Dear Jara,

Forcing to make a change doesn’t sound that good. Why do you feel that you have to do that? Could there be a gentler way to be? Like if you have been carrying around something that is weighing you down or turning your back crooked, why not just let go of that proverbial baggage? Then carry on as your authentic self? There is no better feeling than to allow yourself to simply be who you are.

Thank you both for the YouTube recommendations. I think I’ll check them out as well!

Adriene, naturally you need to stick with it. You know that. It’s like diet or exercise. Going to the gym sporadically will not give you results. I got help for my impatience and self-sabotage issues from this concept: http://outerchild.net I took control over the voice that was constantly saying that I can’t or that it’s too hard. Being patient and having self-control can also be learned through practice.

Michael,

Could I recommend a book for you? Susan Anderson’s “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing”: http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning-ebook/dp/B004HW88LU/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=

I don’t think it solves everything, but it might give some comfort. There are actual neurological and psychological reasons for some of the feelings you are going through.

It *is* hard to let go, and I can completely relate to the feeling of wanting to be on the other side already. That said, as long as you compare your current situation with that of complete freedom and happiness, is it any wonder you’d feel even worse? Try to embrace the sorrow as well, live it and feel it. Take your time to really nurture yourself and tend to your wounds. That time of life is precious as well, and will make the times of happiness even sweeter 🙂

Hello Zita!

You don’t sound like a lost little brat, and you shouldn’t call yourself that.

This particular crisis hasn’t been that strong for me, but other major crises in my life lead to my own vision of my “self”.

I was going through a turmoil, where a lot of things that I had believed in just shattered. My view of myself being one of those things. My mind just sort of cracked and I allowed it to. What I felt was just peace and deep understanding. “I” no longer existed in that moment, and I just felt like this being full of love. When I thought about things, I didn’t respond to the thoughts as I usually would have, but just with love and understanding. I wouldn’t say that I felt connected to everything, but after that experience, I did often think about other people and how they would have a similar structure. That what I see in them, who they seem to be is not the totality of who they are, and what is underneath is more similar than different.

After those experiences, I lost the fear of an identity crisis. Who I am is more than my body and my personality. It helps me to be more flexible, and it’s good to be flexible, I think. I remember reading this short story on a website with Osho writings. I’ll paraphrase the story here:

It was about an army man, who knew his abilities and shortcomings and was very realistic about how to approach things. Osho called him a very brave man. The man himself at first said that he wasn’t brave, because he was actually afraid of things. Osho said that that’s what made him brave. The man accepted this idea. He then started to think of himself as a brave man and subsequently lost his ability to be realistic. He finally found himself in a situation where he was scared and realized that he wasn’t brave at all. His bravery wasn’t a fixed personality trait, but spawned from other qualities in him.

I think the story illustrates the problem with having strong beliefs about who you actually are. Us humans have the unfortunate quality that we are able to mix imagination and reality, and if we truly believe that we are something, then we live as we are that thing, even if we actually aren’t. Then when we are forced to face the reality, our world shatters and we face a crisis of the self.

So I say, be flexible 🙂 Does it matter who you are? If and when someone asks me what am I like as a person, I often respond that I’m a very typical Aquarian, regardless of if you believe in that or not. I have many of the qualities ascribed to Aquarians. I’m still not going to take it too seriously. I’d rather be flexible and try to allow my true nature to come out at all times. If you believe that you are a certain type and hold onto that belief, then it would constrain you. You wouldn’t be able to be authentic anymore, because you’d think that “I am a person who’s so I must respond to this situation in a certain way”. Who you are will become apparent at every turn, and even if you didn’t know who you are, you still wouldn’t be lost, because you’re still alive, in your body.

If you think about it, the whole “who am I?” question with feelings of being lost is kind of absurd. There you are. There. Where you are right now 🙂 And you are who you are.

Roohi,

Did he tell you before that he did not want to discuss his past with you, or did he let you believe that he had told you everything?

P.S. I removed the first part of my first post, as I thought it was unnecessary, but it seems you saw it anyway, and responded to it 🙂 I’ll add it back, so that other people can follow the thread as well.

P.P.S. I can’t seem to be able to edit it anymore. I guess it does not matter that much.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by The Ruminant.

I’m so glad Jasmin’s post resonated with you. It made me happy as well! 🙂

Jack, please don’t take my comments about possibly coming across the wrong way personally. The reason I pointed that out was that sometimes people have the best of intentions, but they are anxious or nervous and it ends up coming across the wrong way. I wasn’t sure if that was the case, but it looks like Jasmine’s interpretation hit closer to home.

…and like Jasmine said, please stop the negative self-talk. It makes a huge difference in life. You have no idea how much power those pords have over you until you stop them. It’s a hugely liberating experience!

I don’t think you were being condescending 🙂 The reason I asked about the word “disrespect” was that it can be used in different ways. Sometimes people feel that they are being disrespected because they expect a certain behavior towards them and do not get what they want. There is a difference between being disrespected as a human being and being disrespected as a man (or a woman). But I think I can understand your situation better now, after your further explanation.

First of all, I’d like to say that it is certainly possible that there is a hostile environment at your workplace and it could be because you’re a man. Anything is possible. All workplaces have their own culture and atmosphere. Some can be terribly dysfunctional. All that it needs is one egoistic or bitter person to make the whole place toxic. If that is the case, I do not know. It’s impossible to say.

Secondly, it makes sense that you might have problems approaching women if you’ve grown up with all brothers and in a strict religious environment. It is much easier for men who have grown up surrounded by women. They know that women aren’t some mystical creatures and there’s no need to be afraid of them. I can understand that it’s different for someone who grew up in a different kind of environment.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being old-fashioned, but there is a difference in how it can come across. I think that it is really important that what ever you do, however you behave, that you do it with a pure heart, confidence and authenticity.

People, not just women, sense when you do things out of fear, or if you want to manipulate someone or if it’s in some other way a fake gesture. They also sense how much you value yourself, and will treat you accordingly. The combination of fear, not liking yourself and treating women as women first and human beings second can come across in a terrible way. I know you don’t mean it that way, and I do feel for you.

I think it would be so important that you work on liking yourself more. You need love and compassion. A lot of it! It’s not just about your work environment, but other aspects of your life as well. Being true to yourself, accepting yourself as you are and loving yourself stops the second guessing. If someone would still treat you poorly, you’d know that it was their own problems coming to the surface and had nothing to do with you. Could you allow yourself to be open for love, joy, compassion?

I’m also more of an explorer type. I also do not have one particular passion that I could point to. OK, perhaps cooking, but even that is more about exploration. It is not the same as it seems to be with many other people. I do not dedicate my life to it. I have realized though that I have dedicated my life to exploring what it’s like to be human. Ever since I was a child, I was fascinated by why humans behave the way that they behave. I was interested in religions, philosophy, psychology… But if someone were to ask me “do you have a hobby that you feel passionate about?” then I would not have an answer to that. I also don’t have any particular career that I would be drawn to. I wanted to be a gazillion things when I was a child, but there never was any particular thing that I could envision myself doing. And I still can’t do that 🙂