If a Buddhist guru isn’t able to forgive you, then either he is not living according to his own beliefs or you have misunderstood him. It makes no sense that he would be so harsh. Emotional blackmail should not be part of any spiritual teachings.

Reality is probably not as complex as it seems to you. You are stuck in your mind in a situation that seems impossible, but if you knew all the sides of the story, you’d realise that the reality is not what it seems. Unfortunately, you are trying to solve a riddle that you’ve created for yourself and you’ve constructed it so that it’s insolvable as it is right now. You are trying to choose between A and B and both options seem impossible, but what you don’t see is that A and B are probably not what you think that they are.

Hello Alyce,

It sounds as if you didn’t really have a chance to grow up, before you already started taking on a lot of responsibility over other people. I remember reading this one psychology book with all the phases of growing up and that there is kind of a requirement to go through all of the phases sooner or later. If you postpone them for some reason, they will still be there, waiting for you when you’re older.

I’ve seen it in myself and in other people how difficult it gets over time, when more responsibilities start to pile up, but the capacity to handle them hasn’t grown. All the while the inner child is asking “What about me? What about my needs?” Then you feel bad about thinking like that and feel like you need to give more, but you can’t.

Do take your own time, but instead of trying to escape the reality or ruminating over the thoughts that you’d be bad (you’re not), take time to nurture that inner child. Meditate, get in touch with nature, draw or paint, give yourself the nurturing, attention and love that you need. When you get your needs met, you’ll find that you have so much more energy to be there for others as well. What now feels like a chore can start to feel like a blessing.

You also really have to stop telling yourself that you are bad, because that just takes up even more energy and causes even more emotional outbursts. If you can’t say anything nice to yourself, don’t say anything. Just nurture yourself and love yourself unconditionally.

Oh, I understood that you weren’t teaching children (as they wouldn’t have a choice to not attend your class), but wasn’t sure what sort of students these were. And to be fair, even adults can behave in incredibly childish ways. There’s also the ego thing that comes up with adult students.

I’ve been a technical trainer and in general am constantly faced with situations where I need to explain something complex and technical to another person. There is indeed a tricky balance to be found. If you oversimplify, they will be hurt that you’d think that they weren’t clever enough to understand the topic. If you get too technical, you might inadvertently make them feel stupid. Different people react in different ways when they feel stupid. What we want, of course, is for them to say that they don’t understand and would like you to lower your level a bit so that they can catch up. Unfortunately that’s not really how it usually goes. Some will be quiet and pretend that they understand, even though they don’t. Some will get upset and defensive, even a bit aggressive. I don’t take it personally anymore though it’s never fun when someone gets upset instead of explaining to me that they are confused.

When I was still a technical trainer in the telecom field, my training sessions weren’t cheap. I didn’t personally get all the money, but in any case, the companies paid a lot of money for my services. I didn’t always perform in a way I wish I had, but what can you do? You can’t take it back, you can’t change history, and sometimes there really were some very difficult students. One man tried to have sex with me and when I refused, he made sure that my course for the next day was as difficult as possible. It was stupid.

In general, it would be so good for your anxiety to acknowledge that how people treat you often does not have that much to do with you. Sometimes you just trigger something in another person and they start to act out their own fears and anxieties. It’s normal.

You don’t have to take drugs to cure it. Compassion helps. Now that you are abroad, seek some kind souls to spend time with, who can alleviate your anxiety. Don’t just think about it and isolate yourself. It’ll blow out of proportion and you stop seeing the situation from a neutral and realistic perspective.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.

Hello Steve-O!

I see Jasmine already asked what I was going to 🙂 Are you seeking validation from the students? If so, then you’d set yourself up for a world of pain and suffering. They have a life of their own, and how they behave and what they decide to do is a reflection of their life and who they are, not who you are.

Do not make assumptions. Ask! Get feedback on the material, but in a way that you’re not asking for validation for yourself as a teacher. Who you are as a person, who you are as a teacher, what one particular training material is like and what the students are like are all separate things. What happens in the classroom is not personal.

When you are in front of a classroom, you are a leader, and you need some confidence to be an effective leader. All of that can be learned. Leaders make mistakes, and then they communicate and evaluate what needs to be done. Notice that I did not say that they directly apply the feedback to their work. Sometimes people complain for a reason and sometimes they complain for no good reason. We are inherently lazy, pleasure seeking creatures, and being challenged, whilst good for us, can make us grumpy. Of course being expected to do something that is completely out of our league will make us lethargic. Still, people will always gravitate towards a leader to show them the way, but they will test to see who’s tough enough to follow.

And believe me, all teachers have been tested. I went to a school where all the teacher students trained and so we had multiple different young teachers to teach us over a period of few weeks at a time. Some of them we cracked and they started to cry. Some of them we liked a lot. We were just kids and kids can sense fear and weakness and a genuine spirit. We weren’t there to validate their sense of worthiness. We were there because we had to be there. Whilst that was about teaching children, it’s not that different up until you are giving a course to people who have purposefully sought to be there.

You are still learning to be a teacher and you are still learning to be a leader. Take in what you learn and look at it from a neutral point of view and don’t take it personally. Teaching and leadership are skills that require learning and refinement and skilful flexibility. You need to be a bit tough, but caring. Kind of like a parent.

So, suck it up, forget the Peru and get back in the classroom. Also, consider reading Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements for some understanding on making assumptions and seeking validation.

“Honestly, the corporate world is very cut throat because there are many people in it who have lost a sense of direction and humanity.

They lose balance and are overly focused on ego rather than positive products or services that impact society in positive life changing ways.”

This is something I’ve often wondered about. There are people in this world who have billions in their bank accounts, just lying there. I can’t quite grasp what would make someone want to hoard money like that. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be allowed to. I’m saying that I don’t understand the reasoning behind it. All I can think of is some kind of twist in the basic security, and a subsequent obsession with having more money. If I had that much money, there are so many things I would want to invest in and see what comes out of it.

The business practices mentioned seem to be mostly spawning from fear, which is why one should ask, are they actually that good? I am sure that there are a lot of practices that are like that for an actual reason, which might not be apparent right away, but I’m also sure that there are a lot of things that people do just because it has always been done that way.

So I guess another advice that could be given is that if you want to be different from others, don’t be guided by fear 🙂

There are already so many new kind of possibilities to make a living or start a business, that I’m not sure if the practices mentioned are that modern day anymore, or are already going out of style. You don’t even have to go to a bank to get a loan to start a business. You could get crowdsourcing for your idea. You don’t have to rely on traditional media to get people to notice you and invest a ton of money in marketing. I’m not saying that it’s super easy to get noticed using new media with no budget, but it is possible to be noticed if you make an effort. Point is, you don’t have to go along with the establishment if you want to achieve something in the business world.

Also, being genuine seems to catch people’s attention. We are so used to the marketing jargon, that if anyone comes across as genuine, we pay attention. People want real experiences, which is why it’s ironic that we drown ourselves in plastic crap and meaningless entertainment. It can’t last forever like this.

But I’m starting to digress from the topic 🙂 Except, I’ll still want to share an article I have been reading now. I had to check if Steve Jobs really was a Buddhist, and came across this piece of writing. I thought it was quite interesting, not from the perspective of what kind of person Steve Jobs really was, but from the perspective of approaching work and product design with certain simplicity and honesty. To pay attention to even the parts of your work that can’t be seen by others. I’m not terribly impressed by the quality of Apple products, but that’s unimportant. The idea is what really stuck with me and it’s something I would love to practice myself: to approach your work (paid or unpaid) as a craft, and make it something beautiful, even if it’s not all perceived by the eye or there is no direct gain in doing so. There is something about work that has been done with love and care that is hard to describe, but you know it’s valuable.

Anyway, here’s the article: http://blogs.plos.org/neurotribes/2011/10/28/what-kind-of-buddhist-was-steve-jobs-really/

Why be ashamed of something that is unconscious? We all do the best that we can with what we’ve got. Sometimes we are lacking tools, sometimes just too afraid or sometimes really just lack the understanding that something is happening.

Accepting past mistakes does require humility, but there is no reason to take on shame.

Could this be a case of psychosis? Any doctors here?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.

OK, I read it. I also read the responses from others. As well as the responses given to you after that throughout different threads.

What is it that you want? You ask for help, people try to offer advice, but you deflect it all and remain in your stance that you are bad no matter what you do. You welcome help, but don’t actually do anything about it. Why?