Wow! Thank you Anita, that feels spot on, I had chills reading this. I didn’t thought about this… I could add after having reflecting a bit on the subject that it’s also about perfectionism and how things should be. I feel strongly unsatisfied when I do something for myself because it’s never the way I want it to be whereas when I do things for others, it is not me who judges, so off the pressure. Also, I notice that my parent did put a lot of pressure for me to do the things I want to do, which, in the end, resulted in me having fear towards these things. They are not to blame of course, they didn’t know that pushing me too hard in every little center of interest I ever had could wound up like this. They put pressure on me to accomplish these things that I want as if the result was worth more that the thing itself : then, I don’t do things for fun or because I want to, I do them to obtain a certain result, a feeling of approbation and to release the guilt I have about not doing things “perfectly”. And of course, what I do for myself is never what I should be doing, never the best, never important… They assisted me materially, it did help me, but unconsciously, it discouraged me. Thanks a lot, now that I know the problem, it’ll be way easier to work with it!:b

Jan T, your comment is quite interesting too. I’ve practiced what you said (in my head) and I notice that all my problems have for substantial source, fear : fear of not being right, fear of not being worth, fear of not being the best, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of mistakes, fear of living… All kinds of fear! I’ve started to work with them and realize why they are not true as you say. I realized that I’m way more insecure than I thought, way more fearful of life and I use a lot of “spiritual” concept if you like, to justify my fears : something like, follow inspiration and do the things that it says (I wound up doing nothing judging that this and that was not inspiration)… A lot of misunderstanding due to fear. And it’s a good idea to allow rather than to grasp. I know that I can do it, but I keep getting lost in grasping. It’s stupid really… For example, if I want to write something, I’m grasping and I think about what I should write, what I should write about, how important it is to write the good things, for it to be perfect, how I’m not writing what I “want” to write… I grasp to something I want to write (which is not bad, but the way I do it is quite hurting and counter-inspirational), but I will try and allow the energy to go through. I don’t know why I do it, it never helped me to do anything and I’ve seen many times that allowing was much more stronger… I’ll let the energy of the moment unfold as it should!:) Thanks a lot and I would add to your last part about fear and love that indeed there really is just that, but I saw that love always subsides beneath fear and that one can experience love while he experiences fear. It makes sense for me:) The sun is unaffected by the passing clouds. We think the sun is gone because we are standing on the ground, but the sun didn’t go anywhere. When we are the sun, we are free to experience anything with a loving heart. I don’t think love and fear are opposite, they are complementary, how would we ever stop identifying with the outside world if fear wasn’t there to make us reflect : fear, when we use it correctly leads inevitably to love, deeper and more wise love. Imagine if we can enjoy our own fears how beautiful our lives would be? To just let be these painful thoughts release their energies, understand them and act if it’s required. I don’t think our inner pain is opposite to happiness, can an ill person be happy? I think so… Well, thanks for your thoughts, made me reflect a bit 🙂