that math class that I retook, I sailed through all upper classes. I ended up with a degree in math and physics. You never know if that is in your future as well. Or it could be that failing your class is an opportunity to realize that you are passing up your dreams, and you are on the wrong path. Perhaps it’s time for you to get back on your intended path if this isn’t it.

Not all is lost. Not all is sad. Your experience in life is still narrow though. With time, it will expand, but you might need to help it along. Spending time at places like TinyBuddha is a good place to start.

That makes sense and I get that. I’m not likely to have kids, even thought I do like kids, because I’ve never had that internal drive to have one. I don’t have much advice really, other than I think this is totally normal and that a lot of people struggle with it.

I do think that a lot of people have kids thinking that it will make their life more complete or better, or because it’s what they are supposed to do, but it’s really not that simple. There are plenty of single people, married people without kids, single with kids, and married with kids, who are perfectly unhappy and depressed. The status of single/married and kids/no kids does not make a person more or less happy, though they are all factors that a person can appreciate with the right mindset. I think you can live a very satisfying and full life with kids, and can live a very satisfying and full life without kids. What can be difficult is getting to a mental state where you accept and acknowledge that that both options offer a life that is abundant and rich and full of love. And that either way, you will be just fine.

Can I ask why you are sticking it out this semester? It seems to be still early enough to drop your classes. And I’m not suggesting that you should drop them. More wondering why you aren’t. Are these classes that you’ll get transfer credit for at the new school? Will it look bad on your upcoming application that you dropped this semester? No place else to go? Family would be furious if you dropped out? I think the reason could be the key to making it more bearable. I say this because I dropped out of college for semester because I was miserable. Ended up going back. I still hated it, but at least I understood my reasons for sticking it out and knew that it was temporary. It helped.

So, if you are going to be getting transfer credit or using this semester on your application to the new school, I think that could provide some motivation to do a good job and stay focused. I know how hard it is to stay focused for 4 months when you are completely unhappy. But look at the grand scheme. If you spend 4 years in college, 4 months isn’t so bad. It sucks, but keep the big picture in mind. This is also how I got through studying for LSAT while working full time, and how I got through studying for the bar exam. I just kept reminding myself that 2-3 months isn’t THAT long in the grand scheme of things. And if I really bust my ass now, I’ll never have to do it again.

You also might think about creating a vision board to hang by your desk, or to create on in a journal. With phrases and pictures to motivate you and remind you WHY you are doing all of this. To inspire you. To keep the long term goal in mind.

Also, see if there are non-school activities that you can get involved in. Check out meetup.com. Maybe there is a meditation group? hiking group? book club? club for foodies? It will help you get away from the oppressive atmosphere that you are currently in.

A couple thoughts… First, you are still SO young. And I don’t mean that in a patronizing way or as a way to invalidate how you feel. What I mean, is that you have no idea how much your life will and can change in the next couple years. You still have an enormous amount to learn about yourself. I’m 33, and I could not imagine how much my life has changed between 25 and now, or even 28 and now. Personally, I take comfort in that fact. It means that if I’m not satisfied with something, it will eventually change (and probably sooner rather than later). I don’t know what it might change into, but I can do my best to grow and learn and situate myself to best handle whatever comes next. So, right now, as a single girl in her mid-20s, you are in a PERFECT position to work on self-love and self-compassion, and to work on your passions, or to figure out what some of your passions are, and to PUSH your boundaries. Do stuff that intimidates you (especially non-relationship stuff!).

Second, I totally understand that we ladies get an extra dose of “you should be married/have a boyfriend/ have a date.” I can’t fix that. BUT, what helped me become more okay with being single is the realization and acknowledgement that relationships do NOT make me happy. Yes, there are some great highs and I’ve had some good ones. But, I’ve also been perfectly miserable in relationships and never felt more alone. For me, that is one of the worst feelings in the world. But it also helped me realize that having that boyfriend/fiance/husband does not fix the problem of being alone or unhappy with myself. It actually fixed nothing.

There is also the issue of what to do when you do find yourself in a relationship, which is only a matter of time. No matter how great a relationship starts out, or seems, it is not going to last, even if you are married with kids. I don’t say this to sound bleak, but rather to point out that getting the pretty ring or having a cute boy on your arm to bat your eyes at is not a panacea. And any residual issues that you have being comfortable with yourself are going to crop back up, and it might be brutal when it does. Personally, I’ve learned (well, I’m continuously learning) to embrace the fact that my relationship is not bulletproof. I embrace that it will end one day. I don’t know if that will be tomorrow, or in 6 months, or in 50 years on my deathbed. But it will end. And I want to enjoy it while I have it. I think it makes me appreciate it more. But I also think that I am ABLE to appreciate it more because I know that when it ends, as much as it’s going to hurt, I’m okay on my own. I am enough.