Thank you all for your thoughtful responses! I don’t think the girls I interact with remind me of my mother, well, I guess in some ways. Like I see mom seems to be annoyed at dad a lot and sort of criticizes him a lot, and I see a lot of married people are kind of just sort of like friends and not romantic partners in some ways. I think I had a great relationship with my parents, but this experience with my ex girlfriend and my interactions with girls have sort of led me to feel like they will see me as disposable.

I know it’s not true. I know I have to give them a chance. I know they are just stressed out and probably don’t have the same energy because of expectations… They would probably want to be more fun or creative if they had the chance!

I understand that Buddhists have a concept of freeing yourself from desire and reaching a sort of “emptiness” but I never understood that, maybe you could shed some light on it? To me, it seems like to feel good or pleasure you must exist, and if you exist, you have a purpose, and that with a purpose you must desire to do something. To me emptiness and pleasure/feeling good and clear and at peace are not the same (in one I am empty, in the other I am full). In Buddhism is this “emptiness” then actually what I am thinking by “full?”

Or maybe it means you can feel happy/good/pleasure/peace/clarity by just existing itself? Emptying yourself of anxiety and expectations?

I think that it useful in a way (I guess if you mean it and really do understand!). Of course it would be good to add in personal experience or suggestions too (though maybe that isn’t the buddhist philosophy). Maybe that’s what the therapist was trying to do… I don’t know it’s so confusing sometimes…

I really cared about her and walked her home in the rain and ran to the park with her after school. It was….magical. I really don’t know how else to describe it. Every little thing triggered an intense positive feeling. Just smelling her house and walking down her street were almost spiritual.

Maybe if I give girls my age a chance they won’t end up being the apathetic super “mature” people I’m thinking they are? And then maybe I can transition past this stage

Yes I tried therapy but it didn’t really work nor did doctors – it just feels sort of weird paying someone to talk to you, and I would get advice like avoid thinking about it or it’s okay to have casual sex. It was hard for me because I always saw sex as a beautiful thing intertwined with love – people are not just disposable

I tried moving out living on campus at a college with 2 roommates and I have severe anxiety when I do not have some personal space… I thought that I would get over it but the two years I was there I didn’t seem to feel any more comfortable. My work and quality of life suffered dramatically.

I don’t think it’s as much “moving out,” but having personal space, independence, freedom, and respect as a hard working valued individual. That is self-actualization, no?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Trevor.

Thank you all so much, I did not think that it would be possible to find the answer I was looking for, but the answer is starting to become more clear. It’s just hard to accept certain truths when they feel so alien, so I really appreciate the positive energy.

I feel evil if I betray myself by being okay with my parents being dead or no longer existing as they do, yet I feel pressured and strong-armed into this happening, which feels evil as well. I feel that it is evil that my parents would be some sort of puppets made by God, or even myself.