BTW: My shame is about mental health problems that I felt I had never asked for and felt it was incredibly unfair that despite all my better intentions I was still prone to feeling unhappy or anxious and that I didn’t deserve to have those problems (I felt that it made me de facto unacceptable to have mental health problems and that I would be looked down on for having them, rather than being a ‘normal’, ‘not damaged’ person). If you’re telling yourself all this bollocks, you’re really just punishing yourself for no reason. It is true that no one is normal. I make it my mission nowadays to notice all of the ways that everybody else in the world is insecure, has occasionally distorted thinking, gets unnecessarily emotional or overreacts (I am yet to meet anyone who this is not true for now and again and I have also realised I do not do it more often than they do – i.e. I am totally normal. The only time I behave in ways that is less ‘of the norm’ is when I am stuck in a pattern of screaming at myself for not being normal).

You may be of a mixed gender identification, but have you considered how common this is? You are not alone, there are many people like you, and anyway, is that ALL of your identity? Is ALL of your identity connected to whether you like trousers or skirts and whether that changes? Or do you like tennis and rock music? And do you like watching soaps, or perhaps you prefer thrillers? There is more to you than one little thing and people see you as a whole person not as one trait (and they may not judge that trait the way you expect them to).

I would add having read some of this…don’t become more independent to impress him…do it because you want to enjoy the time he is away rather than making yourself miserable. If you start thinking ‘he will like it better if I am as independent of this union as he is’ then you are simply confirming to yourself that it is extremely important that he likes you. It is not extremely important that he likes you, it is extremely that you like yourself (which is easier said than done sometimes if you find it difficult to see your positives).

I like Ruminant’s thoughts about thinking of how everything happens within your own body. You are not currently dependent on ‘him’ – the actually physical person – for your happiness, you are currently dependent on ‘thinking of him liking you’ for your happiness. Question why that is: do you struggle to like yourself? Do you wish for approval and acceptance? I would suggest that every time thoughts of him come into your mind, remind yourself that you are looking for approval and that you are feeling badly about yourself – bring it back in your mind to the actual cause of the unhappiness. This reduces anxiety and gives you something a little more concrete to work with. Recognise that you have the power to feel better about yourself and that doing so comes from self-compassion and believing in your own power and agency to soothe yourself.

You know what fixes every ail? Change every ‘should’ for ‘prefer’. I have had those moments where even though I felt I was giving because it is who I was and I did not expect recriprocity, I would suddenly feel enraged and start thinking ‘why does nobody treat me the way I treat others?!’

The reason is: we all choose our behaviour. I have chosen to be giving and I do gain joy from it. Other people have the right to choose not be giving. You have the right to choose whether you continue to associate with them. If you do not enjoy your relationship with them, you have the right to no longer be in relationship with them. But everybody has the right to choose whether they are kind or cruel or compassionate or discompassionate – and you have that choice too. Live by your own value and expect others to live by theirs. There is not a right or wrong way to be, this is merely a difference of opinion. What I consider to be ‘morally right’, others might consider to be overkill, but I shall stick to what I believe and allow others to live as they wish too.

I worry about other people’s feelings too much as well, although I would say this one thing – do yourself a favour and don’t call yourself ‘a codependent’. You are not a codependent, you are a human being, and calling yourself by a pathological term that is generally seen as a negative attribute will not help you with your guilt, it will just add to it with shame. I don’t believe in codependency, or love addiction, or love avoidants, or whatever personally. I believe in normal people struggling with the individual obstacles and traumas they have come across at this particular time. We all have our own ways of coping, but I believe that almost every single one of us always does our very best.

Feel free to ignore that, just my view, perhaps the labeling feels better to you.

As for what to do about your situation. You are obviously a kind man and able to see that your ex boyfriend is a man in tremendous pain, with poor coping skills. You don’t need to change your opinion of him or think about what hurt he has caused (unless you particularly want to) to get over this. You have the valuable skill of seeing other people in shades of grey and having compassion for their suffering. So go you.

As for looking after yourself, what I try to remember is that there is nothing I would be able to do. There is nothing I could do to take the pain away from them without inadvertently making it worse and the only way I can help them is by not helping. Then I remind myself that human beings are resilient and they are not as vulnerable as I expect them to be.

I think you are right that your ex’s behaviour is emotionally manipulative, whether he knows that is another issue. I know for myself that I once blurted out during a break up that I didn’t think I would ever be happy again, for instance (it seemed this way to me because I had suffered chronic mental health problems for many years and had few memories of feeling good), but I know I didn’t mean that in a manipulative way, it just seemed to me to be a fact at the time. It may be the case that your ex is saying the things that seem to him to be the genuine truth, but we can all get caught up in things and be clouded by our own dreads and fears. We all get out of it too.

Have faith in your ex’s ability to survive. He survived before you and he can get himself through this too. Also have faith there are other people around him to provide support and that your main duty now is to yourself, to help you feel less guilt over this because you haven’t – and I hope you know this – done anything wrong. You have rather done the best thing for both of you.