Thank you for your thoughtful response Anita.

“she felt too attached to you for comfort. Her emotional attachment to you, formed quickly, during a visit to your country, distressed her and she was in a rush to end that feeling.”

–> You are right. She told me she hadn’t been in love before. She has only had Friends With Benefits, and she couldn’t do that with me.

I am guessing she got all the cuddling and male attention she needed from her gay friend, and her sexual needs with the occasional one night stand here and there. So she’s probably well and truly over me, and ready for her next chapter in life with her new job back home.

James

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response.

Your first possibility is very plausible – “she did experience intense feelings for you and was concerned about getting too emotionally attached to you”

Your second possibility – “she sensed that you were getting too emotionally attached to her and was concerned that you will harass her as a result of your attachment to her. In her anxiety over you harassing her, she harassed you (texting you repeatedly during your trip) so to make sure you are okay with the ending of the relationship.”  –> this possibility did not cross my mind. She certainly sensed that I became emotionally attached. While I was prepared to end it when she first dropped the hint 1.5 weeks in, she continued to text (in spite of knowing how I felt), which is why I thought I’d carry it on. Neither of us have harassed the other. When I was on a holiday, her texts seemed more like a desperate attempt to urgently end things e.g. “I need to talk to you”, “This will be our last time catching up”.  After our final meeting in person, there has been no harassment by text – in fact, it was pretty much non-contact, except for one day of texting in response to her special news.

James

Hi Anita,

You are correct – they want to migrate to my country to work. And you are right, I won’t need them and they won’t really have direct power over me. I guess i’m having some form of PTSD where I feel like I need a solution in cause I re-experience that traumatic experience where I’m in a situation where I need to depend on bullies to survive and I have no escape. And feeling guilty about cutting off the few good people who are unfortunately, close to the baddies.

How can they hurt me? By spreading negative word about me to others – e.g. don’t trust him, he had no friends at med school, no one likes him, he’s incompetent, etc.

On a side note, when I’m try to meet new people, I am often asked why i go alone or don’t have a group of friends and that this is very unusual for a guy my age. I tell myself that people who judge me for my social worth or on what others say about me are not worth it, but unfortunately, there’s not much I can do when some very beautiful and educated women are turned off by me not having friends.

In my country, the judicial system offers very good protection for bullying and harassment for people who are adults.

Once again, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me through. Thank you.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to consider my case and be so thoughtful in your response. It means a lot to me and I really appreciate that.

My response to some points you’ve raised are:

– “What other, future consequences (as a practicing doctor, otherwise) are you afraid of?”

>> The medical field is cut throat, and group strength means a lot. My fears are that doctors will nitpick me for mistakes I make and badmouth me to others and ruin my credibility. This will affect my career progress. I will do my best to maintain a professional relationship with everyone, enemies and frienemies included, but unfortunately, once bridges are burnt (including non-professional bridges), people have a tendency to take it into the professional realm and can quite possibly continue to tarnish my career.

– 6. “unfortunately, I would let them go as well, have no contact, but let them know, if they were never disrespectful to you directly, that you appreciate it.”

>> I plan to say something like “I really appreciate your company. Like yourself, there are many good people that I’m glad to have met, but I’ve moved on with life and my situation has changed. If we cross paths in the future, we’ll stop by for a chat then. All the best with everything.”

7. “I didn’t understand your question. Can you elaborate- the older woman part?”

>> Basically, I have met great people who are of all ages. I have gone out with (romantically) with women who are 4-5 years older, because we connected emotionally. However, many would consider this unacceptable for someone in their 20s, esp people from non-western cultures. It has previously led to me being questioned on why I’m hanging out with a woman who is older than me, wtf is wrong with me, why can’t I just find a girl my age etc. When multiple people ask me that, it makes me feel down and abnormal, and uncomfortable with the criticisms. It makes me wonder why people can’t just mind their own business and why they feel the need to butt in on my life.

I’ve read through the rest of our advice to the individual specific situations and am trying to take it on board. The question I have is, if you look away and ignore someone for their nonsense questions, and at some point you may need that person (like I did for translation), would that person not crush you as they have done so to me in the past? I guess if the person had no power over you (they aren’t your boss, you don’t need them for translation or group work or whatever), then it’s pretty straight forward to ignore them, but when you need them for something, they basically have power over you, so I find it difficult to ignore such people.

Once again, thanks a lot for your advice.