Dear @Tim and @Anita.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. Whilst looking through this site, I have read both of your comments on other threads you have contributed to and see immense value in your advice and can see (and agree) with the perspectives you have both put forward – so thank you.

I am such a private person, the thought of sharing my story would normally be unthinkable to me but I know now that I can’t do this on my own. I need to open up and begin to work on my insecurities, I’m just exhausted by it all and don’t want to lose this man from my life. When I’ve had therapy in the past it’s because I’ve gone past breaking point and got to the point where I could see no way forward. I’ve always had to hit rock bottom before I sought help. I don’t want that for myself anymore.

You are so right Tim, it is fear, with a capital ‘F’. I feel that to simply survive so far in life, I’ve created a defence that comes into full force whenever there is even a hint that I might get hurt. When you’ve spent a childhood being hurt it’s a good thing but is not sustainable in adult life and makes me so unhappy.

Anita, your suggestion to pay for therapy sessions together is sound advice but it seems like a million miles away at the moment. Right now, I can’t even get my head around how I’m going to reach out to him. I have really hurt him and for that I’m truly sorry. It has helped me to see my own words in black and white on this post. I think that to want to reconcile with him straight away would not be fair on him, or healthy for me. But I do owe him an explanation. What it will take for me to have this conversation, to be vulnerable, is huge. Partly because of my own defences and partly because I’m scared he will see me as ‘flawed’ and this will deal a double blow and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to carry this.

So, moving forward I’ve already contacted a therapist to seek online support and I will look to contacting my ex to see if he even wants to talk. Wish me luck!

And again, thank you.