I’ve been both depressed and full of anxiety for sometime. I have tried medication and no medication.

The last few months I have wish that I would not wake up. I have wish for cancer and just wish the pain (emotional pain) would go away. I have no idea what’s happen to me. Well part of it I do know because I have lived my life in the past. I left my husband because he was gay and end up breaking up my family because of it. I lost who I thought for many years was my best friend and my unity of a family. I’ve remarried but can’t seem to connect the way I use to have it. I cry so much and miss my dream of a life I use to have when my family was whole. My children have moved away and I find myself sulking, miserable, and as much as I try to invest in activities none of them bring them the joy I use to feel inside.

Anxiety is just another addition and I ended up in the ER asking for meds to help me a few weeks ago. Anything to take away the pain. My husband and I were fighting so much that I left and we filed for divorce. I seriously felt happy in a strange way. I was with my son and his family and children. I felt needed, they were very supportive, etc….but would this galmours feeling last? IDK…My husband agree to seek counseling because he can be very difficult with words that hurt…He has made big strives to be nice in the last week since I’ve been home. I agree to seek out and take medication. When I was at the ER 4 weeks or so ago I got Wellburtin and Lorazepam..In 3 days I see a phyocharitrist. The wellburtin tends to make me agitated and I cut the dose to 75mg. I woke up crying today…I just don’t feel joy or happiness. With my kids gone I just don’t feel like I have a purpose like I use to. I never dream I feel so low. I think that is why I am so sad. There is nothing ot look forward too and yes, I have tried to think of things but part of me is hurting so much inside that it’s hard to muster of the energy.

I notice when I talk to a few of my friends I feel alittle better. I also feel paroniod though. Like their talking behinid my back or some people are up to no good on me. I want to talk to the Dr about those feelings as well. It’s very embrassing and I am miserable.

All my life I’ve been the life of the party and the one who made things happen. Today I just want to run away and wish nothing would happen and I die soon so I didn’t have to deal with what hurts so much and that’s trying to find happiness inside. When it’s dead.

I feel terrible as I have no sexual interest either and leave my husband without much sex either…I don’t have it in me to do anything or pretend.

If anyone wants me to call the suicide hotline please stop!! I am not going to kill myself. I just don’t like living. There is a difference.

I am hoping to recover..I hope I can find medication to help me. I hope I can find happiness again and it sticks…I haven’t been happy in so very long….this is a hard place for me right now.