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Yannick Plante

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  • in reply to: I want, but I cling #101924
    Yannick Plante
    Participant

    Wow! Thank you Anita, that feels spot on, I had chills reading this. I didn’t thought about this… I could add after having reflecting a bit on the subject that it’s also about perfectionism and how things should be. I feel strongly unsatisfied when I do something for myself because it’s never the way I want it to be whereas when I do things for others, it is not me who judges, so off the pressure. Also, I notice that my parent did put a lot of pressure for me to do the things I want to do, which, in the end, resulted in me having fear towards these things. They are not to blame of course, they didn’t know that pushing me too hard in every little center of interest I ever had could wound up like this. They put pressure on me to accomplish these things that I want as if the result was worth more that the thing itself : then, I don’t do things for fun or because I want to, I do them to obtain a certain result, a feeling of approbation and to release the guilt I have about not doing things “perfectly”. And of course, what I do for myself is never what I should be doing, never the best, never important… They assisted me materially, it did help me, but unconsciously, it discouraged me. Thanks a lot, now that I know the problem, it’ll be way easier to work with it!:b

    Jan T, your comment is quite interesting too. I’ve practiced what you said (in my head) and I notice that all my problems have for substantial source, fear : fear of not being right, fear of not being worth, fear of not being the best, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of mistakes, fear of living… All kinds of fear! I’ve started to work with them and realize why they are not true as you say. I realized that I’m way more insecure than I thought, way more fearful of life and I use a lot of “spiritual” concept if you like, to justify my fears : something like, follow inspiration and do the things that it says (I wound up doing nothing judging that this and that was not inspiration)… A lot of misunderstanding due to fear. And it’s a good idea to allow rather than to grasp. I know that I can do it, but I keep getting lost in grasping. It’s stupid really… For example, if I want to write something, I’m grasping and I think about what I should write, what I should write about, how important it is to write the good things, for it to be perfect, how I’m not writing what I “want” to write… I grasp to something I want to write (which is not bad, but the way I do it is quite hurting and counter-inspirational), but I will try and allow the energy to go through. I don’t know why I do it, it never helped me to do anything and I’ve seen many times that allowing was much more stronger… I’ll let the energy of the moment unfold as it should!:) Thanks a lot and I would add to your last part about fear and love that indeed there really is just that, but I saw that love always subsides beneath fear and that one can experience love while he experiences fear. It makes sense for me:) The sun is unaffected by the passing clouds. We think the sun is gone because we are standing on the ground, but the sun didn’t go anywhere. When we are the sun, we are free to experience anything with a loving heart. I don’t think love and fear are opposite, they are complementary, how would we ever stop identifying with the outside world if fear wasn’t there to make us reflect : fear, when we use it correctly leads inevitably to love, deeper and more wise love. Imagine if we can enjoy our own fears how beautiful our lives would be? To just let be these painful thoughts release their energies, understand them and act if it’s required. I don’t think our inner pain is opposite to happiness, can an ill person be happy? I think so… Well, thanks for your thoughts, made me reflect a bit 🙂

    in reply to: I want, but I cling #101660
    Yannick Plante
    Participant

    Yeah thanks Inky for your insight. I took some time today to try and understand how it works and I think it really is about all sorts of fear : fear the opportunity will not be there again, fear of not being approved, fear that you might never be able to do it… I even have fear of feeling bad when doing things I like… I do understand what you mean by saying “nothing matters” it’s just another thing, it’s true, because when I’ve applied this logic in the past (thinking that I didn’t want to do anything) I was just lying to myself and buying into my fears : I was justifying my non-action because it brought pain with it. But today I know that I shouldn’t feel pain because it must come out in order from greater things to be expressed, actually, I think we should throw ourselves in what makes us feel this pain in order to understand what it has to teach us instead of hiding from it (there are limits there, but when pain comes, I try to simply enjoy it as it is simply “another thing”, it isn’t bad, it is, simply) Well thanks for this, made me wrote about things I never thought about!:)

    Anita : you comment is very true to my experience, it is like I lost control of myself. In this state, all my memories, dreams, etc are kind of wiped out temporarily. I can’t figure out anything or reason myself, I get pulled inside something that really feels like passion as you described it. I never thought about that, it’s really interesting. It is indeed very scary and I can’t control it, I get lost in this state. However, sometimes I am melting in the present moment while, for example, I’m playing guitar and there’s magic happening. I keep my heart calm (it takes enormous efforts) and I don’t experience this state. But it is quite hard to do as I don’t really know how to deal with this. Do you have any idea that could help me or that have helped you already? Like I said above, I know this pain is trying to teach me something and I should try to listen to it, and to simply enjoy it’s presence, but it’s kind of overwhelming sometimes. I’d like to know why it’s there? Do you have any idea? Does it feel so bad because we resist the “passion” or because we buy into it?

    Teleri, it’s a story I can really relate to. I’m trying to make a garden too and I feel so strange doing it. It’s my first one, so many things to learn and plan and I feel the project has taken over me. It’s not for fun anymore, it’s like this garden has to save the world : it’s a lot of pressure. I try to integrate permaculture design techniques, but I feel ashamed for not understanding all of them, I feel anxious for not doing it perfectly, guilty.. everything!:b I didn’t thought I was so perfectionist, but I really am… I try to take permaculture courses to deepen my understanding, but I feel anxious about not remembering everything and I get drawn into “passion” again. It’s quite hard to accomplish anything in these states, but I really love your “solution” to this which is (in my words) to feel grateful for the beauty and live that runs through life. It’s maybe our egoic mind that wants to possess so many things but never really enjoys them fully : it’s maybe this selfish mind that obsess so much about things like that putting pressure on itself as if life depended on it. But you’re right : we should enjoy life, isn’t that the point in the end?

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