Rachel, I think the problem in this case was the complete opposite 🙂 Good advice, nevertheless!

Blue, I have indeed been through such a thing, and I still notice myself occasionally getting nervous about checking e-mails. In my case, it was partly due to getting one too many stressful and angry e-mails that caused me to start to feel overwhelmed and panicky. That said, there were a lot of underlying issues that I had to solve. Perhaps this anxiety is just a symptom of something bigger, feeling overwhelmed about managing life in general? When things are in balance and you don’t have too many worries in your mind, you’ll have more strength to deal with the smaller issues. But if you allow things to pile up, it becomes harder and harder to manage everything, as you know.

If this e-mail thing is bothering you so much, then why not try to solve something else first? Have you tried any meditative practices that would allow you to purge the worries that keep piling up in your mind? When there’s too much stuff there, everything becomes too hard to manage. It’s like having a really cluttered space, where dealing with one thing means dealing with a dozen more just to get to the one that you need to deal with. The more you can purge the clutter, the easier it gets to manage things that are thrown at you.

Then when you are ready, perhaps some kind of e-mail checking schedule would be in order. Once or twice per day, every day, when you bite the bullet. First relax by breathing deeply for a few times (4-5) and then check the e-mails. Make a mental note of the relief that you feel afterwards and associate it with the accomplishment.

Those are just some thoughts that came to mind. I understand that running away from issues is so very tempting, but also I don’t think that the solution to that is to go full speed to the opposite direction and forcefully deal with something that is causing anxiety. Baby steps to better balance! 🙂

How wonderful to see so many people coming together here, having also seen the dark side of humanity.

Regarding silencing the negativity, I’ll share the way I learned to do it. I was told by someone that I have to stop talking and thinking badly about myself and that I was no longer allowed to do it. I agreed to do so. To me it became almost like a game of where’s Waldo 🙂 Every time I realised that I was starting to speak ill of myself, I interrupted those words. They popped back again, I interrupted them again. Every time I noticed that happening, even when I was being kind of sarcastic which was supposed to be “funny”. I had promised to do this, and I was going to keep my promise. I hadn’t even realised how much I had put myself down. When you have a negative belief of yourself, it comes so naturally to put yourself down that you don’t even notice all the ways you’re doing it. Yet, I kept on interrupting my inner nemesis. And just like when you are trying to tell someone something and they keep interrupting you all the time…my nemesis started to quiet down and kind of forgot to say those things anymore.

The way I felt after I had been doing that for a while was so liberating. Like I had been carrying these heavy chains around me the whole time and I started to feel so much lighter. I had no idea that words could carry so much effect on how you feel.

I started to expand this interrupting technique to other things as well, when I just wanted my mind to quiet down for a moment. Regardless of what kind of chatter was going on. I just allowed the words to dissolve into thin air and I just tried to focus on my senses and my surroundings. Kind of like DIY meditation practice 🙂 I still do that and it’s a wonderful way of getting a short vacation from hectic life. Now I have this safe place where I can go to and relax for a while. It’s safe, because what are fears other than thoughts that keep popping into your head?

I also went to meetings. Again suggested by the same person who told me not to speak badly about myself. This was for friends and family members of alcoholics (my father was an alcoholic). I pretty much went there kicking and screaming. Not literally, but I didn’t want to go. I thought it was really stupid and unfair that because of other people’s behaviour when I was a child, now I had to sit in a stupid meeting and seek forgiveness for my actions. But it did help in various ways. It was good to see my own behaviour in other people. You’re kind of blind to yourself, but when you see it in others, it becomes more clear.

Letting go of anger and resentment really isn’t easy and it requires so much humility, but it is so worth it. I would never want to go back to where I was a few years ago. Now life feels vivid and I enjoy even the smallest of things. I’m still learning how to take care of myself, but at least I feel like I deserve to be taken care of. The anger and resentment are pretty much gone. Not completely, but that’s OK. What I’m trying to say is that while it is a long road and you’re not going to be magically transformed overnight, every little bit of light and love that’s allowed back into your life will nourish you and you’ll get stronger, and every time you manage to slay down the negative words and thoughts that keep you down, you’ll be more uplifted and stronger again.

Hi Irene,

You kind of answered yourself the question why it is a game of self-pity in the next paragraph 🙂 Deep down, and rationally thinking, you know that you have good features. More than just two. So to ask for those things is to ask for validation and attention to the idea that you wouldn’t have any, and that’s not something people really like to do. And rightly so.

Look at this for examples of what I’m talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loaded_question

Regardless of how the other person answers your question, they know that they are stepping into something that’s difficult to get out of and that’s why people don’t want to step into it in the first place.

You need to get out of that place as well and into living your life. Yes, life is painful as well, but it’s not that bad when you’re not stuck in the misery for a prolonged period. Getting unstuck is really your choice. That is both good news and bad news. The good news is that you have all the power in the world to get out of it, and you don’t have to rely on other people to pull you out. The bad news is that it’s hard work and requires a lot of humility when honestly facing your own part in everything. It is much easier to take the route of “oh poor unloveable me” than to stand up and say “yes, I’ve made mistakes as well”.

Your mind is just clouded at the moment, and you can’t see that you are actually loved ad infinitum. You’ve invested in believing that you’re not, but you’ll need to cut your losses and change the route!

Hello Lasse,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through and what you’re still going through. Do listen to that tiny part in you that says to not give up. It’s saved me many times and eventually life did turn around. I was also self-destructive, all the anger had turned inwards.

Essentially, according to my own experiences and belief, you’re stuck because of a hyperactive defence mechanism that was built with the intention to be able to cope with the bullying, but now it’s destroying you. That is one way of looking at the ego: it’s purpose is to consolidate your inner world with the outer world, but things can go totally wrong in that process. It can tell you a lot of crap about what you are, for instance being a victim. Being a victim in a situation is an event, not an identity, but still people can take on these labels and carry them around throughout their lives, whilst resenting the labels and themselves in the process. You as a person are not defined by the events in your childhood. Now you’ve first taken on the belief that you are a victim, and then you fight against in anger. So the cycle both starts and ends in your own mind, but isn’t the actual reality.

For now, don’t worry about forgiving them. That’s my personal opinion anyway. When you feel better about yourself and safer and more content, the forgiveness will come naturally. It’s like grabbing onto something. Right now you’re not able to let go out of fear that you would forever be a victim if you do so. When you truly understand that you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for and you’re able to feel like you’re standing on firm ground, then you can let go. Having said that, letting go and allowing yourself to fall deep isn’t going to kill you either. That’s one way of getting the release and finding your own wings, but if it’s too hard, then there is another way to get there.

You need a lot of love and care right now, so allow yourself that. I like the suggestions given by Big Blue for getting outside of your mind. Being stuck in the mind, going through these things is like a personalised torture chamber, where you keep poking your deep wounds. Don’t poke the wounds. Tend to them. Stop all the hurtful words that spawn in your mind. Don’t listen to them. Interrupt them or just allow them to dissolve. Words hurt and keep you as a prisoner more than you might realise, and words are the only way for you to live through past experiences and narrate them for yourself in the same time. To live through what happened and why and so on. The consolidation of the events. Unfortunately this process produces more false ideas and keeps you away from the reality, which is that actually, you survived. You went through hell and survived. Diamonds form under pressure. You just can’t see it yourself just yet.

So essentially two things that I would want you to do: one is to stop the self-torture through words. If you can’t think anything nice about yourself, don’t think anything at all. That gives you a break from the poking of the wounds that just produce more and more anger and hatred. Secondly, actually practice self-love. Accept that you are loved. That is one of those things that is surprisingly difficult. To accept love means to bare oneself completely and accept yourself as you are. That means being vulnerable and open, and that’s not going to be easy and it’s impossible while you keep attacking yourself. Imagine that there are deep festering wounds within, and you have to start tending to them, or otherwise they’ll just destroy you from inside out. If you saw someone else with such wounds, you’d stop and help. So do that to yourself. Asking for help here is one way of doing self-care, so kudos for that.

Please do keep the interaction going and reach out to others locally as well. Now is a good time to start the healing process and deal with the issues spawning from the past for once and for all.

Thank you, Daniel, for your insights.

It is my opinion though, that being kind is part of civil behaviour. It’s just not one of those things that would cause arousal in most people. A lovely way of being, of course, especially when it’s genuine. That’s another thing though. There are men out there who think that being kind entitles them to something in return, and that makes the whole thing rather ugly. There are also men who are polite towards hot women, but not towards plain women, and that’s where their true colours are shown. Not actually kind and generous, but passive aggressive and manipulative.

Men, and women, who show signs of a healthy body and a healthy mind are attractive. Attraction goes up along with the chances of survival. Of course there are all kinds of kinks and twists along the way, based on our personal experiences, but generally speaking, being a healthy and strong specimen will be attractive to others.

Hi there!

One of the pillars in Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is asserting oneself. So if you feel like you have something to contribute, then do so. Keeping silent when you feel like you ought to speak can do some harm for you in the long run.

I’m personally not so convinced with the binary thinking that everything that we say or do is either positive or negative. Facts are facts, and they are neutral. I’m not sure why people are so scared of stating facts and being straightforward about them (people in general, that is). There is a difference though in how one delivers the information, and that can require some skillful maneuvering 🙂 For example, if something has been tried before, but it didn’t work then due to some problems, and now someone wants to introduce the same thing again, you can be both intrigued by the suggestion and offer information on what has happened before and why. Instead of seeing problems as something that can not be overcome, because they weren’t overcome before, you can see them as challenges for the team. Accepting reality does not equal being cynical, and it’s the cynicism that enthusiastic people have a hard time understanding.

The reason we work in teams in general is that different people bring different things to the table. Your skills are very valuable to any project, so don’t be afraid to use them!

If you both make each other miserable, then let her go. Remove her number, forgive and forget, and move on. That also means not speaking ill of her when she’s not capable of defending herself and not pondering about what she may or may not be thinking.

You can be enamored without having to think about the practical side of things. Enjoy! Geeks unite! 🙂

The practical side of things only starts to matter down the line and can be countered with strong, soulful love. But even that love would take a while to develop, so why not enjoy life and not be too stressed about the age gap!

P.S. Inky’s formula would be disturbingly liberating for me 🙂