To answer the question “what is love?” I like to refer to the Greek definition of love, and it’s not the same word for all kinds of love: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love

I think it helps in distinguishing the different things that we call love and not confuse them with each other. I think that the more mundane forms of love like romantic love and the love of your family and friends are somewhat selfish. Unconditional love is selfless. You can feel all of them, and all of them have their place, but they are different. I think that love can also become more mature as the person matures. This doesn’t have to do anything with actual age, but just being an emotionally mature person.

Which reminds me of a funny thing I saw in Pinterest: “Dear people who think Romeo and Juliet is a romantic love story: It was a relationship that lasted three days between a 13 yr old and a 17 yr old, and resulted in 6 deaths.” To be fair, for some people that would be the definition of love: something that is explosive and dramatic. It’s not really love unless someone gets hurt. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, except if they think that it’s the only possible way to love someone and end up equating love with hurt. But I think I’m digressing again… I tend to do that 🙂

That’s nice. I hope you can have a serious and calm discussion about it and you get to express what is important to you and what kind of things make you feel inadequate and influences your sex drive. Men have insecurities as well, so he should be able to understand what it feels like if someone takes that very insecurity and pokes at it.

I hope you can both take something from this experience that will help you grow and love more!

Dear Hanachi,

You can’t end painful emotions once and for all, but you can learn how to cope with them. It is even painful to read of your suffering, but to deny the pain and look the other way would not help.

I have seen it many times that parents have put unreasonable expectations on their children, all the while making sure that the children wouldn’t have a chance to reach the success they’re expecting. I know this family. They’re very wealthy and the father has always been rather tyrannical. He has had his own issues, so he tries to control everything. The irony is that while being controlling and telling everyone how they are stupid, he has now created a situation where his children don’t have a lot of confidence in doing anything and they are the ones who will inherit his businesses. You can’t keep telling someone that they aren’t able to do something properly and then expect them to do it properly. It makes no sense at all.

You have a choice to believe what they are saying or to choose to believe something else. Try to look at the situation objectively for a moment and with compassion towards yourself and your parents. Mentally step back and observe. Observe the pain and the fear that has been caused. It is a tragedy and very sad that such things would happen. Feel compassion towards yourself and acknowledge that you are, in fact, loved. Allow yourself to heal from the wounds. That will not happen overnight, but is a slow process. In the meanwhile, try to protect yourself from further attacks. You could imagine yourself in a protective cocoon that other people’s thoughts and feelings aren’t allowed to enter. It’s your space where you are safe to be who you are. Take care of yourself in that space.

In another thread I just recommended the book The Four Agreements by Miguel Ángel Ruiz to a person who felt resentment towards her parents. I don’t know why it keeps popping into my mind, but it feels like a good recommendation in this case as well. What your parents are saying to you have more to do with them than with you. Try to detach from their words and see them as a reflection of their own problems. You don’t have to take on their problems.

Additionally, you do need to sleep and eat. Otherwise, you’ll not have a very good grasp over yourself and your thoughts. Treat yourself with kindness so that you can heal and deal with the situation.

I understand irrational fears and how they can be too difficult to overcome. I don’t like the idea of saying “if you care for me, you will change”. That’s emotional blackmail. However, obviously they will have to come to a compromise and there’s the possibility of resentment building up on both sides.

Communicating in a calm manner is definitely a good idea. If you explained why you feel the way you do, it would be easier for the other party to understand. But please be honest. To say that you trust and then behave in the exact opposite manner doesn’t help. It’s OK to feel insecure, but you have to be honest about it.

Isabella,

Since it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t you think that it would be uncomfortable for all of you if you went walking with them? If they are used to talking about things that are private, then it wouldn’t be that possible to do that if there was another person present who would have a problem with the friendship. They have a history and a connection, which enables them to share thoughts that they might not be able to share with other people. I can understand being jealous over such a connection, but would you really want to deny such a thing for other people?

I personally don’t understand what the problem would be, since I’m the kind of person who tends to stay friends with exes and have several male friends. I know that it’s not natural for some other people and they assume that something has to be going on. It’s just a difference in personalities. I’m also a person who’s social, but it doesn’t mean that I wish to spend time with people who clearly do not like me or think that I’m up to something. It’s not going to create a very nice atmosphere.

Hello Archie!

Could it be that you’re intellectually mature enough and aware of yourself and your surroundings, but since real confidence comes with experience, it leads to a situation where you’re not quite that confident yet in your assessment of other people (and how to handle the situations), but you are still aware of the potential threats? You have to trust yourself to be able to really trust other people, and you’re still growing into being you. Trust takes time to develop. The more you are true to yourself, the more you trust yourself and the more confident you become. But it also requires exposure to other people and different kinds of events. So give it time and be patient.

I disagree a bit with your theory. You can have high expectations, but they should also be based on reality and you shouldn’t be terribly invested in the outcome. What is reasonable to expect also comes with experience. That said, I know that some people are naturally cynical. I’m not one of them and I’ve never really understood why anyone would be, but that doesn’t mean that it’s “wrong”. Then again, aren’t cynical people always expecting the worst to happen, so if you expect the worst and you end up getting hurt, then there might be a connection there as well 😉

Regardless, even if you do end up getting hurt, it’s not the end of the world. Our inbuilt defense mechanism might tell us that we’ll die if we are rejected by other people, but that’s not going to happen. It is painful, but there are also ways to deal with pain and move on.