Dear Anita –

Thank you for following through on your promise to respond within 20 hours. That’s impressive! I’m able to deliver on a similar promise to students, but that’s pretty much it.

I need to think about my response. I’m at my haven now and do not get here very often. I did not mention that my wife is buried only 40 minutes away, and that seems to draw me here. I visited her burial site today and wept somewhat vigorously for part of the journey there. This is unusual…I am now typically calm when I go there.

In any event – more tomorrow.

Peace to you and yours.

Omyk

Dear Anita –

Thank you. Yes, my child has communicated emotional withdrawal. I sense my own role shifting gradually and clearly, into someone who provides space as they manage more and more of their own affairs. There were complications before their mother’s death, and the impact it had on my relationship with them was inevitable (in terms of an impact).

One of the issues that has come into play for me is place. My current city of residence is based on employment, but I have no anchor here outside of my religious community. My late spouse and I had chosen and slowly renovated a retirement home in a small, but lovely community in our native region (we were both from the same general area). We spent a few summers there before the pandemic and I have owned the property since 2016. It was very hard to visit the place at first and I put it up for sale twice. There were no buyers on the first round, and I took it off the market after a few hours on the second round. It has become a haven for me – I visit it as often as I can. I have been strategizing ways to make the place my home base once my child begins their university studies – not easy because jobs in my primary field are scarce.

If I could make a choice on the basis of location, it would be this homey haven on the water, even though it’s by no means splashy or posh.

What are your thoughts on the significance of place? A friend of mine says that it would be better to have a small salary and live in the place that feels like home to you than to make more money and live in a community that doesn’t feel like home. One advantage to making the retirement home my main hub is that my brother lives nearby, and he is really the only person I feel close to besides my child. (Sad as that may sound, but i suspect true for many people).

With gratitude for you –

Omyk

Dear Anita –

I am deeply humbled by your response. Your response is filled with wisdom.

You mentioned emotional intensity twice. I think this is spot-on. I am clearly in a liminal space. It is a strange experience and I find it exhausting. I want to leave it and enter a new stage, but feel like I don’t know how to get out. And the exhaustion seems to be caused by my inability to learn how to move from one phase to the next.

It may be hard for me to accept that there aren’t many people who want to engage with someone as intense as me. That was really intuitive. I will reflect on that for a while.

The parenting issue is a constant struggle. I can only say I feel, which may or may not be true. But I feel as if my child rejects me more often than not. I have read a lot about parenting and have learned that it is a struggle for most. I am trying to learn how to refrain from asking too much from my child. The frequent expressions of indifference and outright rejection hurt. Counselors tell me to buck up and grow thick skin. Haven’t learned how to do that yet, either.

I don’t have answers and I don’t expect anyone else to, either.

But I am grateful for your thoughtful and empathetic comments. Thank you.

Omyk

Hi Alessa –

Thank you. You asked about a “fear of being alone” and a “fear of missing out on being with a partner?” The honest answer to both questions is yes. (Denial is not helpful :)). My child will be on their way out to college in two years, so I feel a change coming. I became quite introspective over the last few weeks. I remember that I cannot control the events of the past, but I do have some say on the present – I really am the only governor of my life. I have struggled to find a space, or maybe a way of life that feels right. I hope it is just a matter of time and trial and error.

About the 25 years….losing multiple people to sudden unexpected death reminds me that I have no idea if I have 25 years. 🙂 I feel an internal clock clicking, and that seems to be the source of my sense of missing out.

Thanks again for reaching out and engaging me on this topic.

Omyk

I just wanted to say thanks for sending me this. I wept when I read it. Thank you, from my heart.

Dear Roberta-

I’m sorry about the passing of your childrens’ fathers. Your messages are inspiring.

I am finding that if I take some time to allow myself to endure episodes of loneliness – they usually last one day – I remain content with my life as it is, the single parent of a teen. This seems to be working out well for me, and has contributed to the reduction of stress and anxiety. I hope to be able to report that all is well at some point down the road, after a little more time has elapsed.

Wishing you and everyone else here well –

omyk

Dear Anita,

Yes, there is much to unpack here. Thank you for compiling this information. I have a few thoughts.

First, one cannot deny human nature. Sexual desire and connection is normal, it can be good, and (I would say) it can even be sacred.

For the few who seem to embrace celibacy without difficulty, hopefully they find healthy ways to give and receive love.

I am looking at later life celibacy as a potential choice, and certainly not an easy one. I agree with O’Brien, who says it is difficult. Difficult is not impossible. I’m not sure if I will ultimately choose celibacy, but if I do, I will try to adopt the mindset that I had a good marriage, it is a worthwhile sacrifice to do something else good, and I can find healthy ways to give and receive love. And maybe it is just as much a “soulset” as it is a mindset. I’m meditating and praying on it now, and it’s definitely difficult. But I think it might be possible. Or at least I hope it is.

I think the important thing is to avoid denying that one has urges. I don’t want to deny my humanity. I also don’t want to lie to myself. Dostoevksy says that lying to yourself eventually leads one to cease loving.

With gratitude –

omyk

Dear Anita and Helcat,

Thank you for responding. I appreciate it. I appreciate your words, too.

Acknowledging that no two of us are the same, I have learned that sex signifies something much deeper to me. Regardless of how it sounds to someone else, for me, at this point in my life, I want to reserve it for deep love shared in a committed relationship. I understand that it’s something else for others, and I respect everyone else’s freedom to view and practice it how they wish.

A huge part of my upbringing was constantly obtaining approval of elders. I try to be conscious about avoiding acting in an overbearing way with my own child. But I sense that I have been shape to act in ways that others approve of – even if they’re not hear to signal their approval! So, I’m working on that right now. It is really hard work to unlearn and then learn a new way of thinking!

Thanks again, and all the best –

omyk