Hi,

Reading this as a male made me feel incredibly ashamed, I apologise that this was your first experience.

You have taken the first step, in recognising this relationship is toxic and I’m sorry but the harsh reality is he is using you for his own needs only. You deserve someone who keeps you safe and wants to wine and dine you. Puts effort into creating a bond or building a connection for a relationship.

It saddens me someone has taken advantage of you being vulnerable. Love can make you blind to the reality of the situation, I see you are young and thought by giving him sexual favours would make him love you. Many despicable men will take advantage of you in that way which is why it is important to guard and protect yourself in future from engaging in sex so soon.

You obviously regret it thus continued trying to make it work. However, we all make mistakes, do no make further mistake of subjecting yourself to being disrespected and further used. Do not try to justify it. Walk away and cut off all contact. You will hurt but heal in time. In future, if you do not want casual sex and more meaningful sex do not give in until you have commitment and know the guy is serious about you.

You were naive but do not let this define your future relationships. Take it as a harsh lesson and seek better for yourself as you deserve so much better.

Tim

@Lazysnorlax, I will not lie, a few years down the line she did come back. However, I had grown, done the work on myself to realise it was not a healthy relationship. I chose then to walk away.   I’m in a much healthier relationship now. So do not give up, take time, and realise what you deserve. Reading you didn’t want to conjure hate for her is a testament to how much you love her. She lost out, not you. Go live and find someone who will love you in the same way.

Tim

Hi Lazysnorlax,

I’ve been in a very similar situation where my ex wanted to focus on her own goals and thought the relationship restricted her. We separated but I eventually got her back. However the same reasons and patterns repeated themselves. I treated this woman with the utmost respect, catered to all her needs and was flexible. Yet she never once said I love you or stopped to think, how she could meet my needs. A very selfish way to be in a relationship if all you do is take and not have any responsibility or regard for your partners needs. This meant despite my love for her, her and I were never the right fit. I made some foolish mistakes by leaving my job, putting a deposit down etc. So please so not lose yourself or sink yourself because it is so easy to spiral out of control when you have a person on a pedestal. As Victor suggested move on, work on yourself and don’t hold out hope for someone who couldn’t provide you with what you needed when the time came and instead chose to walk away. It comes from loving yourself first.

Tim

Hi there all,

WOW, I read this and felt a flashback of my own life. I always thought women got over things much more quickly, told each other they can do better, and just moved on so I’m glad it is not just men who seem to suffer this extremely too. Not that I want anyone to suffer as I did.

I read the first and last page so don’t know the ins and outs but @shelbyville but I had a very similar scenario, my very first girlfriend I too believed was the one, the best, and had an aura about her. However, after the initial honeymoon period wore off she split up with me even though I had fallen in love she said at the time she wanted to focus on her career, she didn’t want to worry about the responsibility and didn’t realise a relationship would be so much work. I treated her like a queen, I was crushed. I tried to offer her support and understanding to help achieve her goals but clearly it was not enough.

I hit rock bottom because it was the first time I had ever fallen in love. I didn’t know what I was feeling because I had never experienced pain like it, my emotions were overwhelming. I went off the rails after our initial split.

I didn’t understand what was happening to me. The emotions overwhelmed me to the point I had a mental breakdown. My family was devastated, nothing was helping, they then out of desperation I guess dangled the carrot, convinced me to see a therapist and said I would then be able to woo her back. I was determined and I did. We got back together but after another year we had not moved forward in our relationship in any significant way, my I love you was not returned, she was not putting forth the same effort and reluctant to set concrete plans with me but she enjoyed my company and the way I spoiled her. I left my job which I loved to support her career just so we could be closer, I started saving for our forever home and put down a deposit on a home for us. I did everything I could but it still was not enough, she ended it again. I was depleted and destroyed.

I again spiralled out of control all because I had loved a woman who clearly didn’t love me but when you are in it you are so blind, I almost ruined my entire life for someone else. My good network pulled me out with some further therapy. I pulled myself together and began to focus on myself and my own goals. In that space, she never once wanted to get back together but I had still not learned my lesson, I pined after her and even got spurned another 2 times. Finally, some common sense and dignity kicked in.

About 2 years post final break up, lo and behold my ex started reaching out, she had done everything in her career and was feeling directionless, she realised the grass isn’t greener on the other side. She now probably because the clock was ticking, her friends had all settled, she thought I would make a good enough partner and “consistent Mr. nice guy” was going to be there waiting to pick it back up.

But guess what? I had gone away and grown up, I was no longer a fool. Four rejections later I was not going to set myself up for the inevitable fifth which may happen midway into married life when she finds me not to be enough again. She never gave me 100% back then, then why would a piece of paper change that? I no longer wanted to settle for a relationship where I would have the constant thought, she could leave when bored or things got tough as she always walked away from the responsibilities of being in a relationship. Relationships where there is solid commitment i.e. marriage/civil ceremony/ serious cohabitation/children and problems arise should be worked on . However, if there is a relationship where a partner is not committing beforehand then after giving it one chance, walk away, run even for your own sanity. I have one word: TOXIC! Continue at your own peril because it will leave you as a shell of your former self.

With hindsight I realised she cared deeply but never loved me to begin with as she was too selfish, she never said it and that was the first red flag. I had her on such a pedestal because of my own fears and issues that I made excuses for her not telling me she loved me, I made allowances when she let me down when I sacrificed a lot. We just were not suitable partners because we couldn’t meet each other’s needs. I loved hard as it was my first ever love, I will always love her but that pain of not being enough when I gave her my everything, planned our future and had it ripped away, taught me I don’t want that type of love. The subsequent consequences it had on my life whilst she just carried on really helped to take her off that pedestal and tend to myself. I nearly destroyed me.

I, unfortunately, was so wounded by this relationship I did start to despise myself for being “nice, soft, etc” I wondered what went wrong when I gave my heart and love. I despised myself thus turned into a manipulative piece of shit who was just chasing an emotional bandaid, that stereotypical bad boy that most women long for but after I went too far and hurt others I realised I had become part of a vicious cycle of perpetuating toxic relationships. I found from therapy and introspection, I didn’t like that person at all. I have returned to being the nice guy I always was at heart, my authentic self, and of course I suffered for it, I won’t lie. I still have been dumped, I endured, however, because I knew if I lost the ability to open up/let a woman in, I would never have that level of closeness that I very much wanted beyond the sex, the real companionship I desired.

Now I’m in a very stable relationship. It isn’t the extreme highs and lows and thrill or rush you get in an on/off-again relationship from the never-ending drama. It is a feeling of stability, maturity, I am being me and I feel serenity for being accepted as me. It may work out, it may not but I now accept that.

So @shelbyville or anyone else reading in similar circumstances despite gender, it all boils down to the same question, your biggest barrier is; can you love yourself? All those things you are hating within yourself is actually who you are. If you have flaws change them, but do not diminish your good traits if one person rejected you. Or else you will continue to chase relationships with people who do not accept you wholly for whatever reason, you like I, took the rejection so much harder and couldn’t recover/let go because subconsciously you are trying to validate yourself still through that person . Pursuing emotional validation is pretty much the life choice equivalent of opting for a life of torture, you will remain as you are unless you accept the outcome and learn to be ok with yourself, The deeper reasons why you need validation lays with your parents often you sought approval but never received it, have discussions with them too.

THE CURE: Time heals you, but to stop the same mistake you need to do the work and do the opposite of chasing emotional validation allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a way that you would normally avoid after a failure. It is as simple as that. This means accepting rejection. Not being afraid to be authentic expressing your interests, values, boundaries, opinions, and so on. Not hide or alter to avoid being rejected and the “confirmation” that comes alongside it. It is when someone accepts you like that you should consider giving your heart to that person.

I became a better man. I hope this helps you or anyone finding themselves in such a spiral of hell. Took a lot to get here but it was needed to make me stronger. It can also be avoided by not being blinded by our love and seeing things objectively. If you can not see it ask your closest ones for their true opinion and they will tell you the hard truths. Embrace these truths and change your attitude. Do not set yourself up for a life of loneliness, misery chasing the approval of the person who clearly did not choose you. You are more than that until you accept you and love thyself you will remain unhappy.

Tim