Hi Mark,

When I say commitment, I mean Time, as in quality time, doing more things together. At the moment he spends all of his time doing things separate from me. I am also a person that likes my own space, but I would also like to do some things together, this is normal in a relationship. If you do everything separate there is no point in being together.

When I say shut down, I mean silent treatment for days or weeks. Ignoring me, staying in the other room when he comes home. I very rarely go to him for emotional support, I usually do tend to talk to my Mum or close friends, because he is not good at giving emotional support.

Hi Anita.

I have been reading through your replies again & I would agree that I probably needed a certain level of distance, hence why my partner was the right fit for me in so many ways. I do find that when people tend to get too much with me too quickly or become overly friendly, it does make me want to run in the opposite direction.

Hi Anita.

Sorry for the delay. I was having a chat with my Mum on the telephone 😉

Yes I agree that “The silent treatment is very quiet, you can’t hear it, but you can definitely feel it.” Maybe this is how his Dad reacted & he has learned to react in the same way. I don’t know why, but never really thought about this before. Maybe just because his Dad comes across as very chilled & layed back. I would say my partner is very similar personality to his Dad & he has learned the silent treatment to avoid conflict, discussion about things he doesn’t wish to talk about.

My Dad expressed his temper by completely blowing his top. Shouting, screaming in your face, very threatening, red face & sometimes physically violent. I left home at 17 years old, and spent a lot of time terrified he would hurt my Mum & middle brother. I was the only one that ever really stood up to him. I would tell him he was a bully & that his behavior was disgusting. He would fly off the handle very easily, even if someone said something that he disagreed with or didn’t like, or felt like things were out of his control. He would even say things to provoke, like he wanted an argument. I have been on the receiving end a few times as an adult when I have visited. But have made clear that I will not tolerate this behavior towards myself or other members of my family. He seems to listen when I stand up to him, but it can be extremely stressful & I have threatened to involve the police unless he can control himself. He is a lot calmer since he is older. I have had many sleepless nights worrying about my Mum after I have left.

Hi Anita. Thankyou for you reply.

Yes, I met him when I was 21/22 years old & living together 26 years. Yes about 3 years ago his family ( 2 sisters & Dad) started contact with his son again, after 30 years or so. They all kept this secret from me, until his sister slipped to me during a telephone conversation. I said that I was very happy for them & that I felt it would also be a good thing for my partner to reconnect with his son. Although he has decided against it to date, as far as I know. I think it has more to do with his ex partner (mother of son) as she was angry with him & said she knew where we lived & wanted to turn up on our doorstep. This started me worrying more about our living arrangements & what could happen in the future.

I agree I have been feeling very lonely & since my Mum has been ill, I have been in need of more emotional support. She lives the other end of the country. I go every couple of months to visit her & talk to her every other day on the telephone. I have one brother who lives just 15 minutes away. But he has been a constant drain on my energy for the past 20 years since he moved here. He was a heroin addict & has been an alcoholic for decades. I would have cut him off many years ago, but he has a son, my nephew, who is now 16 and was adopted. He was born addicted & went into foster care as a baby. His mother committed suicide. I wanted to adopt my nephew (my partner was dead against). In hindsight it was much better for my nephew to be away from my brother, he lived to close & would have had a very negative impact on my nephew’s life. All this was taken into account at the time. I visited him very regular for the 4 years he spent in foster care, he was adopted at 4 years old. I went to court to keep contact with him & the court granted me 4 times a year visits, after a three year fight & many appeals. I couldn’t afford a family law solicitor & was told I would lose all contact, but I went to the court & represented myself & my Mum. Problem is my brother shares 2 of these visits with myself & my Mum (when she was well). I did request that my visits were kept separate from my brother, as I was worried that he would jeopardise the contact. But adoptive Mum found it too difficult to travel that often for the visits, which I do understand. My brother is now under threat to lose his contact, because of innapropriate behavior & turning up drunk. He has made no effort to improve his situation & just thinks of himself.

I met both my partners parents. His Mum passed away a few years ago. I know she worked a lot & his Dad is extremely calm & chilled out personality. I never heard an argument in their house. I often said they were like the Walton’s. He has never mentioned any conflict in his home as a child.

My Mum is the most amazing lady, not demanding. Very laid back, encouraged me to follow whichever path I choose. My Dad on the other hand could be very controlling (didn’t work on me) had a bad temper & was pretty distant with myself & my 2 brothers. My middle brother lives near to my parents in a care home. He got very ill as a teenager & was diagnosed schizophrenic. He spent more than 20 years in a phsyciatric hospital. My Mum fought for years to get him out of there, & found a place for him in a lovely care home about 5/6 years ago, where he is now flourishing & has made great improvements. Even with his illness he is a lovely person & much nicer to be around than my addict brother.

I hope some of this info helps. Thankyou so much Anita.

Hi Mark. Thankyou for your response.

I have always been bothered to an extent. The first few years he was very attentive, but not clingy. I am not a person that needs to be showered in attention, but I do need the basics. Every so often I have said that I am feeling unwanted/ ignored. He then says he understands how I feel, and he will try harder. He does for a while, then things go back to usual. His actions do not match his words a lot of the time.

More commitment I mean a civil partnership, or marriage. I would be happy with us making wills, if he is not up for that level of commitment. He tells me he is organizing it about 2 or 3 years ago. Then nothing happens. We have lived together all this time & I feel I have no security. Although I have paid half the mortgage. He has a son from before we met, who he has never kept in contact with. I have tried to encourage him to make contact over the years. He shuts down again & refuses to talk.

I have always wanted more commitment, he hasn’t. We are now both getting older and for me it is becoming an issue. If anything were to happen to him, half of my home would have to go to his son and I would have to sell up and move. It has also been on my mind more since my Mum has been ill, it made me maybe evaluate things more. I would have also liked to make sure that he is ok (safe in his home) if something happens to me.

I really do love him with all my heart. I just do not feel like my needs are being met anymore.

Thankyou for your input Mark.