hi AJ, i’m really sorry to hear about your problems.they touched a nerve in me because i had the same symptoms as you but they were caused by different problems but i will give you some advice now because i feel it is all getting too much for you to cope with for much longer and i would hate to think you harmed yourself because you think no-one cares about your problems. first of all you must really understand what i am going to say to you now-

like i said before i have had a lot going on in my life and it came to the point,like you, when i could take no more….it’s taken me 15yrs to build myself back up because i wanted to make sure i had no weight carrying round all the baggage i had.i wanted to start again,afresh,like a brand new person–and i’m guessing you do too.so here is my advice and things i did too to help myself get out of my situation:

the first thing you must do is get off the anti-depressant. they only work to numb your real feelings and mask over who you really are so it’s no wonder you are confused and up and down with your emotions.ask your doctor to start lowering the dose and supplement this with vitamins like b12 or high dose b complex, also 5htp, these are a vitamin that makes you feel happy.the most important thing though for you is to get off the anti depressants and get in tune with your real self because admittedly you say you are confused and you don’t know who you are anymore.

secondly you should start seeing a therapist. there are lots of very good Indian doctors over here so i’m sure you could find one. if i was you i would seek the help of a woman doctor as they are more understanding. i don’t know the stance about gay couples in India but if they are not acceptable don’t mention that because ultimately you need to find out who you really are in terms of shedding all this emotional baggage you have about your childhood, your controlling behaviour, lack of self esteem and low opinion of yourself. you have a lot of self-work to do before you address your sexuality.

if a therapist is also frowned upon maybe you could try one in a different city. you should also read a lot of self help books and listen to youtube meditations and hypnotherapy about how you feel,self esteem and confidence issues etc.

there is another method that really helps and that is to spend an hour or so writing everything that has happened and is happening in your life and how you feel then burn it so no one will see it. you should do this a few times a week and particularly on a bad day. when you have a bad day just write about the events of the day and nothing more then burn it….burning it is symbolic of clearing your mind of those thoughts and the smoke is sending them up to the heavens to be cleansed!

concerning your feelings towards other guys, i really cannot answer if you are gay or not. one thing is clear though and that is you are ‘attracted’ to confident guys because you are not confident and it may be that subconsciously you wish you were like that. feelings for another person can get very intense,especially when you are attracted to there character.it seems that you really are in love with them when in fact you are not so it is hard to say whether you are gay or not.

the best thing you could do is to find out who you are first and get off the anti-depressants. do the work on yourself first and become a stronger person with confidence. one thing is certain though is that if you don’t raise your self esteem issues you are most certain to get yourself in the wrong relationship which will probably be a very abusive one so get your issues worked out now before your life gets totally out of control.

i hope my advice really helps you, but please give yourself the time to make it happen.it won’t feel like it at first because your emotions will rise to the surface but just remember you must rise through it because things will get better,just have faith in yourself that you can make this happen.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!!