Hello mate,

Kudos to you for being brave! It’s not easy to do especially when you’ve faced heart crushing rejection in the past. You’ve just overcome a major obstacle so be proud!

You need to give yourself some credit. You may have handled things very poorly before but you’ve put in the effort to make amends, better yourself and mature. The above posts reflects that in your actions. You really sound like a boy who has become a man. Someone who is respectful of others emotions, showing vulnerability and giving well wishes if the outcome doesn’t favour you.

Over the weekend try and find something to focus on other than the outcome. Let her decide in peace, be confident if you are meant to be it will be because you’ve done everything possible and proactively. Whatever she decides is her choice. Her feelings are not to be minimised.

You presented yourself well and the rest is down to fate. Don’t let it discourage the growth. Keep yourself propelling forwards regardless of the outcome.

Given what she said, I’d say it really is 50/50. She really did accept and want you but she clearly is a woman of self worth and knows she deserves more. It’s down to her to decide if she wants to risk it to ascertain if you can give her more long term.

I honestly believe reading your posts, you are looking to be your improved self but not willing to lose yourself i.e. beg, be a yes man or contort entirely for the relationship. That will make your relationship healthier and you more attractive to her. She is the same too, not willing to lose her values and accept less.

I think you have a good chance mate, I really do. Fingers crossed for you. If all goes well let me give you some sage advice, man to man and based on my experience.

You will need to build the trust, attraction and respect all over again. Don’t get complacent.

I see resemblance of myself in you. We are both men with high drives. Great sex can sometimes create a false feeling we call love. It’s actually just an attachment to the other that can be strong due to the hormones released. To base a future decision on this is immature. You may think that’s what you need a test run, if you push for that with her you’ll wind up where you started causing her to feel used and disrespected.

From experience, I would say, don’t consider it something that can keep a relationship together over the long haul.

You two seem compatible emotionally and that is significantly more important. In many relationships there is great sex but the other parts like feeling understood,  having emotional needs met, being authentic can begin to feel starved when the sex/lust wears off. Incompatibility becomes an issue.

So consider being each others support, sounding boards, etc more valuable. Building a strong foundation of friendship and then the other parts, you will not go wrong. I promise, if you connect in that way when you eventually do the deed you will be able to communicate each others needs to create fireworks. This is what mature adult relationships entail.

The ones that thrive on drama and highs and lows always end. I speak from experience.

If you need any other advice let me know however I will not be able to respond over the weekend. Don’t do anything foolish! Anxiety can kick in but just sit with it !

Good luck mate👍

Tim

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tim.

Danny boy,

She has a valid point mate by treating people with empathy, kindness using emotional intelligence exhibiting the qualities she did, didn’t make her weak or a simp. If you had been mature enough you’d have realised that then instead of listening to stupid lad bait or social media. Too many people advise playing game’s. This will do nothing but cause you to get confused feelings, whereas it appears she was actually strong for being authentic and sticking to her virtues. Many people don’t know who they are or are inauthentic. You need to be vulnerable, that means putting ego aside, if you are still feeling insecure/unworthy, I’d suggest working on that beforehand so if given the chance you don’t slip into those bad habits.

I read the other thread. I do think you are being sincere and not looking for another notch on your belt. I understand your reasoning perhaps you didn’t word it very well. So don’t let yourself completely spiral! You are growing and commend yourself for being brave and facing her in person to make amends. Many men wouldn’t. So kudos to you.

Just communicate honestly and respect her wishes. I’ll try and reply. If not I hope @Kkasxo @Sammy and @Shelbyville can advise you over the weekend.

Good luck, don’t undo your hard work mate 👍

Hi Lula doll,

Humans are social creatures we form bonds and attachments. Some people attach more than others based on their childhood experience. However, we are also naturally made to survive – survival of the fittest. With time, patience and some self love you’ll lose the attachment but it is something you need to choose to do and then commit to.

You need to let go of him because this person is very selfish. He led you on and used you as an emotional support whenever things were going wrong with his actual girlfriend, he was incapable of self awareness. He should never have engaged in the type of talks with you if he was seeing someone else. It is very disrespectful. You may not see it now but you are better off without this toxic mess in your life. It’s down to him being immature and underdeveloped as a human being. The remorse and guilt is something he needs to work through and hopefully it will make him a better man in the future.

You’re a good person that’s why you do not like seeing others hurt no matter how much others hurt you. However you also have very low self esteem for you to continue this ‘friendship’ with someone who shows you how little he valued you through his actions. Do you not deserve a real boyfriend who gives you his full attention or a real friend who will not violate the boundaries especially if they are dating or ‘serious’ with someone else already?

Don’t feed off a person’s breadcrumbs because that will make you complicit. Don’t try to find excuses to remain in touch. Letting go will be hard but it will be the best thing for your self. Look at the effects it’s having on your studies. You’ve made him aware of his actions, the effect on you. You are not responsible for his guilt. He will need to do the work on himself to grow.

I can’t emphasise enough how you shouldn’t be allowing someone who hurt you, used you then initially denied his part until you spelt it out crystal clear to have this much control over you and your future.

Good luck in your studies, may your hard work pay off in your exam. It’s up to you to decide whether you’ll let this impact your life. You have the power to not let it!

Tim

Hello @Danny mate,

That went very well, from my personal experience I’d say you doing what you did will resonate deep within her. She has a high EI.

Also I noticed @Shelbyville referenced her ex and if I was to use my experience with my first ex as a reference I’d agree with her sentiment that we may be looking for false hope in certain moments. However, in those situations we were the dumpees trying to find validation from the dumper.

Your situation is like what I experienced with my current partner. Although they walked away themselves due to their self worth, we still felt aggrieved but they had actually wanted us but it was us who had pushed them away. Like ‘B’ pointed out we resisted nurturing a relationship with someone who valued us out of fear. So if she is like my partner and really had a soft spot for you, you have just done the best thing in acknowledging your role and apologising.

Strike while the iron is hot, you could take the softly softly approach. Being friends etc but given how you describe her..being direct is your best option.

Tell her you want her if that means proposing to meet her values do it! My partner and I when we reconciled I knew I was going to propose and we are now having a baby.

I read your other thread and Anita’s description of ‘B’ was:

“….seems amazing, an evolved woman, uniquely insightful, intelligent, empathetic..  amazingly mentally healthy and emotionally resourceful and generous.”

I couldn’t agree more mate with all the above. She is one classy lady with a strong sense of self. During my ‘phase’ I met many women but I didn’t meet someone as emotionally intelligent, selfless and kind as my partner. These women are rare, which is why further down the line if you have grown enough, you’ll always regret treating these women wrong.

Anita poignantly said “What are the chances you ever come across a woman like this again?” Plenty of women but very rare to find the gems. She supported you through a very turbulent time, she left with grace and allowed you to get your redemption. So if you are serious about settling down in life, serious about commitment then what you have there is a woman who will stand by you and be your anchor. This life is rough, to have someone supportive,not spooked or rattled by our weaknesses and anxieties makes the journey better.

By proposing it will show you are serious, it will show you are no longer the unavailable, immature boy who was scared of real love.

Bare in mind she may say no but like I said love is a risk. Part of the risk is rejection. Being authentic, vulnerable and showing your true self always is better than putting up walls and not experiencing the real thing.

Keep us updated! I have a good feeling about your chances mate 👍

@Shelbyville

Thank you for you very kind words, I’m beyond chuffed. I still can’t quite believe I’m going to be a Dad to a tiny human being – currently the size of a kumquat!

Rupert would have been a great big bro, very bittersweet. I’m grateful though.

You seem to be under an immense amount of stress. Have you reached out to those around you? Confided in your boyfriend? You’re not alone, I’m happy to offer any guidance or experience whether that’s to do with work circumstances or your relationship. So if you wish feel free to share. There will always be negative thoughts with anxiety and it’s not easy being empathetic and kind in a very demanding world so don’t fight who you are . Just learn to change your response to the negativity. I’m here if you need to talk doll.

Recently I kept receiving notifications but my life has been very chaotic to respond. In short, my partner and I are expecting. It was a shock but we are overjoyed. It cemented my decision to propose even further. I’ve also started a new job since being made redundant. It’s been bittersweet I lost Rupert but I’ll be gaining a new member of the family soon. After reading a few posts I felt impelled to reply.

@Sammy how are you doll? Something deeper is troubling you it seems.. You’ve made so much progress of late, don’t let yourself become defeated now. I sense you feel lost without something to focus your thoughts on. I can imagine helping @Shelbyville then dealing with your ex has given you plenty to tune into. When it comes to tuning out you become unsettled.

This feeling of needing a focus can be a good thing if utilised in a productive manner and used to set career/personal goals but it can also be equally destructive if the thoughts spiral and you become transfixed in a negative thought pattern.

@Shelbyville, I or whoever you feel has not responded might just be extraordinarily busy.

However this does not diminish your feelings in any way. If you feel like thar it is better to voice it always. People around you who care can adjust their behaviour. Don’t let your mind assume your input is irrelevant. You offer a lot of sage advice.

I’ve been on both ends of extremities, with my first ex I people pleased and with the breakup I became selfish to protect myself.

There is an element of you over extending there, you give too much of yourself and when it’s not returned in the form you deliver you feel abandoned sometimes or used.

People by their very nature can be selfish unknowingly. I’ve been guilty of being that myself in the past. So to overcome that feeling of being used, learn to set boundaries. Learn to not have expectations if you want to give because very few people are truly altruistic and selfless.  It’s ok to feel hurt, it’s ok to pull back and take time out. What’s not ok is self loathing and allowing the thoughts to make you feel unhappy/unimportant.

So chin up doll, you have done remarkably well.

@Lucie how are you feeling doll? Has moving back with your mum helped in getting more access to healing yourself? Thinking of you, nausea can be awful with anxiety, lying on you tummy overhanging off the bed and deep breathing helps me!

@Kkasxo you have offered very compassionate insight to Danny quite remarkable. I hope you manage to find peace and pets are an amazing comfort. The unconditional love can be very healing. Again I picked up on Mr A. I will not impart male advice unless you ask but the offer always stands.

@Shelbyville Career change limbo can be draining! Hang in there though because financially the economic market is looking gloomy.

I know the exact feeling you turn up to work feeling uninspired because it’s been an insidious creep of inauthenticity, and it’s eating you from the inside out. You don’t enjoy your job in fact you probably can’t stand it, you become tired of putting on a false pretense.

For me the one thing that’s helped because I can not afford the financial implications of quitting especially with a baby on the way. It’s been my home – my partner. She’s proven to be the anchor. This is why I think it’s really vital in a relationship to have someone who can see your vulnerabilities, anxieties and not become rattled when you need to vent, offers comfort and support when you need to unload, to be the calm amongst the chaos.

Doing something for yourself too as an outlet a side project for me it’s Lego helps tune out. Reduce working hours and again not over extending so taking lunch, taking time to message back your friends and family. I hope that helps. I sympathise with how you feel.

@Danny

Let me state this, you are not an evil person. You have made some schoolboy errors. Let me be your hope at redemption. It’s entirely possible but only if you forgive yourself and commit to evolving into being the improved version, becoming self aware and managing your emotions.

I’m not an advocate for getting back with a toxic ex. My first ex nearly destroyed me. However ‘B’ sounds like a wonderful quality partner..so in the same breath I would never rule anyone out, arbitrarily, just because they were an “ex”.

The biggest question you need to ask yourself truthfully is;

1. Am I doing this out of loneliness? If the answers yes, do not approach her. Leave her alone. You will hurt her again. She does not deserve that at all.

I had a similar experience you did and it made me the man I am today, my previous posts go in depth. I made mistakes but the key is in making amendments and forgiveness.

It’s the only way forward. To give yourself a clean break, let go of the past and start a future anew. She can be a part of your new future, if you fix up for yourself. I’m living proof and about to have a child and marry my own ‘B’ . Good luck mate 👍

@Sammy doll,

Very pleased to hear from you, I knew you just needed space to recentre yourself. You are a courageous woman, fighting addiction is a war. The many mini battles along the way will try you and we are all human prone to mistakes. Please do not be so harsh on yourself. You are doing great!

I do not believe you have been selfish at all, you offered to help me equally as much as @Shelbyville, @Lucie and others on this forum. You all showed a great deal of understanding and compassion for Rupert’s loss, which I’m grateful for. Thank you.

Sometimes we can not make ourselves immediately available to others due our own emotional exhaustion, I understand that. The mark of a good person is when they are in a better space they will reach out, you have done so. Do not carry any guilt. It is a useless emotion in this case.

Proud of you for continuing your efforts to stay sober. As long as you don’t give up. You’ll reach your goal! Well done and kudos for keeping up the good fight.

I’m tapering off my dose, so will be slower to reply, whilst acclimatising back to reality. I’m still wanting to correspond but I know you get a little unsettled when it is not regular replies, so I will attempt to regularly reply on Monday’s as a minimum for you. I’m glad some affection from nearest and dearest has pulled you back from the brink. You are loved. Do not forget that when spiralling.

@Shelbyville has rightly commented there will be no judgement if you decide to contact your ex. We can advise so you don’t face the pitfalls we did but it’s your own choice. I think @Shelbyville will agree whatever the decision you’ll still take away from it, if not now, further down the line. It is all growth.

Contacting exes can be a minefield and complex at times. Sometimes it does wonders and can aid healing if you contact mature individuals, other times it sets you right back and hinders progress.

You have to be prepared to deal with new emotions it may throw up. You will not know how the other person now feels or how they will react. Feelings can change. There’s no right or wrong and you have to do what’s best for you.

The naysayers will always say someone without self worth reaches out to an ex. An ex is an ex for a reason and any attempt of contact is always an attempt to reconcile.

However, there are so many variables, I can list a handful of reasons I have reached out without wanting reconciliation.

GUILT –  from ending a relationship immaturely

ATONEMENT–  Ashamed of a bad phase, hurt a few women unnecessarily. They were gracious enough to forgive. It healed me and I restarted my love life with intent.

NOSTALGIA/CARE–  when a genuine emotional bond is formed. You’ll continue to care about the wellness of the other person. They will cross your mind from time to time.  So I have reached out to make sure a one or two exes were doing OK in life and they are happily married. Now that I’m in a LTR I have consulted my partner out of respect and she is happy for us to be acquainted as she knows who my nature.

BOREDOM – I’m not proud of this but I’ve divulged in ego boosts during the bad phase of my life. The lack of real connection made me address my infantile behaviour as it ate away at me and I realised I was being inauthentic.

In all the above cases contact was good for me personally as it offered introspection on another level which led to who I am today.

RECONCILIATION:

Getting in touch with my first ever ex was a mistake. She never had the EI to understand me. I was in love with idea of her, but she could never meet my  needs. Every contact was an with the intention to reconcile. I should have known it was irretrievably lost after breaking up the first time. Contact just cut the wounds deeper and I almost ruined my life through addictions etc. Eventually I chose to stay away and do no contact indefinitely. I care about her and if we crossed paths I’d happily greet her. She has no space in my life in any capacity, I see now she brought out the worst traits in me and reminding myself of that period of life is painful.

Just to flip the script, my current partner believe it or not when we met I was going through my player phase, but I felt a real connection, it excited and scared me simultaneously. She had the intuitiveness to see through my facade and was very compassionate and made me stay in good form. I was authentic with her which involved me being emotionally immature, I pressed self destruct before we had even had the chance to be together as a serious couple. She rightly walked away but did so compassionately.

I needed time to introspect, time to understand that pushing her away was out of deeper feelings for her hence the self sabotage and projections. Therapy really helped here and I gained a better understanding of my behaviour and emotions. I contacted her many month’s later only when I had done the hard graft, she deserved that. I also knew she wouldn’t accept anything less because although humble she was self confident and knew her worth. Timing and luck worked it’s magic.

At times for the right person it pays off to swallow your pride and contact them. That space where we both grew individually then reunited with intent made us the couple we are today and now I’m planning to propose to her. Therefore no contact forever isn’t applicable to all situations.

@Rhaenys

I hope therapy is going well for you. Pets are wonderful addition to family. Maybe you can have a dog one day soon. Their loyalty and companship is often better than a human can offer you!

Your feedback was very lovely. My partner would be elated with anything too. She isn’t materialistic but she has had an incredible impact in shaping me to be a better man and partner. I shall reflect the gratitude in my proposal by spoiling her rotten.

We have officially been together for 7 months as a couple. I have known her for almost 2 years in which there was a significant period we had no contact. When we first met we only went as far as 2nd base, as a man I respected her more for this. Her intent was always committed relationship.

It isn’t the quantity of time you’ve known someone, it is the impact they have and quality of the relationship. In a short time she has had an everlasting change within me and always brought out the best version of me.

@Shelbyville

Happy 2nd Year to propelling yourself to become a better, stronger individual. You took a step to help yourself by posting on this forum. In the process you’ve saved many. Kudos to you!

A toast (Sammy don’t be getting ideas! It’s a cup of tea) to better days ahead, you’ve survived. Be proud and applaud yourself for the hard work you’ve done. Many would rather stagnate but you keep fighting.

It’s good to read you are feeling stable and anxiety has abated around your relationship and job for now. Anxiety is part of the human condition some of us are more susceptible. It is incurable but with the right tools it can be managed. If you need any help or insight, I’m happy to assist.

@Moomin

Thank you for your very kind well wishes. I hope you find your happiness and peace also. I apologise once again for my interjection on this thread. If you ever need further advice please do not hesitate to reach out.

Tim

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tim.