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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • in reply to: the ā€˜all is lostā€™ moment #270437
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    In that regard then it feels like the piling troubles and shitstorm of grief that Iā€™m in doesnā€™t feel like itā€™ll end any time soon. Essentially youā€™re talking about letting a bad day pass and then weighing the good days even heavier because the bad day is over. Like how people say you have to experience pain to get true joy. But the thing I canā€™t get anyone to understand is what do you do when you feel like youā€™ve just been on a slope, and thereā€™s not many highs to even speak of? I mean I was so optimistic when Iā€™d graduated in June, but like two weeks after that doctors said my mom was getting worse. Then I thought sheā€™d get better going to the specialty clinic in August so all summer was alright. Quit my job, had a vacation, that was cool, then we find out nothing can help her. Then from September to October I was applying, still hopeful, but then came an avalanche of job rejections so then I was broke. Then I got my job back in late October which was cool, I get some money even though I donā€™t want to work there, and she died not even a week after I went back. I keep reading these things about being grateful for small things, but I feel like the only thing I have to be grateful for is being alive and even that sucks. It just feels like thereā€™s no light at the end of the tunnel, thereā€™s no way out of this shitstorm, and how much things go up thereā€™ll be more disappointments immediately around the corner. It just isnā€™t balanced. I know no ones life is great but for most for every bad event thereā€™s an equal number of good. I feel like for me itā€™s highly disproportionate

    And doesnā€™t that make me a shitty person if I donā€™t talk with my friends? Like Iā€™m blaming them because my life sucks ass? I like them a lot but itā€™s just a constant reminder of exactly how much shit is going on. Plus in a way Iā€™m tired of always being the sad friend. Like catching up is always ā€œIā€™m dating a new guy and got a promotion what about you?ā€ My response is mostly ā€œsame as always and Iā€™m not dead.ā€ Ā  I really am trying it just always seems like itā€™s for nothing, and trying to explain that to people who just float through life and stumble upon good news is damn near impossibleĀ 

    in reply to: the ā€˜all is lostā€™ moment #269695
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    Participant

    I was referring to when youā€™d said that they were just talking about the happy parts instead of about the reality. Yeah everyone gushes about the good but my friends have known each other since middle school so if itā€™s bad enough theyā€™ll talk about it. But that means you can assume that itā€™s fine. No one likes paying bills but when you can afford them that means you have a good job. Relationships could get bad if you have to tell the person to do the same things over and over again, but that also means you have someone to make good times with just as well. Iā€™m just saying that nothing is roses all the time but itā€™s better than nothing but mad luck and sadness

    I think itā€™s a little bit of both. To most people it probably is just normal typical complaining. Like I complain about still not being able to get hired in my field, not being able to move out of my parents house, being single and hardly being able to date, my job now and how itā€™s not what I want to be doing, not having privacy for staying in my family living room…just a lot of weird stuff. And the only reason I keep trying to make things not a big deal is because of the amount of people who preach always being positive and all that, but at the same time these situations all impede on something else Iā€™m trying to do with my life so it drives me nuts, rather than just being boring or just life stuff Ā 

    in reply to: the ā€˜all is lostā€™ moment #269555
    N
    Participant

    I know it takes work and I know no one is truly ecstatic about the mundane, but most people would rather boring and mundane as opposed to sad or negative things. And theyā€™ll talk about the things they go through too, like whenever they have disagreements or their job is pissing them off or something, but having more good days or boring days is better than nothing, and thereā€™s disagreements but theyā€™re workoutable and thatā€™s better than having someone beat you or threaten to leave you. Having someone you can talk to about anything and even if they donā€™t agree you can go back and forth about opinions until they get to a point where everything makes sense. Nothing is ever 100% amazing and thatā€™s not what Iā€™m looking for. Just that even on the worst of days thereā€™s a balance of the good

    I think too that everything Iā€™ve been feeling has been negative for so long Iā€™m starting to annoy myself. So Iā€™m okay to let them get annoyed at me for what Iā€™m saying and thinking. I donā€™t want to be this negative and I donā€™t want to feel this down. I hate that Iā€™ve taken everything thatā€™s happening and Iā€™m probably just blowing it out of proportion but I just want my own good luck. I want to feel like Iā€™m moving forward and the work I put in is paying off, or something. And even if I turn out to be one of those people who donā€™t end up with that much luck, I just donā€™t want any more bad luck. Iā€™d rather nothing at all than disappointments and heart breakingĀ 

    Thatā€™s what I was hoping for, and I did know that trying to be open and candid was going to be really difficult. But I feel like if I do that from jump street it would make that obvious early on whether or not they would listen and try to understand and make it easier to keep doing it. And itā€™s always been pretty wary for me to do so hopefully it would be moderately smooth from there. Itā€™s just getting there, and trying to feel like itā€™s even possible to meet that personĀ 

    in reply to: the ā€˜all is lostā€™ moment #269343
    N
    Participant

    I think I have too. Which is why Iā€™m taking this all so hard in the first place. I mean I might be taking a lot of setbacks personally, but there have been a lot, and now this heartache. Itā€™s like a downhill spiral and this is the pit. But I do have a therapist, and sheā€™s been helpful trying to get me to say everything in my headĀ 

    I know keeping to myself isnā€™t the best but it feels like Iā€™m running out of people who could understand. And I know my friends are happy because thatā€™s what they seem to focus on the most. Like me and three of my friends went on vacation in August and it was all new jobs and wedding pinterest boards and gushing about boyfriends and new apartments and houses and stuff. And I just donā€™t feel like I relate that much to my friends. Theyā€™ve tried to reach out and I applaud them for trying to be nice, especially since a couple of them have lost a parent too, they know what Iā€™m dealing with. But I donā€™t think they know what itā€™s like to be all the way in my situation, and I honestly canā€™t expect anyone to understand because they havenā€™t dealt with all of these things, and if they have, not at the same time. Iā€™m better at answering questions because even I donā€™t know how to put how Iā€™m feeling into words, but I can try to any time to vent. Because at the very least I think an unbiased opinion helps

    1. Intimacy in all meanings of the word. Emotionally, physically, all of that. I was in relationships in title, meaning the ones Iā€™ve had they called me their girlfriend but they didnā€™t care much about how I felt to really listen and understand where Iā€™m coming from with problems. And because if that during that time, a long time ago now, I thought more about how to defend what I thought Instead of their rebuttals to what I thought. I do the same with friends. Because I donā€™t want to be a buzzkill I donā€™t really rely on them when Iā€™m feeling down, just when Iā€™m neutral or feeling okay. But by that same token that means my family gets the brunt of the downside and i know they get kind of annoyed with it so I get it out in spurts and then try to stay cool and collected most of the time. I think thatā€™s what the problem with my being single actually is. All the extra stuff is just the extra stuff. But over time Iā€™ve learned how to take people how they are at any moment, but over time Iā€™ve gotten afraid to let other people expect the same from me
    2. I donā€™t know. That just seems to be the response I get from other people when Iā€™m specifically talking about romantic relationships. Whenever they ask me how dating is going theyā€™ve gotten to a point where they think that Iā€™m too picky. And admittedly I do turn down guys pretty quickly and I am really picky with my type, but itā€™s because I waited this long. I for damn sure am not going to waste any time on someone I absolutely know wouldnā€™t work out. Iā€™m playing for keeps
    in reply to: the ā€˜all is lostā€™ moment #269247
    N
    Participant

    Yeah thereā€™s that. But not that dad sort of knows what Iā€™m talking about now in terms of not feeling like you can change anything and all you can do is talk about it. But Iā€™m talking more broad picture instead of being unheard. I know people telling me to be hopeful actually isnā€™t a good thing and not helpful, but itā€™s not helpful because I donā€™t know how to be hopeful about anything. I want to think tang after getting so low it canā€™t possibly get any worse, but having had to deal with all this stuff and things ending up getting worse in general, why would I think it would end up any different, and then that makes me feel like a crap person because in the meantime all my friends are happy and in love and working hard and living their lives, and I donā€™t want to talk to them. I feel like if I was such a good friend I should be able to deal when they get excited about something, but all I can think is Iā€™m tired of there only being just enough good luck for everyone but me. I donā€™t want to have to celebrate things with them because I donā€™t feel celebratory, just like I donā€™t want to bum them out with my misery because they shouldnā€™t have to feel miserable

    in reply to: dearest friends #173299
    N
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your answer and making me feel like Iā€™m not being crazy. I guess itā€™s bothering me cause weā€™ve been friends more than ten years. I figured we be closer than that. And I can give on being busy, I totally get that. But thatā€™s what cell phones are for. I mean Iā€™m overly sensitive as it is anyway, but itā€™s still just a little painful and annoying to see

     

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    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #172153
    N
    Participant

    I see, and I agree with that. Then I guess it really is looking into. I’ll look into it and see what I can find out. Thank you!

    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #172107
    N
    Participant

    That’s fair. I always thought the two were mutually exclusive. Like I could like the fact that I’m where I am but still want for company and be sad and concerned about other goals that aren’t being met. I’ve been told this before that I should talk to an actual therapist, but as my folks don’t believe in them (my dad isn’t necessarily on the side of ‘psychobabble’) and the access to one is a bit difficult because I still live at home trying to pay for school has always made it hard to follow through.

    By the way, I really appreciate you listening and talking with me. It’s really helpful

    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #172095
    N
    Participant

    Hmm… itā€™s possible

    Iā€™ve told my dad about my mom before and that I feel like she doesnā€™t really listen to me. But neither of us really know why that is or how to fix it. Sheā€™s gotten to be a bit more overbearing but in the sense that she doesnā€™t so much talk to us but rather just tells us what to do. Sheā€™s interrupted and changed the subject but part of me thinks sheā€™s not being malicious, she just wonā€™t focus on what sheā€™s thinking about. And I try not to think of it too much because even my dads started to be like that. Heā€™ll definitely listen but instead of recognizing thereā€™s something that upsets me they just wonder ā€˜why focus on it when thereā€™s so much else you can be thankful for?ā€™ Itā€™s helped a little bit but itā€™s just not that easy

    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #171935
    N
    Participant

    My dad and I are great. Heā€™s always told me I could tell him anything. Thereā€™s still some worries I donā€™t talk about just because I donā€™t want him to think about it (like worries over him and my moms health) but otherwise I love talking to him. My moms okay to talk to but sheā€™s always taken the ā€˜just donā€™t worry about it/just be happy/stop being sadā€™ approach. So even though I can talk to her about what Iā€™m thinking itā€™s usually pretty short. My mom and I are a whole other can of worms

    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #171771
    N
    Participant

    About my parents, they got married when they were 25, on a whim even. They married after some months of knowing each other and theyā€™re still together. They disagree on things of course but I think they just like each other. My dad used to tell me it wasnā€™t the fact he loved her that made him marry her so fast, but the fact that he just liked her. They were friends and they knew of all the things in the world that could be against them so to speak, they knew theyā€™d always be for each other. Well they had kids in their 30s, now theyā€™re on the downhill to 60, and on top of that my mom has had cancer for about three years now. So in addition to just wanting someone I could be with, I also want a family of my own and for my parents have enough time to be part of it. Which just adds even more stress

    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #171769
    N
    Participant

    Iā€™ll try and explain as well as I can. I have a tendency to stay in my own head when something upsets me or stresses me out. Itā€™s been years but there was a time where my friends sort of blew off how I was feeling, so Iā€™ve been keeping to myself a lot. Iā€™m vastly more sensitive than my friends know. I try to keep open to one of them but that fear of being annoying still stands, and now that she has a boyfriend Iā€™d rather not say anything since thatā€™s one of my laments, so I havenā€™t spoken to her and probably wonā€™t unless she needs me or wants to talk to me. Either way I just recently try to handle things on my own and just keep to myself about what Iā€™m thinking

    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #171733
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    Participant

    Plus Iā€™ve become a bit disenchanted with people. My standards are too high or something. My friend gushed about her first date to me and Iā€™ve never done that. Last time I did was probably high school. So I donā€™t know if i could even regain that excitement beyond ā€˜ah, theyā€™re okay.ā€™

    in reply to: feeling lonely and alone #171729
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    Participant

    Iā€™ve never been in an honest relationship before. So Iā€™m not used to being completely open to anyone or reliant on anyone, which some have told me makes me seem standoffish, insincere and cynical. Plus intimacy is something Iā€™ve never had to deal with, even in terms of just personal space

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)