Well, if you’ve been involved outside of the class as well, then it could be any number of things why she got upset. It’s not anymore just about your teaching ability, but her personal feelings about you and herself. Women around the world get upset all the time about all kinds of things and men around he world stay perplexed why it happens 🙂

One other thing occurred to me though. You didn’t explain the whole situation in your original post, even though you must understand it probably is a factor in the whole situation. We’re all pretty much anonymous here, yet you still felt like you needed to hide it. It is as if you are judging yourself and fear that others will judge you, too.

Keeping secrets and living in shame will add quite a lot to your anxiety, and may even be the cause of it. Being open and honest about things will automatically force you to accept the reality as it is, and after that it’s much, much easier to let go of things. It’s like acknowledging something you don’t want to hold onto anymore and letting it go and recycling it, instead of not wanting to deal with something you don’t want to hold onto, and then cramming it into your closet. In the latter case, you’ll always know that it’s still there, in the closet, and it will most probably pop back into your mind when you least expect it (especially when falling asleep).

If you don’t want to admit everything to other people, then at least write it down and be honest with yourself. There is a reason why taking a moral inventory is part of the 12 step program. Now, I’m not saying that you’ve done anything immoral, but you seem to think that you’ve done something wrong, as otherwise you would’ve been straightforward about it. Holding onto guilt and shame makes life more difficult than it has to be 🙂

If you really want to understand why, then I recommend you read this book:

There is a reason why the meditation practice was recommended. Meditation has been proven to help with handling emotions. It just doesn’t happen overnight or after one or two times.

Someone in the comments section also recommended another book for those who are unable to even imagine positive feelings:

Hello Gracie,

There was one thing that you mentioned almost in passing, but I thought it was rather important in all of this. You said that you might’ve been depressed, and on top of that you’ve had the stress from the wedding. Those are times when the ability to handle threats is impaired. This whole scenario has presented you with some kind of threats, and now you’re stuck trying to fend them.

Years ago I was in a relationship with this really loving and caring guy. That was a time when my self-confidence was really low and I think I was more or less chronically depressed. So, I had this stroke of genius and decided to play a little game with him where both he and I would pick from a list of people the ones we found attractive and then share that knowledge. I thought it would’ve just been interesting. Wrong. He had no problem with my list, or at least he didn’t react to it in any meaningful way, but then me… I went ballistic. The poor man. I had asked him to tell me which women he found attractive and then I just became really, really mad. There was nothing he could even do to save it. “She looked a bit like you, so I liked her.” “You think I look like THAT?!” It was the dumbest thing and I still feel so bad for treating him that way.

There are a few points I would like to make with my story. One is that even though rationally we understand that a picture of another woman isn’t the same as actually having a romantic rival, we might still react to it as if it was. When depressed, it’s really hard to just let things go and move on. The smallest thing can all of a sudden become way too big to handle. There’s not enough energy and confidence.

As for the lying, as much as it annoys me that men have a tendency to lie a bit in certain circumstances, I also know that there are often times when hearing the truth would also cause me to react in certain ways. So it’s kind of a lose-lose situation. Men often have learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better to communicate in a way that is the least likely to cause a conflict. Men who are very direct and give honest answers tend to stay single, not out of their own choice… So it’s not exactly the sign of a sociopath to quickly answer “no” to a question “did you have a lap dance?”

If certain things make you react in a bad way right now, then why keep poking the wound? Take time to build your confidence and to reconnect with who you are. Practice mindfulness meditation to heal. You need the strength, so treat yourself like you’re in rehabilitation. Don’t be too demanding on yourself. Allow love to flow into you.

When you gain more strength and confidence and feel safe and loved (spiritually, not just by your husband), it is so much easier to let go of the things that are bothering you as well as heal the communication and the connection between you two.

You don’t have to worry about whether to do meditation in the morning or evening. The most important thing is that you do it. It’s like exercise for your brain, your mind and your soul 🙂 Nothing wrong with feeling sleepy either.

I don’t personally see compassion as being positive. More like warmth towards someone who is suffering. Don’t worry about understanding it if it is an unfamiliar feeling to you. Don’t stress yourself about it. You’ll grow and learn at your own pace 🙂

Rahel,

What Matt wrote was something I very much agree with. I can understand if you want a simple solution, or a checklist of things to be done, but if you can open your heart for a moment and read what Matt wrote, you might find some answers that can not be explained with lists.

Smiling can surely make one feel better, but to force a smile on your face all the time doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.

If you don’t remember to do things, it’s OK. You are being extremely hard on yourself, expecting consistency and if you fail to meet that, you blame yourself. You’re only human, so don’t worry about the consistency so much.

Why does sympathy make you feel depressed? Do you confuse it with pity, perhaps? Pity is looking down on someone and perhaps seeing them as weak. Compassion is understanding the pain that someone is going through and the feelings of care and support that it arises in one’s heart.

I didn’t mean that you need to stop words, but to not believe everything that you tell yourself, especially if it’s very negative or hard or demanding.

When you ask about balance, I think that what Matt said is quite correct, that you need to have the balance between your mind and your body. Meditation can help.

You’re just being defensive to protect yourself from some threat that you perceive. When you can understand that you are doing all of those things for a reason, because the feelings of safety and love has been compromised, it could become easier to be more gentle towards yourself.

As for your the example about your aunt, to me it just seems like your feelings just get the better of you. We all have fleeting feelings. One minute everything is fine and then the next minute something happens that angers us. That is quite usual. It seems as if you have trouble handling the emotions that arise and they rule you instead of you letting them pass.

That does not make you anything peculiar, and you’re not the only one who is defensive, impulsive and finds it difficult to temper their emotions.

In addition to the support group idea, would it be possible for you to find someone local who could help you meditate? You need tools to help you deal with any imbalance that you might have and find ways to learn how to care for yourself.

For a moment, don’t worry about what other people think of you. Just focus on yourself and only yourself. In order to find self-acceptance and understanding, you need to allow yourself to be who you are, without trying to be something so that others would react to you. Does that make sense?

You are kind of like stuck in this mindset where you want something, but you sabotage yourself before you even get started. Then you can blame yourself for it and feel even worse, and react to it yet again, and the cycle continues. Like two sides of yourself, your heart and your mind, constantly arguing with each other: the mind blaming the heart and the heart crying and getting emotional. Unfortunately you are the only one who can solve that. Others can only try to offer help and support, but ultimately it is you who has to intervene. Summon that inner strength, that inner higher power, that will allow you to see compassionately what is going on within you. Give yourself the peace and care that you need.

Hello Laia!

Consider yourself hugged 🙂

I do personally struggle with those thoughts and feelings. I can become incredibly frustrated and aggravated because of those very same issues that you are facing. Well, not the exact same. I’m not in touch with your partner’s mother 🙂 But I can understand what you are going through, and you have my sympathies.

I reflected for a moment on when those frustrations arise in me and when they do not bother me as much. When I focus on something that is within my control, I feel free and happy. When I do some self-care, as an example. When I just take some time to deal with my own issues and see the progress that I’m making. The focus is in my own life. It is as if I am crafting something with my own hands, slowly working on creating something out of my life. But then when I look up and around and I see all the chaos and the focus all of a sudden spreads to other people’s lives, I start to feel anxious and even angry out of frustration. It is as if my brain is trying to do all that same healing on what I am experiencing, but obviously can’t do it, because it is no longer about me and my mind and my body. When I start to get really overwhelmed or I notice that I spend a lot of time with a raised pulse after reading something online, I try to take a break and get the focus back on my own life and the things that are within my control.

I am a recovering codependent, so it’s not like I have always had strong boundaries. So other people’s issues can easily become my issues. Perhaps having better boundaries it would be easier to handle the chaos, as it doesn’t become your chaos. Also, it’s not reasonable to get aggravated over the state of the world or the issues that other people are facing, because it’s not going to help. It just creates more chaos. That’s why I find it so important to work on yourself and find that peace within that would allow you to face the world with strength and compassion, which is much needed.

Also, having stronger boundaries would allow you to just smile at those who try to control you and your thoughts, instead of getting aggravated at their attempts. So yes. I guess my answer is boundaries 🙂 Boundaries and self-care. Healing the world through healing yourself. When you pour love and care into yourself, it’ll eventually run over and some might even reach your partner’s mother 🙂 Focusing on something that is under your control also really helps with the feelings of helplessness. You’re not helpless. It just feels like that if you attempt to control something that is not under your control.

Another thing that really helps me when I start to feel like I need to help and control the whole world is that I imagine myself as this small person alone on a beach. The sea is so huge and the beach is so wide, and the whole world and the Universe is so big. I’m small compared to that, I’m just a child compared to all that, and as a child, I do not have to take on the responsibility of the world. Whether or not there is a God is not something that I need to worry about. It would be unreasonable to expect that I would have to have it all figured out. I’ll do the best that I can with what I’ve got and if there is any higher power, then that will function the way that it functions, regardless of how I feel about it. This helps with understanding my own limitations and makes me feel much safer in the world.

I hope that made some sense. I’ll be happy to elaborate. Just know that you’re not the only one with those frustrations and that it is possible to overcome it or at least take a break from it 🙂