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TodzillaParticipantMatt,
Your post from the morning of 9/29 has been a fountain of light for me. I have re-read it numerous times and it is really helping me let go of anger (not suppress it, but let it go) and re-frame the situation in a more loving light.
I thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
TodzillaParticipantWrite a reply, but don’t send it.
If his motives are more than just wanting to know how you’re doing, he’ll write back again with more details. And if not, you’re moving on.
TodzillaParticipantMatt,
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my responses carefully. Second, thank you for taking the time to respond with a bit of tough love.
I think your points are all good ones. As you’ve intimated, I am definitely struggling with expectations. A bit of background: my spouse is very moody, by her own admission. She will go into unprovoked rages and say things that deeply, very deeply hurt. Over the years, this has affected me and caused me to question her motives. She has picked up on this and accuses me of making inferences into her motives that are not charitable. But when I tell her that I am hurt by her words, she re-casts her motives as pure and good, and casting this as my issue. It may not come out in my narrative, but I am trying extremely hard to understand and support her, but it is so difficult so let go of her cruel words, her ultimatums and her lack of interest in understanding me.
I know a good Buddhist would say that I am bringing this upon myself by viewing it as a contest and I suppose that’s right to some extent. Letting go is so hard, and it’s so unclear where I’ll be as I approach that.
TodzillaParticipantStill struggling with all of this.
Her threats of divorce, withholding of intimacy and implications that there is symmetry in our struggles (none of which I’ve responded to outside of an outward appearance of love and acceptance) seem to be indicative of her need to control. I feel I am re-auditioning as her husband and that she has absolutely no interest in understanding me. I am really working on letting go of wanting to be understood, of not expecting her to be compassionate, of surrendering my ego and just serving her seemingly insatiable needs.
This is really terrifying and I can’t deny that I feel tremendous anger at her. The ultimatums of divorce, of her trumping any attempts for me to share my feelings by steamrolling over them with “yeah, but I feel…,” and of her responding to any attempts to be encouraged by re-issuing the threats. There is so much I am not saying in order to keep peace, while she seems unconstrained there.
Can I approach an ego-less state? What will be left of me? Who will I have become? Better in many ways, but so completely foreign.
TodzillaParticipantMatt,
Thanks for your insights! To answer your questions, I think I am guilty of dumping stress and expecting her to respond with specific tones of empathy and comfort. As you imply, I would probably have better results asking more directly. But I also think I have more visceral/primal urges to dump stress, and that’s a difficult urge to control, even if it’s on rare occasions.
I fear we’re perfectly matched, but in a bad way. She expects me to not express any anger or sadness, I expect her to react to my anger or sadness with comfort. Neither of us is being fair to each other, or to ourselves.
We’ve known each other for 35 years and have been together as a couple for 23 years. We still have lots of work to do.
I’m open to any suggestions on the framework for letting go.
TodzillaParticipantI think you need to forgive yourself and see the humor in it, especially if she’s gotten past it.
You’ll do better next time.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 