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NParticipant
In that regard then it feels like the piling troubles and shitstorm of grief that Iām in doesnāt feel like itāll end any time soon. Essentially youāre talking about letting a bad day pass and then weighing the good days even heavier because the bad day is over. Like how people say you have to experience pain to get true joy. But the thing I canāt get anyone to understand is what do you do when you feel like youāve just been on a slope, and thereās not many highs to even speak of? I mean I was so optimistic when Iād graduated in June, but like two weeks after that doctors said my mom was getting worse. Then I thought sheād get better going to the specialty clinic in August so all summer was alright. Quit my job, had a vacation, that was cool, then we find out nothing can help her. Then from September to October I was applying, still hopeful, but then came an avalanche of job rejections so then I was broke. Then I got my job back in late October which was cool, I get some money even though I donāt want to work there, and she died not even a week after I went back. I keep reading these things about being grateful for small things, but I feel like the only thing I have to be grateful for is being alive and even that sucks. It just feels like thereās no light at the end of the tunnel, thereās no way out of this shitstorm, and how much things go up thereāll be more disappointments immediately around the corner. It just isnāt balanced. I know no ones life is great but for most for every bad event thereās an equal number of good. I feel like for me itās highly disproportionate
And doesnāt that make me a shitty person if I donāt talk with my friends? Like Iām blaming them because my life sucks ass? I like them a lot but itās just a constant reminder of exactly how much shit is going on. Plus in a way Iām tired of always being the sad friend. Like catching up is always āIām dating a new guy and got a promotion what about you?ā My response is mostly āsame as always and Iām not dead.ā Ā I really am trying it just always seems like itās for nothing, and trying to explain that to people who just float through life and stumble upon good news is damn near impossibleĀ
NParticipantI was referring to when youād said that they were just talking about the happy parts instead of about the reality. Yeah everyone gushes about the good but my friends have known each other since middle school so if itās bad enough theyāll talk about it. But that means you can assume that itās fine. No one likes paying bills but when you can afford them that means you have a good job. Relationships could get bad if you have to tell the person to do the same things over and over again, but that also means you have someone to make good times with just as well. Iām just saying that nothing is roses all the time but itās better than nothing but mad luck and sadness
I think itās a little bit of both. To most people it probably is just normal typical complaining. Like I complain about still not being able to get hired in my field, not being able to move out of my parents house, being single and hardly being able to date, my job now and how itās not what I want to be doing, not having privacy for staying in my family living room…just a lot of weird stuff. And the only reason I keep trying to make things not a big deal is because of the amount of people who preach always being positive and all that, but at the same time these situations all impede on something else Iām trying to do with my life so it drives me nuts, rather than just being boring or just life stuff Ā
NParticipantI know it takes work and I know no one is truly ecstatic about the mundane, but most people would rather boring and mundane as opposed to sad or negative things. And theyāll talk about the things they go through too, like whenever they have disagreements or their job is pissing them off or something, but having more good days or boring days is better than nothing, and thereās disagreements but theyāre workoutable and thatās better than having someone beat you or threaten to leave you. Having someone you can talk to about anything and even if they donāt agree you can go back and forth about opinions until they get to a point where everything makes sense. Nothing is ever 100% amazing and thatās not what Iām looking for. Just that even on the worst of days thereās a balance of the good
I think too that everything Iāve been feeling has been negative for so long Iām starting to annoy myself. So Iām okay to let them get annoyed at me for what Iām saying and thinking. I donāt want to be this negative and I donāt want to feel this down. I hate that Iāve taken everything thatās happening and Iām probably just blowing it out of proportion but I just want my own good luck. I want to feel like Iām moving forward and the work I put in is paying off, or something. And even if I turn out to be one of those people who donāt end up with that much luck, I just donāt want any more bad luck. Iād rather nothing at all than disappointments and heart breakingĀ
Thatās what I was hoping for, and I did know that trying to be open and candid was going to be really difficult. But I feel like if I do that from jump street it would make that obvious early on whether or not they would listen and try to understand and make it easier to keep doing it. And itās always been pretty wary for me to do so hopefully it would be moderately smooth from there. Itās just getting there, and trying to feel like itās even possible to meet that personĀ
NParticipantI think I have too. Which is why Iām taking this all so hard in the first place. I mean I might be taking a lot of setbacks personally, but there have been a lot, and now this heartache. Itās like a downhill spiral and this is the pit. But I do have a therapist, and sheās been helpful trying to get me to say everything in my headĀ
I know keeping to myself isnāt the best but it feels like Iām running out of people who could understand. And I know my friends are happy because thatās what they seem to focus on the most. Like me and three of my friends went on vacation in August and it was all new jobs and wedding pinterest boards and gushing about boyfriends and new apartments and houses and stuff. And I just donāt feel like I relate that much to my friends. Theyāve tried to reach out and I applaud them for trying to be nice, especially since a couple of them have lost a parent too, they know what Iām dealing with. But I donāt think they know what itās like to be all the way in my situation, and I honestly canāt expect anyone to understand because they havenāt dealt with all of these things, and if they have, not at the same time. Iām better at answering questions because even I donāt know how to put how Iām feeling into words, but I can try to any time to vent. Because at the very least I think an unbiased opinion helps
- Intimacy in all meanings of the word. Emotionally, physically, all of that. I was in relationships in title, meaning the ones Iāve had they called me their girlfriend but they didnāt care much about how I felt to really listen and understand where Iām coming from with problems. And because if that during that time, a long time ago now, I thought more about how to defend what I thought Instead of their rebuttals to what I thought. I do the same with friends. Because I donāt want to be a buzzkill I donāt really rely on them when Iām feeling down, just when Iām neutral or feeling okay. But by that same token that means my family gets the brunt of the downside and i know they get kind of annoyed with it so I get it out in spurts and then try to stay cool and collected most of the time. I think thatās what the problem with my being single actually is. All the extra stuff is just the extra stuff. But over time Iāve learned how to take people how they are at any moment, but over time Iāve gotten afraid to let other people expect the same from me
- I donāt know. That just seems to be the response I get from other people when Iām specifically talking about romantic relationships. Whenever they ask me how dating is going theyāve gotten to a point where they think that Iām too picky. And admittedly I do turn down guys pretty quickly and I am really picky with my type, but itās because I waited this long. I for damn sure am not going to waste any time on someone I absolutely know wouldnāt work out. Iām playing for keeps
NParticipantYeah thereās that. But not that dad sort of knows what Iām talking about now in terms of not feeling like you can change anything and all you can do is talk about it. But Iām talking more broad picture instead of being unheard. I know people telling me to be hopeful actually isnāt a good thing and not helpful, but itās not helpful because I donāt know how to be hopeful about anything. I want to think tang after getting so low it canāt possibly get any worse, but having had to deal with all this stuff and things ending up getting worse in general, why would I think it would end up any different, and then that makes me feel like a crap person because in the meantime all my friends are happy and in love and working hard and living their lives, and I donāt want to talk to them. I feel like if I was such a good friend I should be able to deal when they get excited about something, but all I can think is Iām tired of there only being just enough good luck for everyone but me. I donāt want to have to celebrate things with them because I donāt feel celebratory, just like I donāt want to bum them out with my misery because they shouldnāt have to feel miserable
NParticipantAnita,
Thank you for your answer and making me feel like Iām not being crazy. I guess itās bothering me cause weāve been friends more than ten years. I figured we be closer than that. And I can give on being busy, I totally get that. But thatās what cell phones are for. I mean Iām overly sensitive as it is anyway, but itās still just a little painful and annoying to see
N
NParticipantI see, and I agree with that. Then I guess it really is looking into. I’ll look into it and see what I can find out. Thank you!
NParticipantThat’s fair. I always thought the two were mutually exclusive. Like I could like the fact that I’m where I am but still want for company and be sad and concerned about other goals that aren’t being met. I’ve been told this before that I should talk to an actual therapist, but as my folks don’t believe in them (my dad isn’t necessarily on the side of ‘psychobabble’) and the access to one is a bit difficult because I still live at home trying to pay for school has always made it hard to follow through.
By the way, I really appreciate you listening and talking with me. It’s really helpful
NParticipantHmm… itās possible
Iāve told my dad about my mom before and that I feel like she doesnāt really listen to me. But neither of us really know why that is or how to fix it. Sheās gotten to be a bit more overbearing but in the sense that she doesnāt so much talk to us but rather just tells us what to do. Sheās interrupted and changed the subject but part of me thinks sheās not being malicious, she just wonāt focus on what sheās thinking about. And I try not to think of it too much because even my dads started to be like that. Heāll definitely listen but instead of recognizing thereās something that upsets me they just wonder āwhy focus on it when thereās so much else you can be thankful for?ā Itās helped a little bit but itās just not that easy
NParticipantMy dad and I are great. Heās always told me I could tell him anything. Thereās still some worries I donāt talk about just because I donāt want him to think about it (like worries over him and my moms health) but otherwise I love talking to him. My moms okay to talk to but sheās always taken the ājust donāt worry about it/just be happy/stop being sadā approach. So even though I can talk to her about what Iām thinking itās usually pretty short. My mom and I are a whole other can of worms
NParticipantAbout my parents, they got married when they were 25, on a whim even. They married after some months of knowing each other and theyāre still together. They disagree on things of course but I think they just like each other. My dad used to tell me it wasnāt the fact he loved her that made him marry her so fast, but the fact that he just liked her. They were friends and they knew of all the things in the world that could be against them so to speak, they knew theyād always be for each other. Well they had kids in their 30s, now theyāre on the downhill to 60, and on top of that my mom has had cancer for about three years now. So in addition to just wanting someone I could be with, I also want a family of my own and for my parents have enough time to be part of it. Which just adds even more stress
NParticipantIāll try and explain as well as I can. I have a tendency to stay in my own head when something upsets me or stresses me out. Itās been years but there was a time where my friends sort of blew off how I was feeling, so Iāve been keeping to myself a lot. Iām vastly more sensitive than my friends know. I try to keep open to one of them but that fear of being annoying still stands, and now that she has a boyfriend Iād rather not say anything since thatās one of my laments, so I havenāt spoken to her and probably wonāt unless she needs me or wants to talk to me. Either way I just recently try to handle things on my own and just keep to myself about what Iām thinking
NParticipantPlus Iāve become a bit disenchanted with people. My standards are too high or something. My friend gushed about her first date to me and Iāve never done that. Last time I did was probably high school. So I donāt know if i could even regain that excitement beyond āah, theyāre okay.ā
NParticipantIāve never been in an honest relationship before. So Iām not used to being completely open to anyone or reliant on anyone, which some have told me makes me seem standoffish, insincere and cynical. Plus intimacy is something Iāve never had to deal with, even in terms of just personal space
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