I wanted to chime in from a mans perspective who was once guilty of the same behavior as your partner. I can only speak of my experience but I was working, providing a life and home for my family and we men hunker down. I lost my passion and was getting very little joy out of anything. I wasn’t alive anymore and my wife felt it. I was cold and reactive and did not bring any energy or love to our relationship. I was dead inside and couldn’t even see it. I wasn’t happy and it had nothing to do with my partner. Maybe you can ask him and encourage him to find his own happiness again. Real relationships are tough and have highs and lows. Reach out to him with real love and give him the space to feel alive and you will benefit.

Please don’t lose hope in humanity due to the pain you have gone through. Kind, gentle and non abusive people are out there as well. Spend time with kind people and you will learn what you are supposed to feel like when you have support and love with no strings attached to it. Truly kind people behave as such and many are kind long enough to suck you in before you see their true colors. You now know what a bad relationship is and can go forward with the skills to never get into one again. Please don’t see a bad relationship as personal failure it’s just something that happened to you it doesn’t need to define you! Heal by appreciating that you are alive, beautiful and capable. Heal yourself by loving others and it will come back to you. 💙

Petra,
I am the husband who had a similar situation to yours. I didn’t see the hurt my family was causing my wife. Long story short, I had to choose, wife and my children or people who never accepted my wife. I chose my wife and the family I built with her. It’s been over a year with no contact with my family and it is better that way. It was difficult at the time but it was the best move for my immediate family. I didn’t realize that I didn’t have her back and I was very conflicted about losing my family but if they could not accept my wife and respect her then they were out of my life. If he won’t do it then the stress will never end and you will pay the price by yourself.

I have thought deeply about your situation and I have a wife with a similar childhood as yours. I always wondered how she could go so long without showing affection as well when we were younger. What I realized over the years is that she is strong but a wounded little girl lives deep inside her. The problem you are having is an immature male who doesn’t get women yet. Your experience requires a partner who is strong enough to know he is loved and works to love and support you as you are. He wants you to behave as he wants and that is called control. If you are anything like my wife emotionally you don’t need anyone but require a supportive partner. Real love is in your heart but you are weary that it can be ripped away any moment and this is reinforced when you have a partner not mature enough to see the impact of your childhood on your current relationship. A lot of men would be very happy to have a woman like you but weaker men tear them apart to keep them under their control. You have a child who will only be as happy as the mother raising them and you know that better than anyone. Strong is beautiful, wounds heal with time and love. Men are good, just take the time to weed out the selfish ones who want to change you.

Nicole,
Caring about those around you and providing a good life for them is something we all think about. The secret is to enjoy it not fear it going away. I watched a couple of my family members live their lives the way you are describing and it left no room to enjoy anything. The old saying is change the way you look at things and things change. All you really control in this world is your own actions and how you respond to/view life. You have a beautiful son, you are caring and value your family and a life that is meant to be enjoyed. Take some time alone to feel the wind blow on your face, watch your son sleep in the comfort of the space you have given him and know that you are here to enjoy all those gifts even when they are sick. 🙂

Change means taking risks. You are trapped because you fear what might happen if you change what is actually comfortable. You are angry because you know you are better. Accept the hard path and make it happen, that’s what men do.