@Lucie

Wow, I feel overwhelmed and deeply touched by your message. It appears you like things balanced although I expect nothing in return that is a wonderful quality which shows your gratitude and awareness. It will stand you in good stead and keep you moving. That message alone has balanced the books, so thank you Lucie. It was very thoughtful and kind of you.

It has also made me realise I’m not quite ready to give back and deal with the additional emotions associated with this forum, I’ll keep reading and reach out if someone is in desperate need of help but I’m still too devastated. It may seem odd to most but Rupert’s death was unexpected and he was very much my anchor especially during that dark phase of my life. His loss hits me harder as the days pass. Please do not worry though, I have a wonderful partner and family who understand and are supporting me. Your words have helped me tremendously during this time. It is heartening to read there has been some light cast in your journey, keep following it doll, it will lead to better days. The St John’s Wort you mentioned is something I will look into, it may help to taper of this current emergency dosage sooner rather than later. Thank you, you are full of pearls of wisdom. You are not defined by your trauma. It may be a part of you but it is not the whole of you.

Kudos to you for building bridges with your mom, you’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river so it’s good in life to not burn bridges with the people who may have made mistakes but when all is said and done still love us, kindness builds bridges not walls. If someone is putting in the effort to reach out to you accept it with humility.

You’re a intelligent woman, your advice to @Shelbyville and @Sammy reflects that. I’m proud of you Lucie. Keep up the good fight!

@Sammy

It’s OK to make a retreat so as to advance better. I will try to be here hopefully if and when you choose to return. Recharge those batteries, i know you gave the courage to fight. Thinking of you.

@Rhaenys

I would like to think with growth I have an objective and fair view, but being a man I can be direct at times. I genuinely do not believe you said anything out of turn, Sammy just needs time. She is self aware and she she will return if/when she wants, if not do not carry any guilt. It is unnecessary in this instance.

Life is cyclical, sometimes you unfortunately get stuck in a rut again but it is important to take lessons from experiences to not repeat the same mistakes.

I wasted a lot of time on a past relationship trying to make it work you can read my previous posts for an in depth insight. The signs were all there pointing to the obvious demise. I stayed too long. I prolonged my suffering. However, I do not regret it in that instance as it was needed to make me stronger. To repeat that mistake now would mean I learned nothing, but I did the hard graft and it’s paid dividends.

You seem to be repeating your pattern very much like @Shelbyville. The reason is because you have not done enough work to discover who you really are, what you actually need in a relationship and how to really love yourself. Society and social media feeds us with the narrative that in order to be worthy we must meet certain standards we must be married, have children, have a high salary job etc in X amount of time. It adds pressure, whilst chasing that we fail to sit with ourselves, we fail to appreciate and love ourselves. Instead we berate ourselves for not being where others are. We compare, we become ungrateful and we lose ourselves in the process. Then we search for something to fill that void be it a relationship or another vice.

When I first met one of my partners cousin who is of a similar age to yourself, an extremely intelligent woman with high flying career, beautiful, kind and humble very much like my partner. I made the mistake of asking her why she was still single and if she felt her biological clock ticking. After the initial glare that almost pierced my soul. I remember exactly what she said;

“Tim, I have had the heartbreaks. Each relationship made it even more clear that I was worth more than I’d allowed myself to have in a relationship. I’m content being alone it affords me freedom but if someone wants to be a permanent part of my life and create life with me, I have learned they have to enhance it. Meaningful companionship is essential but my life is still fulfilling and valuable in the absence of a relationship. Even with past experiences I’m open to it, I simply am yet to meet him but you’ll be very mistaken to believe whilst waiting I’m going to waste my days worrying trapped by dogma, no Tim, I’m going to live my best life.”

That short interaction exuded so much positive energy it rubbed off on me. Surround yourself with the kind of people who encourage a positive change in one’s behaviour especially when the chips are down.

That is proof if you have high self worth, you will always remain true to who you are and love yourself regardless of your circumstances and where you are on the “timeline”.  You can still feel fulfilled and walk away from relationships that are unfulfilling with the belief you will be content and a better future awaits.

You attract and want to keep what you believe you deserve. If you have low self worth you’ll stay in very long relationships as you have but they will all end as they never met your needs. Your values were never aligned to begin with. You stayed to fill a void.

So I think if you commit to therapy, look into codependency, attachments and practice self love you’ll learn to let go of being in love with the ideals in your head, you’ll break the pattern of negative loop feedback and seeking relationships as a form of validation of your worth.

Instead you’ll manifest it when the timing is right. When you are in a relationship you’ll make wiser choices and choose someone who actually enhances your life too. At the moment you are living in fear. Fear of losing someone. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved so you end up settling or choosing the wrong ones. Etc.

That is no way to live and will just make you more sad and more anxious.I’ve been there. Believe in yourself and enjoy life don’t be in a rush to be where you think society expects you to be. You will no longer court wastes of times – the ones who play push/pull games and make you fall hard with the electric chemistry, but don’t want to commit, the ones with ambiguous intentions, the ones with nothing important to say or add to your life, the ones who believe in so little who exist simply to entertain themselves through selfishness.

Be better, feel better from within and start appreciating all that you bring to your own life. You are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting and keeping. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. Then you’ll naturally find the RIGHT one if it’s meant to be, who cares, respects, support and cherishes the ground you walk on and hopefully you’ll be wise enough to not sabotage and throw it away.

Good luck Rhaenys, hopefully the others on the forum will contribute if you need further support.

@Sammy

Apologies for my absence, Rupert’s death has really taken its toll on me and I also have a lot of other things occurring simultaneously which has made me feel exhausted. I wanted to be in a clearer frame of mind to reply to posts. Doll you were doing so well, I gather you are no longer sober anymore? That’s ok, from my own experience I can attest growth is never linear, it has its peaks and troughs. You are always welcome to reach out for support on here it is the purpose of such forums, to seek anonymous support when you feel unable to reach out in person. There is nothing wrong with that. However, @Rhaenys has a valid point in the sense there will be a time when I or @Shelbyville are unavailable at the exact moment but I want to try and encourage you in your journey e.g when you cried out for help and ended up drinking because we didn’t see your message in time. Where was your buddy?

Come back on here when you are ready and we can talk, in the meantime flush down the remainder of the booze, and let’s start again yeah? You will get there. You have been giving very sound advice from what I read so don’t be hard on yourself but do apply some of it to yourself. I’m here to correspond when you are ready. Bare with me if I am slow, just acclimatising myself.

@Rhaenys

Not sure of your backstory but you have some very good techniques in place. Working on oneself before jumping into a relationship will do you wonders. It will address any underlying issues and make you choose better. Good luck in therapy and well done for taking that huge step despite your initial resistance. Hopefully, it will make a significant difference.

@Kkasxo

Sounds like things have been unsteady for yourself also. If you ever need that male advice, I’d be happy to offer my assistance.

@Lucie

Doll, I have been to therapy and enquired about PTSD so if you need any guidance, let me know. Reading your insights for Shelbyville was heartwarming and very articulate. I too assumed you were fairly young, however as a college graduate, the world is your oyster, keep up the good fight and change your life!

@Shelbyville

Looks like you and I have both been through the wringer, vastly for different reasons. However, I too had to go onto an SSRI for a month just to get me back on my feet after Rupert. So I completely understand, never feel guilty for doing what is best for your own wellbeing. Reading your posts this new guy has really created a mind fuck of his own. I will just say I have been through a tough few weeks but a caring, supportive, and loving partner by my side made a remarkable difference. So whether you are with a new guy or taking time out currently, always look for a partner who will show you that emotional understanding and maturity it has an immense change in your anxiety, wellbeing, and future life. I have been through different relationship patterns so if you need an insight do let me know. In the meantime, you too keep up the good fight, as long as you are willing to grow and not apathetic, change will come.

@Lucie doll, I am happy to read you are seeking help outside the realm of this forum. I believe it will change your life. You are so brave, every one has a voice which deserves to be heard. There is more to you then your trauma. You expressed your thoughts to @Shelbyville wonderfully and deeply moved by the concept of time and attention. Something Rupert gave abundantly and unconditionally, we deserve that from humans too. When Shelby reads it I’m sure she will be touched.

@Shelbyville I hope the recent absence means you have managed to survive and are now keeping your head above the water and things have improved with work and your current relationship situation. Do let us know even if briefly how you are doing, reading your last paragraph was tough. I hope things are brighter for you.

@Sammy I am moved by the kindness shown in offering condolences by all. Thank you for your sympathy and support during this difficult time when I know life is not very rosy for yourself either currently. Your recent posts have shown so much progress, how astute and perceptive you are. Apply all this knowledge and stay away from the bottle. You’ll rise again and find better. Keep an eye on the others on this thread, it will keep you focused and offer overall growth as a human being.

I am devastated by my loss. Rupert played a significant role during my darkness and for him to no longer be in my life is a void I’m currently finding unbearable. I’m not ready to discuss his memories, they are too painful and only highlight the loss more. I will try my best to reply or help when I can but I apologise in advance if you run into trouble or a dip and I’m not available immediately.

keep going, keep growing, keep the spirit of this thread alive all.

Tim.

Lost my best friend, my dog Rupert. A lot of people will not understand the loss but part of me has died too. He was by my side for 14 years. I feel a pain I’ve never felt. I just need to get my head around it. So don’t worry. Keep encouraging each other @Sammy and @Shelbyville. When I get brief periods of respite I’ll respond as much as I can.

I am grieving at the moment which is why I need some time away, I read some of the posts and felt compelled to respond because it may reassure and help you @Shelbyville.

The majority of what @Sammy said was surprisingly true ( Sammy, you should act on your own advice otherwise it is hypocritical 😉 ) but Shelby doll, it is something you may want to really reflect on after tomorrow. I suffered a lot of insecurity or low self-worth and as a man, it is almost worse as everyone has this expectation you should be an Alpha male, strong, etc. It made me do some things I’m not proud of and I admit I was a sub-par partner for a while. I have evolved into a completely rounded individual and it has benefited me in all aspects of my life; relationships, work, etc. You can’t fake true confidence.

What I don’t think has been highlighted is your intuitiveness and given how aware you are I do not think you are being entirely irrational and sabotaging from what you have written. There are clear concerns here, there has been a definite change in dynamic and the feelings it is bringing up are valid. It is very easy to be labelled needy, In fact, maybe the problem isn’t that you’re needy but that he’s incapable of giving you what you need.

You need to determine if the change in dynamic is a direct reaction to your behaviour or is it you actually have someone who is genuinely making you feel like this from not understanding who you are.

I will say this, once the electricity and fireworks fade after the initial period you will be left with the actual reality which is why being yourself from the get-go is important. Never rely on the feelings of intimacy during that period, you can have great sex and still not want to commit. If you want a long-lasting relationship then what should be bringing you closer is being aligned in needs and values. You just have to pay attention to how the energy unfolds as the truth will play out to understand what was built with a solid foundation and whatnot.

You mentioned people think you are something else and disappointed later, which is why you should always be authentic. If they don’t like you for it they are not for you and can shove it. That is when you will find real love and the happiness within yourself too. You need to relentlessly be you, boldly, and unashamedly and love yourself for it.

It is important to be aware of your wants and needs and value system when getting into a relationship and to find out the wants and needs and value system of the person you are dating early on, so you can stop dating if you are not compatible enough. So the fact you are finding it hard to steer the conversation there I understand must be causing anxious feelings. It is not very mature of him. This is basic communication, do not make yourself feel like you are a head wreck for wanting to communicate your concerns. On the flip side if you have thrown out accusations i.e. YOU DO NOT CARE etc instead of stating I feel this is important to me….. then you are to blame.

Anyone who suggests that you are “needy” is simply trying to disparage your feelings on the subject. Again, he is not a bad person for being ok with seeing you less often, and you are not a bad person for wanting more. No one is right or wrong here. Wanting to spend more time with someone you value is a natural tendency. If no compromise can be made then both of you should acknowledge that and move on from this relationship. Anyone insisting on having their way at the expense of the other person then is being immature and deliberately hurtful.

You mentioned panic attacks this is something that has happened to me and my current partner from the very beginning was supportive. However I don’t rely on her to soothe me always, but it is nice to have comfort, and she trying to talk and understand how / what feelings triggered it. She has the emotional intelligence to adapt and assess a situation and that is something I need in a partner; emotional understanding. If you need that then it’s met by confusion then you will no doubt be left feeling anxious.

The fact your new guy was angry with you for being late in itself seems strange for someone trying to then assert independence. You kept him informed throughout the day. Plans sometimes fall through, it is inevitable. As long as there is communication and rearrangement are made then that’s ok. So before you get swept away in lust and let your insecurities heighten because of your inner critic is searching for its own validation, really assess what you are losing in this person.

Having said all this, if after an honest inward assessment, what @Sammy wrote rings true about patterns in your relationship where you develop unrealistic expectations due to needing constant reassurance because of low self-worth/insecurity then I suggest you take time out and work on yourself. Because you don’t want to spend the rest of your days feeling like this checking if a kiss has been added etc it will ruin you.

I’m proof healthy relationships are possible and I was messed up! A couple who doesn’t communicate and has to try to figure out what the other person is feeling is not communicating effectively so tomorrow COMMUNICATE!

So be yourself tomorrow, have fun, express yourself, and keep us in the loop. Good luck doll!

@Michelle Try posting your story in that particular thread it is called “Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after a relationship break up” the people that post in that thread are lovely from what I’ve read and I post advice regularly there to @Sammy.

@Michelle,

Breakups suck, I’ve been there and dealt with all the highs and lows. Maybe you would benefit from posting in a thread on relationships where others are currently at different parts of their journey of heartbreak, lots of great advice there already and support, they are a friendly bunch?

It’s under “Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up.”

If not, I’ll try and keep tabs on this section too and help.