Kristopher,

You are being quite hard on yourself, talking about whining and manning up. The things that you’ve been through have been painful and hurtful, so hurting is normal. You can try to run away from it, but it’ll be there until you acknowledge it and accept it.

It’s usually not just that one particular thing that has happened that brings the hurt. There’s a chance that it’s not really her that holds any special place in your heart, but she abandoned you without a warning, and that can trigger some major fears, including reviving all past fears of abandonment.

There’s a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (which I recommend, it’s by Susan Anderson), which has some interesting thoughts about how a sudden break-up can all of a sudden be completely devastating, even if it hadn’t been a very important relationship. All the past hurts and fears that have been left unresolved all of a sudden come to the surface again, and the whole thing becomes a much bigger issue than it actually was. Smaller past traumas, all the way from childhood to present day, become one big bundle of dramas to be faced and resolved. After such experience, you can get stuck mentally, sort of in a state of fear, like in PTSD. There is nothing uncommon about that, so give yourself a break and don’t make things even more difficult by blaming yourself over getting stuck.

Do you do any self-nurturing? Men probably aren’t taught to do such things, which is a real shame. Be kind to yourself and to your heart. Instead of drowning yourself in the outside world and keeping busy, try to just be still for a while to find peace. You’ll have lots of thoughts popping into your head when you’re silent, but you’ll just need to allow those thoughts to come and go, to pass through your mind, without holding onto them. That is how you become the master of your own mind, yourself and your own life.

If possible, look for some local meditation groups, where there is a guide to assist you on how to approach and deal with silence and the thoughts that come to your mind. There are also some exercises in that book I mentioned.

Facing your fears isn’t easy and requires courage, but if you don’t face them, they’ll stay at the back of your mind, hampering your efforts in life.

Impatience is quite normal when young and enthusiastic, but it can work against you, as you try to force things to be what they aren’t. Being patient, taking things appropriately slow and respecting yourself will reveal other people’s motives with time. If you are too anxious to get attention and excitement, you might end up getting it from the wrong kind of source. Seeking validation from others is one of the traps for young women.

Being too hung up on excitement can also make it more difficult to notice whether you actually feel good in someone’s company or if it is slowly eating away your confidence. What you want and how you feel is much more important in your life than what Alex wants.

In addition, Alex is the only guy who can explain his own motives. Just ask him what he wants. Sometimes it really is that simple.

Look at you, beaming 🙂

Susan,

It may have been her property, but it was your home as well. That’s one thing. Another thing is that telling someone that they want to work things out and then cut all contact, change locks and install security system is not normal. That’s deceptive and paranoid.

I can understand that you defend her actions, because you’ve bought into the illusion she has created. You can’t have a healthy, rational relationship with a narcissist; you have to believe in the same illusions they do in order for it to work. Also, it’s not easy to accept that what was, actually really wasn’t. It’s not just about learning how to trust other people again, but you need to learn how to trust yourself again.

I have been in relationships with narcissists and I know how it works. I always blamed myself and really couldn’t understand that it wasn’t normal, so I defended them and tried to get back in good graces with them. If only I would be different and they would accept me again. Only, there never will be acceptance, because you aren’t a mirror. You’re a human being with your own thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

I don’t hate my exes and I can even understand their side of the story. They all had their own journey and childhood issues, just like I’ve had mine. I’m still never going to subject myself to such treatment again. I can be compassionate from a distance, hopefully with my feet firmly on the ground. I strongly urge you to do the same.

I also strongly urge you to seek a support group with similar stories to yours. You’re still caught up in your own illusions, but when you hear other people explaining theirs, you can see the patterns from a neutral point of view.

And of course above all, be kind to yourself and start to rebuild your confidence regardless of what the future brings!

Matt,

You don’t have to seek for an existing thread in order to tell about your own experience. Your situation and experience is just as important as everyone else’s, and is worthy of it’s very own thread.

Considering that you’ve been through something that must’ve been painful and scary, is it any wonder that your mind would go through it over and over again? Coming up with new defence strategies, just in case that hurt happens again? It’s also hard to forgive if forgiveness hasn’t truly been sought. Yet again another potential threat: forgiving and forgetting might mean that you accept the way you were treated or would feel like being used and taken for a ride. How naïve to forgive when the perpetrator is still out there, out of hook. One must be prepared for another attack…

Your mind is trying to find ways to protect you, albeit ironically in a destructive way.

What if you felt really safe and secure? What if you were free of stress and anxiety, and knew that nobody could hurt you? Would the mind still keep on going like that? Would it be easier to forgive, because what would be the point of holding onto grudges?

We try to learn from our past mistakes and learn how the people who hurt us operate, so that we could feel safe. You’re preparing for another attack. In a way it’s logical, but unfortunately, you’re just psyching yourself up and pumping up your adrenaline and getting angry even though nothing is happening. You’re playing the tapes in your head and each time it hurts and each time you react to it with anger. So in a way, you’re actually attacking yourself constantly. It’s like a rehearsal or obsession over the potential threat. So inadvertently, you’ll actually never reach the state of feeling safe through these exercises.

If you were to seek the feeling of safety in other ways, like self-nurturing and meditation, it would make going through those thoughts obsolete. Take some time to really connect with the physical world around you and be mindful about it. There are no real threats, no need to be alert all the time.

If you felt like you did the best that you could and it just didn’t work out, then why not forgive and forget, regardless of what she thinks? What matters is what you think, what you feel. She has her own journey to go through. You have yours.

Be more loving to your own tender heart. It has been through a lot and it needs to heal. Your mind also has been working overtime, so it needs soothing.

Change doesn’t happen overnight, so be understanding towards yourself. Give yourself the compassion that you need. Seek the company of those who care about you and who enjoy your company. Allow those relationships to heal you and make you realise that you’re not under any threat, and you are cared for and loved.

If the tapes start playing in your mind again, then take a moment to mentally step back and see them for what they are. Take a deep breath and relax and be more compassionate towards yourself. It is understandable to go through those things and not be able to forgive, but what you need right now is to care for yourself and nurture yourself. The forgiving and forgetting will happen in time, when you’re ready.

I didn’t 🙂 I even left out the facts about three years and me occasionally telling him to keep his distance 🙂

Anyway, something that I’ve wondered during the past couple of days was that sometimes you end up holding onto something, whilst dreaming about a specific type of future. Then something happens and you have to let go, it hurts a lot, but then somehow things turn out in a way where your dream actually comes true. Just not the way you expected it would.

So I’m thinking that I’m holding onto this one person because I think that they are the person I’ve waited for my entire life, and I’m too scared to let go, because I don’t want to lose them. But what if I’m blocking something else happening because of my tunnel vision? Or, what if he is “The One”, but me holding onto him is making things difficult and if I were to let go, things might be able to progress more naturally and we even might end up together?

I have this one book titled (roughly translated into English) “you get what you let go of”. What if that’s true? What if holding on is only making it more difficult for the right thing to happen?

Dear Rewa,

It is as if you are taking on all the blame but none of the responsibility. If you blame yourself, then you carry the responsibility as well and do what your integrity tells you to do. If you don’t want to go back, don’t go back and forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on. If you keep thinking about him, then go back and face him again and restate what you need, say that you’re sorry if you’ve done something you shouldn’t have and that it distresses you that he got upset. Like Inky said, he is most likely not nearly as distressed about the situation as you are. He hasn’t spent the past months wondering what you think about him.

You are not the first nor the last person who has been emotional or has said or done something to upset others or gone against what the society expects. It is not the end of the world.

You spend way too much time mulling over the same situation over and over and over again, and it is making you go crazy. You have detached from reality and seek guidance, but you don’t actually respond to any of it. Instead you deflect it all and keep going in circles over and over and over again. Please stop tormenting yourself like that. Seek medical help if you can’t make the thoughts stop on your own. Or like Inky said, seek for another guru and tell your story and see if they can help. Someone who understands your customs, is patient and understanding.

If you need another person’s story, then I do have one to share. About three years ago, I was going through a turmoil in my life and in the same time doing a project for a client. I was not able to concentrate on the project and ended up neglecting the client. They got terribly upset with me and that in turn upset me so much, that for a moment, I actually lost the ability to speak (for just a moment, but still). I was just in shock that I would upset someone like that even though it was not my intention. I finished the project for him, never asked for any money, and then just disappeared off the radar. I didn’t want to be in contact with anyone, so I abandoned my friends and just lived with my family. I was away for a long, long time. I felt horribly guilty about everything and was convinced that everyone was mad at me. In reality they were all very worried, but they weren’t angry. When I finally found the courage, this year, to get back in touch with the people, the reality was different from what I thought. I wasn’t judged or condemned in the way that I thought that I would be. Some people were upset at first, but it went away really fast. They were only upset because they had been so concerned. Things got back to normal. The fear was all in my head, and I was just not able to deal with it initially. So I allowed it to control my life and who I was in contact with for the next 2,5 years. If I would’ve just been able to face others as soon as possible after my initial shock, it would’ve all been much less of a hassle for everyone.

I really can understand how terrifying it can be when someone is angry with you and how it can cause you to detach from reality and go over the same thing over and over again, blaming oneself for being stupid. But it’s not going to help. It just makes things worse. You have to face the reality and forgive yourself and do what you think you need to do, regardless of what others think. Please find the strength to do that so that you don’t spend the next years in hiding and blaming yourself like I did.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.