My vision of a happy life….

Well that would be being independent financially. (not struggling with money every payday for both of us-Ive been helping her a lot lately get caught up on her bills).  Being able to spend significant amounts of time alone with her.  Going away for weekends here and there, going out to dinner and a night out, spending time just the two of us at home.  Spontaneous trips or drives to the mountain or the coast.  Doing fun things with the kids without arguing with them or fighting.  Having my freedom to do things by myself or with my friends when i can.  Coming home, smiling, feeling happy.  Not feeling overwhelmed and like i’m in a never-ending circle of the same thing every day.  Like I’m grounded all the time.

We got into a pretty big fight last night.  We talked about a lot.  I did tell her that i need “us” time.  That i don’t know how long i can last if we don’t get it.  That hurt her pretty bad, but i had to be honest.  She wants all that too and feels horrible that she can’t give it to me, to us.

Honestly right now, i don’t know if  i will be able to do this long term.  I don’t know if i will be able to sit idle and not enjoy life like i used to.  I’m not trying to compare her to my old relationship.  However in my last one, she did not have young kids and was able to get away quite a bit.  We would spend on average 1 weekend away per month together.  spend probably 3 weekends every month either me staying there or her here.  Just the two of us.  We did lots of day trips together and with my kids.  It was great.  It felt like i was finally living life.  Being in my mid 40’s i never had that before.

Now I seriously feel like i’m imprisoned at my home.  I don’t do anything fun or exciting anymore.  I do understand part of blending a family with a single mother with no support of any kind means i have to make sacrifices.  But it is incredibly hard.  I miss what my life used to be sooooo much.  with me only getting my kids 50/50, i had so much more freedom and opportunity.  Now it feels like it’s been taken away.  I’m trying to learn this new life and make the best of it, but it is very difficult.

I hope that i can push through this and things do get better.  I do love her, but if i can’t get what i need them i’m afraid i will start to resent her.

neither of us have an option to leave.  where i’m living, my rent is really cheap.  I couldn’t afford another place big enough for all of my stuff and she couldn’t afford my place on her own.

She makes just barely too much for daycare assistance.

our kids get along great (well like siblings.  LOL)  My kids love her and her kids love me.  We all get along good.  I just don’t have that 100% all in love feeling with her like i should.  I’ve had that once before in my lifetime.  It was pure bliss while it lasted and still hurts knowing i lost it and may never feel that again.

With her, i do love her and care for her.  But i just don’t have that ” i would do anything to be with her” feeling.  Like if she was to leave me tomorrow, i would be hurt and upset.  I wouldn’t be crushed though and i probably wouldn’t go chasing after her.

She does feel like that about me though.  I think i know exactly how she feels, because I felt that with someone else a long time ago.  It is an amazing feeling.  I wish I could feel like that about her, but maybe it will take more time and once we get settled better and more of a routine with the kids and work to where we can enjoy each other more it will get better.

Maybe it is like i said, i’m missing the alone time with her.  Her and i never really had that “honeymoon stage” together.  We never had a chance with her having her kids 24/7.  At this point, i don’t see us having that chance for at least another 6 more months.  Where as in my past relationships, it was almost every other weekend I was doing something.  Something different or spontaneous.  Now, we have to find a sitter for her kids and that is like pulling teeth just finding someone to watch them for a day, let alone a whole weekend.

It’s hard because i know if we had that time alone we should have, that i would feel different.  Now it feels like we’ve been married for 10 years and we are just getting by until the day comes we can have our time.  I’m not trying to be selfish, in fact I know she wants this as bad or more than I do.  But I want it now!  I want to be able to hop in the truck and go spend the night somewhere on a minutes notice, or plan a weekend retreat with out stressing about spending $200 for someone to watch her kids over the weekend and then stressing the whole weekend if they aren’t good or having to worry about being home at a certain time.

I went from being free to do what ever i wanted every other week to tied down and not doing anything, she went from stressing about someone watching her kids so she could work, to having me there whenever and not having to stress about it anymore.

I do wish we would of waited to move in together.  I felt like at the time it was the right decision, now i’m afraid that it wasn’t.  That we should of spent more time apart and only special time together first, instead of me just hanging out at her house with her and her kids.

I think we really needed that time.  It does feel like we fight a lot now also.  We always make up and all of that, but it does feel like almost every day, there is something that we argue about.  In my last relationship, we hardly fought at all, in my marriage before that, we fought here and there, but nothing like as much as i do now.

Very frustrating and concerning to me.  I do want this to work out.  I can see a very happy life with her.  But if i’m not feeling happy now and feeling held down and like i’m forced into this situation that i caused.  how is that supposed to get better.   To make things worse, her work changed her schedule for the next two months for her to work 4PM to 2AM Sunday thru Thursday.  So that means i will be a “single daddy” to her kids those days for almost two months.  I’m worried that that might be my breaking point.  I guess we will see what happens.

What is really messed up, if this would of been my last girlfriend.  I would of done it in a heartbeat.  I would of relocated to another city if needed without question.  I wish i could have that feeling with my girlfriend now.  I just don’t think we’ve had enough alone time to build what we need together.  Seriously i could count on one hand how many nights alone(just the two of us) have had together since we met (8 months ago)