Hi Ruminant, Inky, Big Blue:

All of your responses were so comforting, particularly because I haven’t told people in my life the specifics with the exception of my therapist. (Yes, she specializes in domestic violence.) It makes me feel so validated just to hear that other people have had similar experiences and that I’m not going crazy. I didn’t know cluster b personality was a thing, but I just looked it up and wowza..that fits the bill.

I think that you are right – I should stay with friends for a while and look for another place. I will record the events and look into how to follow through with a restraining order in the event that he comes around again.

As for mobilizing myself again…I would like to “own the store/town..” I am having anxiety because I feel targeted and my self esteem is clearly not in good shape if I was in this to begin with. I have thought of telling everyone I can, but I am
1. embarrassed/ashamed and 2. hesitant to give it any energy, including negative energy, as I think it may feed his ego. On the other hand, there is a part of me that wants to warn people/future women with some sort of online truth. I am not sure that is the way to handle it though.

thanks chad.

your words mean a lot.

Yes, Joseph, I think that I am afraid of “success” as much as failure. If I get through this semester, it means I have 4 months left until I look for a job and my life may change a lot. I will have arrived where I’ve wanted to be for a very long time. It is terrifying!!

Same with the bf. If things go well with us for a few more months, we will most likely take a big step together. I don’t know if I”m ready, so I constantly look for why that is impossible. (Total self sabotage!) I think I can probably work on my self-esteem.

School first, this week. And sort the rest out after. Thank you Matt & Al, it is true — I need to stay connected to the big picture this week, get rest and prioritize. Everything else after in steps.

Thank you two!

I agree…..I think I have some past triggers around this issue. I am going to work on my own feelings and reactions.

Mika, your website looks really interesting…I’m going to check it out!

Thanks all..

Matt, your response in particular resonated with me. I’ve heard before from friends that men take longer to commit. (I hate that we are such stereotypes!) I think you hit his behavior right on the head. I did have a conversation with him recently, and he said he understands now how I feel, even though he didn’t before. And that he has never been with someone that asked him to think about things like that. He also said that how I feel is fair and that all he can do is gain my trust back.

Jamie, I like your idea and I will ask him that.

Overall, it seems he wants some guidance from me on what I feel ok with and not. I want to be with him, so I think it is worth the risk, as long as I can stop analyzing and enjoy.

Hey Jade,

Thanks for the response! Our experiences do sound similar.

I agree, I actually get a lot done when he is traveling for work, and it helps me keep an eye on my own life/goals. I think I am nervous that he too likes newness/excitement, so the traveling works to our advantage now, I worry about if we’re capable of being stable/stationary.

It’s really intense when he’s in town. It feels like everything else stops for a week or two, because we don’t have much time together. Would it be best to absolutely stick to my schedule either way? Sometimes I want to rearrange things to get more time together.

I like your straight talk. I’m going to try it. =]