Hi @Sammy,

Lordy, you have really got yourself in a tangle there. I know that feeling too well. Let me remind you even the most difficult knots can be untied or worn away until they disintegrate. By that, I mean whatever is hurting right now will not last. I had no intention to induce tears, I know the expectation of moving forward can be difficult, your nearest and dearest want what is best for you and not to see you suffer but you take your time and work through the feelings at a pace that feels right for you. There is no universal method as I mentioned. You have this forum and also reach out for help if needed with the alcohol. Guidance/support from whomever you trust can keep you heading in the right direction. Better than suffering alone and prolonging your pain.

I’m glad you acknowledge that there is an addiction element occurring in your recovery. Put down that bottle, as hard as those dark and painful thoughts are they need to be faced head-on to move forward. It will destroy you if you allow yourself to numb the feelings. Post on here if you feel you have no one in person to turn to, when you feel you are slipping, one of us can post a friendly but stern warning and motivation to not go there! I used to have a buddy who I would call or text whenever I felt tempted to go back to any 3 of my addictions; ex, alcohol, and gambling. It really worked. It also stops you from feeling so alone. Day by day you muster up enough strength to say NO for yourself, right now you just need a little hand. It is ok to ask for help, it is ok to feel pain from heartbreak. It is no different from having a devastating RTA and needing to recover from several fractured bones. The same happened to your heart, it shattered the shards hit different aspects of you causing pain/wounds to surface. They need to be healed by addressing each issue i.e. self-worth etc. With time and self-love, you will heal, do not give up. Fight for you as you did for that relationship.

Communication helps resolves a lot of our woes, so do not be afraid to talk it out

You asked @shelbyville should you jump into casual dating; from what you said earlier and what you describe you want (a long-lasting, loving relationship) it is of my opinion that this will be the wrong avenue for you to pursue. I did that and it wasn’t good! People got hurt and I only hindered myself further. I’ll explain more below as @shelbyville needs to consider this too.

I could write a whole book to remind you that you are enough, but until you feel it within yourself you will continue to feel inadequate. The mind can be cruel, do not always take its word. Emotional intelligence therapy taught me that we must stop comparing ourselves, as there is only one of us and therefore of course we are enough because no one else can be us. We are unique each holding our own flaws but also many valuable qualities. Everything you have been through play a reverse on it. For example; I felt like a class A fool for returning to my ex; everyone would automatically say that was because I was desperate and needy but alternatively it represented my loyalty and commitment to making something I valued work. Society sets these standards but you should hold yourself to your own set of rules and values and as long as you are doing right by them then you are doing your best.

I want you to think about something, if your ex was the ONE he would have made you feel special, you were missing this element because he did took you for granted or did not give you the merit deserved. Hence why you want to experience it,  YOU WILL FEEL SPECIAL – WHEN THAT PERSON COMES that is someone you DO NOT LET GO OFF! So let go of your ex, let go of that anguish which holds you back. You will immediately recognize the difference of being treated in a special way in future relationships especially since you felt so undervalued in your previous relationship. So just heal and allow yourself to get to a stage when that person does walk into your life, you are ready to grab it and not let fear destroy it (again I had to take the long road to realise this too – see what a mess I was, but the work I did on myself, made me stronger and I got there 🙂 )

@Shelbyville

I have noticed my advice seems to be helpful and I am glad it is relatable, my journey was literally from hell and back. Now I’m a male so some of my advice may be blunt/logical and less comforting nonetheless it is said with greatest of respect for each person’s journey and to offer a perspective from someone who has been through the cesspit.

I had a read of your post above and picked up on a few things, feel free to dismiss my view/thoughts but I recognised my own behaviours in some of what you said.

Flashback!!! I struggled with seeing the hard truths in relation to my ex, I struggled to generate anger for a person I loved with all my heart but boy is this stage so vital in recovery.

Can I tell you how lucky you are that you didn’t have to witness the gut-wrenching moment of your ex moving on, in person!! Thank the powers to be you were saved that at least. I remember the first time I bumped into the ex who was so adamant she wanted to focus on her career and didn’t want the responsibility of being in a relationship yet there she was supposedly moving on with someone else, it was a tsunami of emotions. I felt jealous, I felt betrayed, I felt like a fool for investing so much of myself with someone who never really loved me or respected me enough to say YOU ARE NOT THE ONE but instead continued to enjoy the perks I provided, I felt I had received a hefty punch from Mike Tyson himself which left me so winded. On top of this, I still couldn’t bring myself to ignore her/be impolite when deep down I had my inner self scream YOU BITCH, thank you for almost ruining my life completely and wasting my time and hopping straight into another mans arm. At one point after the initial shock wore off over the coming week, I even for a moment convinced myself she would rebound and return but deep down I knew this was detrimental to my own emotional health because we had tried several times and she dumped me each time and I no longer wanted to deprive myself of feeling content because of her and actually did want to be in a healthy, loving relationship where I FELT loved. This type of revelation can be another major blow to our self-esteem and mental health. So just some pointers do not compare or criticise yourself, have a positive outlook, and acknowledge you have actually just been saved years of more turmoil from someone who couldn’t see your value and love you in the way you deserve. It is a blessing!

I’m not ashamed to admit I am a very romantic man and those rom coms my sister forced me to watch in my youthful years have a lot to answer for. I always want everyone happy, which is a trait you appear to exhibit from reading your posts (people pleaser). It was when I started to realise “Happy ever after doesn’t exist” that I began to actually understand what love is. So do not worry about giving that ending to everyone because it isn’t realistic and you don’t owe anyone anything! If they have that expectation it is on them to figure out do not add undue pressure onto yourself. It is your journey and one thing which you should be proud of is that you are growing and undergoing work to progress. This should make you happy as you are working towards being a better human. Not many have the drive to work on themselves and simply blame others for their issues. Kudos to you!

This is a world where no matter how much is given to us, we can never be satiated, we will always feel there’s more and want more. Those who are able to get into stable relationships have the basic understanding that it requires; communication, empathy, compromise, and focusing on gratitude. Sammy mentioned I was settling (no offense taken whatsoever), however, with experience you learn to manage your own expectations and empathise more with your partner, there can never be a relationship without any disagreement, the one that’s all smiles and laughs and hugs and kisses. You learn not to take things for granted. When life throws you lemons, at times your partner will let you down, but you will pick up the slack on that occasion and vice versa. It’s a fine art of balance from two people who have committed themselves to their love for one another. So no happy ever afters just a commitment and you try and uphold that even when shit hits the fan.

I couldn’t fathom reading 100+ pages (sorry) but I was curious to see what was causing everyone to feel they had caused you to leave this thread, which is where I picked up on a few other things. So when Kkasxo asked about the guy you dated and stopped because you were not ready, I was intrigued. After reading your above response and what you had written a few pages back I instantly recognized a few patterns of behavior in your reply, so I thought I’d give you an insight/food for thought based on the previous descriptions you wrote of the said friend (at least I think it is that one, haven’t read all of the thread!)

It reads to me as if you are convincing yourself of the decision of being just friends. You know your circumstances, however without knowing the exact background but from my own experience, I sense they may have been a little to and fro between you, the indecision from your end (due to ex baggage) resulted in your male “friend” flaking, but quite often it isn’t them as I said in a previous post to Sammy, it is us running due to FEAR. I wrote in more detail about my self-sabotaging, you would have thought after the pain of the heartbreak, the universe would go easier on me! Jesus! The road was tough but I will not elaborate too much you can go back and read it.

Just remember having doubt or anxious feelings is a normal response to change, it usually stems from fear and your own doubts about yourself. I thought my current partner was amazing when I met her but my brain started to compare, transference occurred and I convinced myself out of fear she can’t be right for me, so I acted like a turd and in the same breath, I felt deeply hurt and abandoned when she said she could not continue as we were, she recognised I needed to work on myself. Rather than acknowledging her as a strong woman, who had enough self-respect, self-love to walk away with compassion even though she had feelings, I began to applaud myself for my self-fulfilling prophecy and being right about her walking away from me or using it as an excuse to disguise the pain and loss I was actually experiencing. With time, so more pricey therapy and reflection on the connection, etc. I pulled myself together and went after her determined even if it meant rejection. Her feelings were true, finally, some luck for me, even after that space, she knew we shared a real connection (the older you are the more you realise how hard it is to find that!)  took a punt and so far fingers crossed it is going swimmingly.

So it can pay to take a good look at yourself first when it comes to doubts. It might be your own behaviour towards your potential partner that you are projecting. When I look back I still think fuck what was I thinking? I actually probably didn’t deserve a second chance but I went for it, because what is life if you don’t shoot all your shots and accept the outcome. My therapist said this was actual progress, facing your fears and being vulnerable in ways you are afraid to after past “failures” ( I call them lessons now or joke to my therapist all these events were intense growing pains you get like a child. I was growing into a stronger person just took me longer than most but I got there!)

Interestingly you wrote lines have been drawn, by whom? You or your friend? Are you really ok, you may well be but I said I was going to give you my experience in case there is anything you can take away. It reminded me of myself trying to convince myself I was fine. Usually, it’s a lack of communication that tends to be the true issue in these things, did you mention your surfacing feelings over the past few months and confront them with your friend or are you hiding them from your friend out of fear because lines have been drawn and he could now possibly reject you? Remember though the line between friends and lovers is very thin.

I ask you this as a neutral reader because I know what it is like to have regrets and project when you have been hurt in the past. Reading your past posts the descriptions you wrote about this very close friend (I think it is this one?) were very gushing and indicate feelings brewing pre quarantine to a neutral reader, and although you may be blaming quarantine for amplifying the feelings out of boredom perhaps it was just time, and they are real and have grown? Like KKasxo /questioned you were not ready initially and now you feel it is too late…

All this is just food for thought because I also noticed you are dating 2 people for distraction, a distraction from what? You are running from something because if you wanted a stable relationship you wouldn’t state they are distractions, could it be you are actually still unavailable because of your ex? Or are there conflicting feelings you may be suppressing for this new friend? Being friend-zoned is tough, I posted on another thread about this you may want a read of that.

Either way, my experience, and advice are encounters for distraction never fill any voids, it will affect your own progression and you can convince yourself that the other person is aware that it is casual but the other person could easily end up developing feelings that is another headache you do not need if you do not want to be vulnerable for a real relationship. You only have to read my story to know I was a POS who hurt a few women before I found a strong woman who put me in my place by walking away until I fixed up.

Being unavailable is our responsibility and we shouldn’t toy with others feelings to make ourselves feel better . Don’t make my mistakes, because if you are a decent human being, eventually the guilt will overcome you, the sleepless nights when someone good gets caught in the crossfire all because of our own issues is not worth it for a momentary pick me up. It just feeds the cycle of toxicity and results in self disgust and exacerbates our already low self-worth. I know most women think us men are jerks but same applies to us, we are not void of emotions we hurt too when used, we feel pain too and I’m the only male voice on here so I want to put it out there don’t do unto others what you don’t want done unto you.

I also feel a lot of FEAR is playing into your job worries. Doubts? Ride the wave of change, change is not always as daunting as you think. If you land an opportunity, grasp it because I have become redundant, but stay positive, with the correct mental support in place you will make it through. It is a lot, people are feeling dejected and hopeless because of the uncertainty but we are all in the same boat so do not let this worry add to the anxiety you feel and stop the work in progress.

@Lucie

You sound as if you have had a very tough experience, I want to say if you wish to talk this is a safe, non-judgmental community that can help. I have had a lot of therapy so if you need free tips or even cheekily to ask my therapist hypotheticals, I will be more than happy to help. However, to really overcome deep-rooted issues, you may still need professional help and I hope you can find avenues through charities or your GP? Where are you based? There is a website called SupportIV which offers 1-hour free therapy, you may wish to post anonymously there to see if it helps. It is a group session but sometimes you get lucky and find a 1-1 session. There are a few more if you google them too. We can only provide help based on our own experiences and hope it will help someone enduring something similar.

@KKasxo

I would hate to leave any lady out, although it seems you have a good handle of things currently, you seem very resilient given the snippet of posts I’ve read and have taken strides to adapt to your life sentence (PTSD). If you ever need a male perspective on this infamous Mr. A, do drop a message, happy to help. I feel giving back will help others and atone me for my sins haha! A man can hope!

@Shelbyville, it’s a pleasure to have your acquaintance. You were in demand, it seems! Thank you for the compliments on my insight, it is good to know my personal shit show was worth it if it helps others  😉 You offer a lot of sound advice, yet you seem to be stuck after reading your latest post? Anything I can aid with?

@Sammy

I’m no expert but sounds like this isn’t just heartbreak but signs of depression occurring alongside, you need to PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE! You are doing yourself no favours. As Shelbyville mentioned alcohol simply numbs your emotions so you think you have better control but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Trust me, I spiralled into both alcohol and gambling addictions just to get that dopamine hit. Adding another addiction to the one you have for your ex is not the answer, it will prolong your journey. Let all those emotions pass through even if they are confronting/painful. I suggest you consult with your GP and perhaps look into some counseling/therapy. It might be an avenue worth trying because of how you are using alcohol as a crutch. I’d hate for you to spiral or hit rock bottom. It’s been 4 months, I would not be worried about where you are at, everything you are feeling currently is normal especially after 4/5 years together, you definitely are being too self-critical and not acknowledging the small victories and progress. There is no timeline and no universal method to heal from heartbreak, some people do have the ability to get over things quickly because of their own self-belief, faith/religion or because they didn’t actually open up/be fully vulnerable in the first place others like myself/ people on these forums struggle quite often because there are underlying unresolved issues from childhood or poor self-worth, etc. What you should know is with work, growth can occur. You have the ability to steer your life towards success/happiness. I’m an example despite the turns I took that life does get better if you proactively work towards goals or choices which are in your best interest.

“What’s it even like to have someone love you like you loved? What’s it like to feel special? What is a healthy relationship?”

Ah, Sammy, I can see you are low and it saddens me you feel unloved but you are loved by just looking at the family you’ll see they all love you unconditionally for who you are. Just because your ex, one person, didn’t choose you does that now make you unlovable? NO!

In the context of romantic relationships, let me tell you to be able to love openly and selflessly like I’m sure you did hence you felt the loss so deeply requires courage and is such a magical trait, don’t lose it.

In a healthy relationship, you’ll notice the love is the enduring kind that develops over time. When you begin to share your life with someone whom you treasure and who treasures you, you have some shared interests, goals and dreams, you always keep avenues of communication open, compromise, when you hold yourself to the highest standards of moral, ethical, physical and emotional standards because you both bring the best out of each other.

So it is incredible when someone understands you, recognises your quirks and flaws, and loves you even more. When you start admiring and loving your inner-self, then you will realise the difference of loving & being loved.

“What’s it like to feel special? “

I think for men and women it is dependent on their love language how they are made to feel special for example, I like to feel appreciated and expression of affection and love through physical touch and words. I like the odd surprise too.

It is a beautiful feeling when someone reciprocates equally and makes you feel special. If you are special to someone do not lose them. Because it’s a feeling very hard to describe and hard to obtain because a lot of people are fickle and selfish.

You feel special when you share real intimacy, people associate the word intimacy with sex but it is so much more than that. It’s about being open, sincerely wanting to understand, learn from, care for, enjoy, like, and love the person you’re with — for who they are.

Is it really better for you with your new partner or is it settling because you can’t have your ex?

Sammy, after you have been through the wars like us, if you haven’t learned what love should feel like then you need to perhaps go back for another round to know what your ex was offering is definitely not love! I’m not settling, my ex actually came back but I had grown, I walked away. When I ran into a mutual friend, she informed me that at the time my ex reached out to me she had actually just been dumped. Go figure, she thought of me as sloppy seconds still even so by then I had no desire to return. Like I mentioned once chance otherwise it is a path towards self-destruction. So yes, currently things are better with my new partner, she is understanding, communicates, and makes me feel special and loved in ways my ex never could.

Don’t lose hope in a brighter future, it is time, work and making better decisions! So step 1 – ditch the booze.

@Sammy

From my understanding @shelbyville the original author of this thread is missed? I suggest you keep tagging and she may pick up on a notification. Happy to help. I don’t think you should be feeling guilt?? I’m oblivious to what has happened on this forum, however as far as I know it is an open forum so you are able to comment on any thread?

@Kkasxo anything I can help with? I regularly post on here. Happy for you to bend my ear.

Hi Carrie,

I wasn’t sure how you would receive my feedback as it was rather blunt. However, from my own experiences, I have learned that the hard truths are often needed to help oneself. It takes a lot of courage to recognise sometimes the problems stem from within ourselves, so well done on facing the issues head-on rather than trying to run away entirely to avoid the conflict.

It is important to recognise asking for help is a key step in the right direction, like you said as a child building defense mechanisms or walls helps you to survive but as an adult, one must break down these walls and be vulnerable to learn to deal with what life will inevitably throw our way to live a truly rich, happy and fulfilled life. Living in fear is akin to not living at all. Continuing to live life closed off and in fear only exacerbates anxiety and makes you more maladjusted, it will influence everything you do and in context of relationships as you have found it will cause self-sabotage. From what you described the man in your life was attentive, loving, vulnerable, and willing to meet your needs. These are the characteristics one deserves in a loving partnership.  Yet somehow your mind because of FEAR has reinforced and convinced you he is not the “one”/ he is going to hurt you/ his wonderful traits are not what you deserve/ his good traits are off-putting. The brain does this when confronted with a change from the norm,  simply because for so long you have become accustomed to not feeling worthy due to the toxic or abusive relationships formed in the past. If you were to remove all emotions clouding you and assess this person on his individual merits I assure you, you would kick yourself for being foolish. I have done the exact same, but I knew it was an issue within me, so I sought therapy whilst taking space from my partner. COMMUNICATION is your ally, you need to reach out and explain. If he is able to overcome his pain and give a chance then use this opportunity to go away and do the work on yourself to be a better version of yourself, if he is unable to overcome it then that is ok because it still has prompted you to seek help and hopefully once the issues have been worked on you can live a more fulfilled life. Whats happened has happened, quite often we live in the past, look forward and let the future unravel as it may knowing you are becoming a better person regardless. I wish you all the best if you need any other perspective don’t hesitate. Use this as a force to improve, don’t dwell or you will end up self-pitying and spiraling further from what you actually want.

Tim

Hi Sammy,

I did not receive a notification and have only just read your message. Do not be so critical, but be aware enough to know where it could lead if you do not keep things under control. In heartbreak, there is no universal method of overcoming it, each individual reacts differently. I remember at the time  I read an article about limerance, how for some letting go and moving on is so difficult that it isn’t just heartbreak but more pathological and should be classed as a mental disorder. This was enough to shake me up and want to put forth the effort to grow because I could tell I was desperately clinging on, trying to think of ways to rectify it or make something work which when looking at objectively and removing the emotions, it was not the right fit for me. I was scared I was going to become obsessive after reading that article, so I got more therapy. For me, it helped rectify the issues which were causing me to think in those ways. This was by working on my own self worth mainly, not looking for validation from my ex and developing coping mechanisms.

For you, you seem like you have a smart head on your shoulders and you may just have loved him dearly to the point those emotions blinded you to the truths. When we have good self-worth, are strong and courageous even if we love the person, in the end, we still walk away for ourselves, we acknowledge even with the extra effort our needs are not met and we deserve to have a healthy balanced relationship but when we are lacking this within us it is when we can’t let go. After my ex had selfishly accomplished her dreams or goals she found like most the grass was not greener and ended up after 2 years trying to get back together. I had done the work on myself and realised my needs and worth. In the end, I was the real winner, I had opened my heart to love, it had hurt me but I had grown so much and learned not to repeat those mistakes.

Just try to write a list to see if you can distinguish which it is. When looking at the cons if it isn’t reassuring you that you are better off and deserve more, then maybe you need to see a therapist, see if deeper issues are causing you to desperately want to retrieve?

How long has it been? You may just be rushing and not allowing time to heal too. Although my best friend thinks the whole ordeal of heartbreak ends the moment you want it to, the control is within us. Just have to say enough is enough and power forward through any stumbling blocks. He is right, I reached a stage I was tired of feeling crap, low and sad about someone who I knew was off living her best life without any care in the world for the trail of destruction she had left behind. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself, but for some of us, it takes guidance and support to rebuild that confidence but I took the steps without looking back.

My new partner is amazing, I do value her as she deserves now, I’m lucky to have someone who was willing to work with me to grow. She often also says she is lucky to have me although sometimes those thoughts of why creep in, I’m running with it, and day by day I feel happier because I see she genuinely is just as happy and shows her appreciation. It will happen for you too, it’s actually a good thing you have chosen to work on yourself first before jumping into something new to try and fill a void. That would be a step backward as for a short while it will be fun but once again you’ll hit those same unresolved issues and you could end up sabotaging a potentially good relationship with someone new (like me)

We try to hold on to hope, and that holds us back. Don’t hold back anymore and move on. You deserve more. You deserve the best. Believe that. We all deserve someone who feels lucky to have us as their partner. Nothing less than that.

Tim

Sammy, you sound a little merry from reading your reply! Slow down. You are trying to rush through the process, when you do that you will not heal sufficiently.

To go cold turkey without the right support when cutting out an addiction is risky. In most cases, you return back to where you started. Prepare a plan or goal. Do you intend to quit forever or do you just want to reduce the amount to a healthy level? Inform people around you so they help, try and reduce your units first by reducing the amount you consume at home then consider social environments. Then it boils down to company and influences; if you want to quit entirely then who you associate with has a huge influence. If you have a circle that will encourage you and not respect your choice then continuing to associate with negativity like that will draw you back in unless you also give up these connections. I quit entirely because for me alcohol was more of a crutch to deal with my social, performance anxiety, and numbed my emotions. In context of relationships, you see with my ex I needed the dutch courage to be extremely physically intimate, and even in my flings after. I have always had a strong need for physical connection but I struggled to feel the emotions and confidence, the alcohol was a poor substitute for true intimacy. It wasn’t until I went sober and worked on my self-esteem and met my current partner who is just a social drinker and I felt this strange sense of security as I could be myself, be present because we both were being vulnerable with one another. The intimacy is great sober; I no longer rely on alcohol to take risks or retain control of my emotions. There’s a freedom in discovering your desires and manifesting what your body is capable of on its own without relying on alcohol and feeling self-conscious.

Therapy has enabled me to see that emotions are meant to be expressed not suppressed. Understanding why you feel something, labeling it, and tackling it is so much healthier and requires strength. Anyone who tells you otherwise is immature, underdeveloped as a person. The ability to form or have emotional understanding is one important aspect of emotional development and an incredibly critical life skill. That may also be something you want to work on because it will make handling situations like this easier. High Emotional Intelligence is a rare trait to possess naturally according to my therapist, but something which should be aspired to as it leads to stronger connections and can be built on. For example, my ex lacked self-awareness, didn’t have the EI but didn’t want to do the work so she lacked the sensitivity, she couldn’t automatically sense, through active awareness and empathy, the shifts in the dynamics of our relationship that required a need for action to allow me to feel more secure so although I loved her a lot she couldn’t fulfill those deep needs. At the time I thought it was the best love ever, I wouldn’t experience anything greater again. However, with growth it became apparent the kind of love we all dream of—deep intimacy, mutual kindness, real commitment, soulful caring comes from having empathy and high emotional intelligence to be able to assess the situation and adapt.

Do you need therapy? That I can’t answer. Therapy has changed my life but it is highly dependent on how motivated you are, the rapport you establish, and what you seek. My therapist was very forthcoming with the truths and didn’t soften the blows which ultimately helped me to become a better person. I have developed the skills now to be more self-sufficient and have suitable coping mechanisms. There are many people who do not want growth and carry on with their lives and allow time to do its thing in terms of healing but remain stagnant in terms of emotional growth. There are some individuals who have the ability to reflect and the mental strength to self assess and nurture the change and heal by themselves and grow from the lessons without therapy ( I envy these people lol). So it depends on the type of person you are, you should never feel a sense of shame for seeking help. In the end, it all comes down to your own effort as it will be yourself who actually makes the movement and implements the change to get the wheels in motion to move you towards healthier choices.

I think your self worth is kicking in as you recognise what YOU deserve. It is completely common to feel lonely, but you need to sit through it and feel content with being alone before seeking a serious relationship as the relationship will never fill the void. No offense taken, I wasn’t very kind to the women like I was with my ex, I had begun to think because my ex rejected me I had to change certain qualities which made me the “nice guy” so instead of working on my own boundaries I went the opposite way I strung them along and I used them without giving anything in return. I felt uneasy but carried on doing it until I met my current partner, she was different, we connected and somehow she saw something in me but called me out on my behavior with compassion. I was an idiot and had to lose her to realise but that made me return to therapy to fix up and face some further hard truths. I learnt with space, I had someone who understood me, who accepted me and I had made a massive mistake and let go of a good woman. That’s a whole different story but thankfully I realised in time. I reached out and apologised to the other women I hurt and they too were gracious enough to assuage my guilt. Although with my ex whom I had given everything and tried my hardest, along the way I was a prick too, but you live and learn. To be with someone who accepts the weaknesses and flaws is a nice feeling.

We all have baggage, it’s how we carry and deal with it that establishes what and who we become. Do not let it weigh you down Dump the baggage which belongs to the past, grab a new bag for your new journey ahead! Hope this helps you. It will get better!

Anytime, Sammy, I’m happy to offer any advice I can on this forum to help others avoid the pain I had to face.

Well done on winning a few battles there; not using the alcohol as a crutch, not letting the date overwhelm you to the point you hop back on the bus leading to nowhere new and most of all reaching those stark realisations.

After being with someone for a period of time, it is natural to feel that void and miss them. Those of us who give our full energy to the relationship find it harder to re-adapt I think.  I think this is because partly we had begun to envisage a reality which we so badly craved but in essence did not exist. To try and come to terms with the non-rose-tinted view is a shock to our system. Questions begin to swirl, was it all a lie? why wasn’t I enough etc ..trying to answer these will just leave you in a worse state.

You just need to find your new normal much like we are now post lockdown. Humans are survivors. Time keeps moving and you can sit back and drive yourself insane and waste years or take it by reins and control the one thing you can – your mindset.

To move forward, I suggest you grieve the loss and accept that the relationship is over. Take a good amount of time to be by yourself, rediscover you. With on/off relationships your self-esteem takes a hammering so take the time to be confident in yourself again.  No matter how hard you tried it was never going to be the right fit for yourself. It doesn’t mean you can’t find another one that will be.

I will be real with you, I went off the rails, jumped into dating to fill a void, I perpetuated the toxic relationship pattern and I felt sick for doing so and hurting a few women. I had enough empathy left and my conscience made me realise what I was doing was hurtful for everyone involved so I sought therapy again and rectified those mistakes and I’m lucky those women are in good relationships now and we are still acquainted. One of those women is my current relationship. So until you are fully over the ex and ready to risk being vulnerable and face rejection, my advice is to steer clear of relationships.

I being a male, probably can not relate to the intimacy concerns in an exact way. However, fears are normal especially after having your heartbroken by the very person you were entirely vulnerable with.  The therapy I received was great and once I had decided I wanted to dip my feet in the pool again and be fully open and willing to face rejection or face another heartbreak because I had equipped myself with the tools or mechanisms to cope. The first heartbreak is the hardest as you have no idea of the pain you will feel but subsequently it makes you stronger.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the fear of being emotionally or physically close to another individual. This is where it comes down to a bit of luck and your ability to overcome your fears. The woman I’m with now didn’t make me feel like an asshole, she understood I had been through the wars, understood me and gave me the space to recover. I knew if she slipped through my fingers, I would have been the biggest fool, so the chance she gave me after therapy I changed my outlook and now it is going well. We met each others friends recently and it reassured me that a good healthy relationship is possible as long as you communicate.

Before the last round of therapy, I made the mistake of comparing and transference. It is when you start to compare, your fear takes over and you act out. You will end up sabotaging something with potential the moment you do that, I can guarantee you will convince yourself your ex was better because you are not allowing yourself to experience a relationship in the same way you did with your ex, especially if it was your ex was your first real relationship. You are also on the lookout for any flaw which will reaffirm your ex was the best. This is dangerous as unless you open your heart again and be willing to assess an individual on their own unique merits by giving it the time to flourish naturally, you will screw up relationship after relationship and lose out on your own potential happiness. Like intimacy, for example, on my first few dates with my current partner, I had all these expectations, partly being a male but I didn’t realise how unfair I was being, the things I loved about my ex took months to develop and to expect that right away from someone new was immature and I had not completely grown, even transference was occurring when I though my current partner was going to do something the ex did but in reality, they are doing nothing at all and when I discussed this with my current partner after we reunited she was so understanding. It was all FEAR. I almost ruined this relationship by not giving it a real chance.

The physical intimacy, do not worry about when you have a partner who meets your emotional needs and is understanding that part will happen. You will not be loner, learn from the experience but do not let it control your mindset. Take time out, work on other goals, when you re-enter the dating arena be ready to go in open-hearted, confident and leave the past where it belongs so you can give the person in front of you a real chance.

Tim