I think that indeed, when I don’t reach out to people, they don’t either so I would definitely be alone if I stop. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to disrespect myself either.

I see you I have lot of homework now! Will think about it and will probably take some days to answer.

See you. Thank you again.

Wish you well.

Hello Anita,

I hope you’re doing well?

Update:

-I have checked a lot of information lately and it seems like the friend that blocked me was plainly manipulative, she couldn’t get her way so she just threw me lol. I once saw a msg from my ex’s ex and she was lecturing him and telling him he was narcissistic (she’s a therapist). I checked today, and INDEED he filled most of the requisites. I had suspected a lot but at the time, I thought she was just angry and said nonsense! That’s crazy! I was given such a blunt proof yet I didn’t believe it. Love surely is blind.

These are some circumstances you asked me to think about, in which I haven’t been assertive, which we could create a plan for:

-When the co-worker harassed me because I didn’t focus on her presentation (I didn’t want to cry and was to slow to react and see it was disrespect, I have a hard time identifying when people are being direspectul)

-Bullies during my childhood (fear of being physically attacked and self-hate)

-A guy at a bakery who served everyone with a tong and then saved me with his bare hands (STILL ANNOYED about that time), also made jokes about me being bad at maths because I couldn’t make the calculation for the final price (I didn’t want to ask him to change the articles he was handing to me for fear of appearing arrogant when he was definitely the one being rude)

I am also facing a little of a situation right now:

-I have this friend A, I have been friends with her since we’re children, she once was my best friend, in high school, she betrayed me and told another friend B that I thought she was fake. The other friend B came with her A and confronted me and she A told to my face that indeed I had said that. From that point forward, I lost the trust I had for friends. Since, they are best friends, I don’t speak to the other girl B anymore and I still am friend with the friend A who betrayed me. I wouldn’t tell her my secrets. Thing is, I have always perceived this friend as a sister, even though she was often there when I was bullied and never tried to defend me or anything. I am very loyal. We are still friends and last year I went to visit her to her place. However, every year we come back for holidays in our home country and she always makes sure not to see me. I mean she comes with all sorts of excuses, that she is sick etc. It’s true that she is sick but I often see her posting pictures with other friends. Yet, when I ask her to come home, she says yes and then doesn’t come and gives me an excuse. This has been going on for a long time. I keep giving and giving and sense as if I am not receiving in return, she talks to me when I talk to her, otherwise she doesn’t. Last time, I asked her if she would travel with me to go pick my master’s degree diploma and she said she would ask her dad and let me know… I truly feel as if she doesn’t like to spend time with me.

I was wondering if I should be assertive and tell her how I feel about the situation or if I should just give up on her because friendships can’t be forced and if she wanted to spend time with me, I wouldn’t have to do all of this. I don’t know if I am being passive aggressive and trying to avoid confrontation or if it is really not worth it and I should once for all cut ties? Any opinion?

Also, one of the acquaintances I told about my break-up to, never contacted me since I told her to ask if I was feeling ok, I felt kind of hurt, normally I would just brush it and tell my self they don’t care about me and keep the pain in my heart but today I sent her a msg and said: “hey, I hope you’re doing ok. I feel hurt that you haven’t asked how I feel since last time knowing that I am going through a break-up. In my head, it looks like you don’t care. I wish you had asked”. I knew this was assertive but I have been feeling bad for doing so. Do you think it was a good idea? I feel like I always have to chase after my acquaintances (I wouldn’t call them friends), what’s wrong with me?

-Maria

thank youuu

**I forgot to say that I have always had a fear of confrontation (childhood abuse), that’s why I turned to Stoicism I guess, out of cowardice so I wouldn’t have to face my fears.

I will wait! Answer whenever you want!

Anita,

I have asked some people around me to tell me how they perceive me and I am currently waiting for their answers. I think their answers will be very biased so I don’t really count on that.

Back when I was dating him, was a period of my life in which I was super confident in myself and it was very obvious that I was. I would never say anything self-deprecating in public and speak up when I thought I was being walked all over. HOWEVER, I believed in the concept of “not giving time away to jerks”. Therefore, there were times he thought he needed to “save” me when people “were putting me down” (in my mind, actually mind themselves down because I didn’t feel concerned). How to explain this? Mainly, I used to only become aggressive with people when I thought they were worth it. Once, at work, a woman that seemingly felt so bad about her own person that she started confronting me because she felt I wasn’t giving enough attention to her presentation. She asked me what was wrong “I told her that her presentation was too long and not well organized”; she took it personally and started telling me how long she had to work on it when she was the one to ask me my opinion. So I just stared at her and I felt bad for her, she was pitiful to me. I had done nothing to her. It happened a couple of times and he felt the need to defend me, which I didn’t need at all.

I am not like this anymore, he made it clear to me that the way I was was a weak to him, I have changed since and have become much more aggressive. I don’t know if it is a good thing but anyways. He always said that you could never get through this life without people fearing you otherwise they wouldn’t respect you. And it seems to be the case in many situations.

But other than that, I have always been a very independent person, I left my parents home at age 19, changed continent, studied in a country where I knew no one, fell sick, almost died alone when hospitalized for a major chronic disease during months. And he knew that, that I was very independent and didn’t need him. I have been a lot into stoicism so I told him that if we meant to be we would be and otherwise it just wouldn’t, and that I couldn’t control others etc. So I don’t think he perceived me as having low self-worth. But you know what? I have read in a post long ago that narcissists or abusive men, I don’t remember like to break independent women because it makes them feel better about their ego, it is like a prize, the challenge and being able to minimize this type of women. I personally think, people perceive me as a strict, smart girl, arrogant comes back a lot unfortunately. A bit uptight lol.

Keep you updated once they answer 🙂

Hello Anita,

I am already back! haha

I read this article yesterday which got me even MORE DEPRESSED!

I will quote a part of it:

“So, if you had the early experience of someone distancing themselves from you or leaving you—or if anyone in your family had that experience—it’s likely you believe that this experience is going to happen again. And because you believe this, you automatically re-create the experience in your relationships today.

This is why we get caught in the pattern of choosing people who distance themselves from us—because we’re creating our realities from the inside out. We attract people who match what we believe about ourselves and relationships.”

I have always been bullied since I was a little child and all throughout high school, never understood why people did put so much energy in bringing me down. I grew up and ended up having fears about being abandoned and low self-esteem. One of my only friends, got married this week, she blocked me when I told her I couldn’t attend her wedding because I have a immune disease and can’t put my life into danger. Mainly she was like “if you really wanted to come, you’d” and blocked me, we had been friends for 10years+ and she also bullied me when we were younger.

All of this makes me feel as if there is a bigger problem underneath, I feel like people will abandon me anyways. When I like a friend, I always take my time and talk to them and try to help them but most of them don’t reciprocate. Thus, I feel like my life is kind of doomed, I can’t do anything but attract this type of people. And I tried everything to love myself enough but how do you know it when you get there? Maybe I can’t love myself enough? What’s even enough?

Maybe, I just attract people who will inevitably abandon me? That’s why he did?

Or maybe I am being paranoiac and trying to forcefully put the fault on me?

Thank you for hearing me, I send you blessings 🙂

Amelia,

We actually have the same culture and religion.

Thinking that his mother thinks she’s better than me and that her son is too, drives me crazy, it makes me so mad.

Her son pictured her as a very pious woman and she wears the veil etc, yet it is forbidden in our religion to be racist.

I just feel as a total fool, I had already talked to my parents and they had approved of the marriage even though they have told me to be cautious because he’s from a community where people are very racist and problematic. Yet, I was ready to marry him.

I just wish I could stop being mad.

I don’t have really good friends that take care of me or cheer me up, just acquaintances so my life is quite lonely now.

🙂