i think im coming across that i have nothing good in my life, a negative, draining and depressed person.  im actually a person who can find contentment in small things like pottering around the house, being in the garden, looking after my two cats but yes if i had a magic wand i would have more than this, confidence, money, friends, partner and my daughter as i know if i had more confidence and money we would be in a better place. it has caused her alot of disappointment where i have not been able to go on holiday just the two of us as im too afraid so my parents have kindly taken us both on two holidays and paid for it even though it caused alot of distress for me being around them especially the last holiday. i have let my daughter down in many ways and she is struggling because of my mistakes, i owe it to her to be here as every child needs a parent.

if you knew all the hideous stuff i have done to others, you wouldnt be this caring. i know i have a heart and i want to see all people getting on well in life with minimal suffering but my behaviour has hurt people, i know i have been hurt but i now feel like im just so unlikeable that people dont want to be with me. i ma loner, always have been and looks like i will be in my future.

i hope the last post is noticed as it hasnt been updated on this feed

im glad you found the strength to end your relationship with her as it is obvious that doing so has been the right decision for you where you now feel like a worthy and significant person which you are. i hope to be where you are one day with the belief in myself that i can make it on my own without my mum and dad and become a confident person. it is making so much more sense to me. it helps to know what im aiming for even if im not there yet. im gonna try (which ive been doing already) to live my life as if they wearnt offering any help at all to build up my confidence.

‘the truth will set you free’ i like it and i shall remind myself of this. when i am very stressed i say ‘this too shall pass’ when time seems to stand still.

in my last post i asked if i was wrong for asking my sister about looking after my cat, do you think i was wrong? because i trust you can you honestly say if you would rather i stopped writing to you? i have this paranoia that people secretly dont like me and feel burdened when they are in contact with me. i value your time and kind words and your the only person at the moment who is encouraging me to think about my own needs.

yesterday was the final straw for me. my sister putting me down calling me a weirdo because i didnt want to talk to her and my mum almost smiling as she said this, when i stick up for myself im the bad guy. im always having to fight my own corner against my family and im sick of it. my dad is also two-faced. we worked together yesterday and a customer was quite rude to him about the work that had been done (she was quite within her rights though as my dad is not as good as he used to be so he cuts corners where he can) i didnt like the way she spoke to him and because my dad normally never will say what he really thinks of people that annoy him he said nothing, (the lady was quite patronising) i interrupted and commented about how she spoke to him. she responded to humiliate me in front of my dad and he said nothing. im so angry for feeling sorry for him and standing up for him. later on that day when we had a chance to speak about it, he done what he normally does, appears to be caring and on my side and then said do you think you could have handled her as she is so qualified? what an invalidation. when he relayed what happened to my mum later at hospital, my intention was just to explain it the way i understood it and how it had already been discussed with my dad, he showed a different side to him in front of my mum, again making me feel himiliated, potraying that i didnt handle the customers comment well. it doesnt sound like alot but to work with my dad takes huge effort on my part and i dont like how i end up behaving. i become aggressive and i end up embarrassing myself which triggers all my shame.

i could go on and on about my family but it doesnt really matter because i dont want them in my life anymore. i want to do it gradually instead of abruptly to make it easier.

you have really helped me anita to have the courage to see this for what it is and even with potentially losing my niece and nephew. i have thought about it and they already look down on me anyway and so does my daughter because as much as i dont want to sound like a victim all my family have put me down or abused me. i have tried to protect them in my own way to help them feel less unhappy but i realise now my efforts have been a waste of time so they already will carry on with the family tradition. my sister is a very toxic person and i worry about the harm she might cause as she has already said she is gonna get involved with my daughter currently living with her dad because she thinks im not doing enough (very hypocritical of her as her husband takes drugs in the family home and has a horrible temper)

i have been really honest with myself and have decided that i dont have to feel guilty for not wanting them in my life anymore when all they do is hurt me. im just trying to be myself. being around them knocks my confidence and i end up feeling bad about myself, this will not help. i realise this more than ever now. i now have to learn how to change these habits of mine especially when i am lonely or need financial support from them. i dont want to depend on them for anything but im scared of not having money and not having anyone if their was a crisis that could happen, being alone and afraid.

ive beem thinking more about what you said about how to continue to spend time with them just reinforces the need to want to be loved by them. i thought i was ok with it but its not that simple is it.. today my mum was in hospital and i witnessed her feeling happier about being there, getting so much attention from doctors and nurses and of course myself, sister and my dad. i really did see her as a helpless child today and still manipulating the conversation under these horrible circumstances. im a believer in our mental and emotional reressed thpughts and feelings manifest physically if its given the attention and care it deserves. i wish my mum felt the desire to want to make better life style choices because she has a family but my mum always puts others on pedestals and speaks highly of how kind and caring other people are and how she prefers them. my dad is quite similar in this respect. on the way over to the hospital i was alone with my sister in the car and once again she started putting me down and bullying me. ive decided i know longer want her or my mum in my life after today. im still holding out for my dad even though deep down i know he doesnt really care too much about me either. it will be hard doing this though as she has promised a day trip with my daughter where my neice and nephew will be going too (she doesnt get to see enough of them as it is due to my brother in law and my sister) cutting off my sister means never seeing my neice and nephew again well not intil their older as i know she will use them as a weapon against me, i feel really angry towards her at the moment and in a way it feels good because ive made up my mind, i just dont want to lose my neice and nephew as their still very young and she will probably turn them against me and of course my daughter losing them too. is this the price i will have to pay to respect myself and think of my own wellbeing?

Yes that fits for me. My family are very different from how I want them to be which conflicts with my belief is not having much worth. My mind  says ‘who do you think you are, your not important enough to have standards of what you will accept and not accept’  ‘your so deluded when you think your ok as you are because no one likes you, deep down you know this is true, where are all the people in your life, there isn’t anyone because nobody cares about you, they just feel sorry for you and occasionally use you for something or dump there stuff on you because they know your desperate for any kind of attention and so unsure of yourself that they can dump there crap on you so they can feel better’

I know the hard truth is despite my need for connection and belonging I must go without and gradually spend less time with them and hopefully meet other people that genuinley like me. I know you usually advise people to cut ties permanently with the family members that have done the original damage in order to heal but do you think seeing them on a rare basis could still help me heal?

sorry ive taken a while to reply. ive wanted too sooner but i have had alot to deal with. its strange though that even though i feel i have alot on my plate, i say it loud to another person and its no big deal and i question myself, whats wrong with me? why cant i just go faster? why am i so slow even though i dont think i am. i am in conflict in my head triggered by other peoples responses.

Margarita

Thankyou for being  so open about your own personal struggles and taking the time to respond. when you feel really alone it means alot. it sounds like you have experienced so much pain and im sorry that you have. it sounds like you have learned alot from being a single parent whilst having anxiety and depression. I would like to hear what helped get you through if you still want to.

i dont have it in me to say them words to my mum. its not about willingness as i could give many examples of times where i have tried to make amends or have taken responsibility when i shouldnt have and apologising first so i could feel ok and feel less guilty and of course not feel abandoned. just recently i have saw my mother in a way where i dont feel like i want to give very much to her at all now. if i was to say, again, it might seem like i should just get over it and stop being so sensitive but in my heart i know that i have to honour my feelings.

whenever i am trying to be firm and boundaried with my daughter, she tries many ways to test me and she knows exactly when to do it too, normally when she knows im tired, in a hurry or feeling a bit down. over the last few days she has got physical with me, barged into me deliberately, threw my new phone, threw shoes, slammed doors really hard, wanting to argue and talking over me alot. she said she has no respect for me. her moods change daily when i have been seeing her. upto now whenever we have not been getting on, i send a text or call to make sure she is ok to reassure her that i still love her. tonight i text her to say i think its best at the moment she doesnt come to the house because of her behaviour but she can ring me whenever she wants. im scared this is a mistake but surely she needs to learn there are consequences to her actions. i guess you could call this ‘tough love’ i cant help but feel i have let her down.

Anita

thankyou for your response.

The milk example i gave is a way i feel loved by someone where they are considerate, i dont think its asking too much. when i have asked my mum about but she just gets defensive, loud and tries to humiliate me by making it seem like im being too sensitive. it happened recently. when i mentioned before about how my mum and dad turned up when my daughter did where she was putting me down for not working full time and being on benefits, my mum was being supportive by saying that i am never alone and i can rely on my parents for help.i asked my mum for help since and she has begrudgingly helped with my cats. without going into too much detail, it was quite stressful in the car bringing the cats over. she realised she had upset me, instead of me reacting like i have done sometimes  when i have felt emotional, i didnt say anything and she broke the silence. she tried to act like everything was ok between us, i didnt go along with it and then she said ‘are you gonna sulk now’. again i just didnt bite as i needed her help. i guess you could say i was faking it but i was just trying to keep myself calm and in control as i was worried about my cats. i always wonder if my mums behaviour is deliberate or not as its very subtle what she does. i could go on and on with examples but it would be quite dull to read.

i realise now how much my daughter is manipulative. im really worried for her. i want her to have a good future and be a kind and caring person. even when we lived together she was putting me down about not working enough, she has done it for a while and not just about work. about the car i drove, our home not being modern or big enough. i beleive this is stemmed from her dad saying this to her over the years  as well as her cousins where my sister  & brother in law have had an attitude of me and house not being good enough.

you are right about her dad not thinking well of me anyway so why should i care about what she tells him. perhaps its naive of me but the last few weeks he has been civil with his emails (this is the only way we communicate) and im trying to make peace so hopefully my daughter will stop manipulating us both and he wont put me down in front of her.

when they made fun of me it really hurt and this is a big wound. im starting to feel a bit better in my own skin as im literally not afraid so much to show it as i want to feel good like everyone else and there not perfect. being self conscious has affected my confidence, my work performance and intimate relationships since i was very young.

maybe my  dad was venting to me but if felt like he needed some guidance. my dad has never been consistent with what he has said, my mum is the same. my family keep secrets from each other, many conversations end with ‘dont tell __

yes your right i am projecting my parents onto you. their not honest people and  i dont trust them.

thanks for your reply.

I feel like you would rather not respond as you havent mentioned other things i have wrote. i am scared that i am being ridiculous for my reasons to be upset, this is why i need a different perspective with the examples i gave? do you think im being trivial? do you think it sounds like im being a spoilt brat?

its confusing for me because today both parents have been quite supportive about my daughter as she has once again hurt me. she arrived before i was due to pick her up. it was great initially , we were both happy to see each other, she share with me issues at school, i empathised.  when she asked about a play station that i said i would get her (we both agreed that when i buy this she will move back home) i apologised for not getting it when i said i would because they have stopped my child benefit now she no longer lives with me, this opened up her view on how i live my life. she was putting me down about not working full time and being on benefits. i said to her im happy to hear her views and her opinions but she does not get to disrespect me and said she will have to put her phone away as that is the house rule (this is a big factor as to why i asked her to leave) she did not want to and i said well you will have to go back to your dads then. my mum and dad turned as this was happening unexpectedly and they were a bit involved as it seemed that she wanted their input. i kept trying to say lets put this behind us and start again as i really want to see you this weekend and we can do something nice together. she said ill see you sunday and i said i will see how i will feel. i didnt like it when she text her dad asking to pick her up and said’ill just say to my dad you threw me out’ i didnt rise to the bait but i have sent an email. the school have been in touch and apparently there was an incident at school so i will speak to them monday. she mentioned it but she made it seem like it was no big deal, she said she was just being silly. she is worried about her friend going on holiday as she will pretty much be feeling or possibly being alone at school and her best friend is moving away to a different school so i know she is going through alot of emotional turmoil.

I was working with my dad today (occasionally i work with him) and in a very indirect way he was expressing how he is not wanting to be married to my mum anymore and i found myself encouraging him to separate as i want my parents to be happy. i have done the same with my mum before. my dad said among other things, ‘if it wasnt for the kids i would probably be gone’ i am always put in the position to give advice alot in my family and to my sister but its strange because i feel valued but then im not able to be myself. now i feel guilty for the feelings i have held against my mum today and she was kind by giving me a gift and being there (dad too) when my daughter was leaving.

can you be really honest with me? im not saying you havent been so far but i feel your holding back?

no contact with parents? when there being kind and caring, i cant imaging putting distance between us but other times like i have shared i want more than anything to do that because im hurt. regardless if they stay in my life or not i want to not have to rely on them for anything and have my own family.