UPDATE: It has been a little over six months and I can’t explain how much this forum impacted me. I don’t know exactly what it was, but I think I really just needed all of my thoughts to be validated at the time. Even the most irrational fears. After I posted this, I realized there had been an incident with the guy I was talking about that made me feel embarrassed and insecure, and out of panic, I began to believe he would be better off without me. The day after I posted this, I spoke with my mom about the thing that had happened and started to cry. I felt a huge weight fall off my chest and was suddenly just so grateful for where I was in my life. It was the last day of my summer job and I texted the guy during my break, asking if he would like to hang out afterwards. He agreed, and I talked to him about my realization. Long story short, we have been together for the happiest six months I have experienced in a long time. I no longer suffer from derealization like I had for 5 years, and even though I still have bouts of anxiety and depression, I feel so much stronger mentally. I find myself in emotional standstills from time to time but it is nothing like I used to. I wish I could give my incredible partner all of the credit, but the truth is that I just needed to be validated for once. All of my pain and resentment kind of made peace with my present. I no longer hate my parents. I love my life, and sometimes I get sad that it’ll all be over one day. I am still insecure, and still have lots of stress and anxiety, but I am so much better than I had been. Thank you to each one of you for the time you took to reply, and for the empathy you generously offered me. I had completely forgotten I had posted this.

Coconut,

I’m a strong believer in communication and have shared my feelings with him, he was a little hurt because he says he believes this can last a lifetime. I agree, objectively, he has all the qualities that would make for a great partner. But there is something that you said that rings true for me as well. I have a hard time letting go of someone that shows interest in me. My previous relationship, I didn’t see him like that at ALL but I kept telling myself I owed it to the both of us to try it out. And then I got way too attached, and it still confuses me because I feel like it would’ve been best if we had remained friends.

Saying “this guy/time is different” feels like a cop-out. I’m just scared I’ll miss out on something good by pushing this aside. We have slowed down communication and aren’t hanging out as frequently and for a few days I was even starting to miss him but then we communicate again and I’m like “nope, tell him you only wanna speak in person, texting isn’t for you.” I kiss him and ask him personal questions and I think it’s because I want to be sure but also I have no idea what I’m doing I just don’t want to hurt him. He says he wants more than anything for me to be safe and happy and that he has no problem with just being friends. But I know he really likes me now and again, I have no idea about anything…

How did you meet your partner you’re with now? Was it ever confusing for you at first? I just want to be with someone good for me and not question it all of the time. But I guess I really am not ready? that feels so ugly to say for some reason.

Anita,

thank you so much for your response. That is exactly what I feel like. I remember growing up, I would feel an emptiness at my chest right for a few seconds. Never thought much of it until I met the boy when I was 15, as he would always talk about his depression and misery. I remember thinking “you know, actually i feel that too.” And I think more than anything he was the first person who I could relate to. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have been through quite a bit. I was brought to this country at 4 years old, right after my grandmother (and one of my main caregivers) had passed away, and began to live with a father I thought was perfect only to realize he was an angry alcoholic. I would slam doors in his face and tell him I hated him from a very early age. My mom says he only drank once a month but I don’t remember him ever being sober. And I resented my mom a lot because she would get my hopes up when she’d promise we would leave him and three hours later, after I screamed and cried trying to rationalize with him in our “sessions”, I’d hear them laughing in their room. Like nothing ever happened. I know I still resent my mom because I am super mean to her, even though I’ve reconciled with my dad. I love both of them but I had told myself I didn’t want them to be in my life anymore. I don’t think that’s true. Now that I’ve been home for the summer and realized why I spend so much time alone and why I seek out validation from guys, I got two jobs, have been trying to get my license, and even made plans to help improve the house. But my life splits when I go back to college.

I don’t want to keep being resentful towards my parents. I don’t want to be stuck in a victim mentality. All I want is to just be calm and happy. To feel alive, even if real life isn’t fun all the time. I want to get a job when I’m at school and live a happy, simple life. I’m figuring out ways to do so and have begun sleeping earlier, waking up earlier, eating more often, and have even cut down on my possessions. But I get stuck on how to grow emotionally from here. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet? maybe i still need to let loose and forget all of these expectations? act like a college kid? I don’t know how much pushing is healthy. And now that this guy – who isn’t perfect of course (that’s a reminder to myself) – who is really nice, likes me, I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like I wanna put a “danger: in need of repair” sign. I don’t even want to hope that he’ll wait around. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, I just don’t know how to.

edit: okay i kinda know the best thing for me to do is to remove myself from any sort of romantic situation BUT i like spending time with this guy and i don’t want to feel like i’m pushing it away. I think he is worth it I just wish that I could feel again. I feel like I’m going to regret pushing him away because he is a great person from what I know of him and seems very genuine. But it was this kind of thinking that got me into terrible relationships in the first place. I just want to do what’s right but I have no idea what that is. I honestly just want him to be happy too and even though I’d be sad I really don’t expect him to wait for me to “be ready”. I am also having a hard time with believing that anybody is ever “ready” for something and I believe in making a choice but I don’t know if in this case making a choice to be with him is creating the problem. When I’m around him I feel safe and happy, but also sometimes like I’m forcing or pretending because I’m so numb inside. I’m like a shell of a person.