Yellow, I was going to recommend a book for you which helped me, but for some reason it’s sold out AND there is no Kindle version anymore. This is the second time that’s happened to Susan Anderson’s books, so it’s weird… Anyway, the concept is still explained here: http://outerchild.net/outer-child/books-blogs-overcoming-self-sabotage-and-abandonment-issues

Also, I meant to say that our comfort zone is anything but comforting… 🙂

I’ve done it. All I can think of as a reason, was that happiness was such an alien feeling, that it felt scary and uncomfortable. All I can think of as a solution is to suck it up when you feel happy and get used to it. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

I start with my usual disclosure of being a complete failure in my past relationships 🙂 So, you know, perhaps my thoughts on the subject aren’t very valid…

I think it depends on intention. You say that you don’t need to be in a relationship and that it just happens. Then what would be wrong with that? Assuming that you are being completely honest with yourself. As for love, I think it’s actually healthier to be able to continue loving as things evolve and people pass through your life. Don’t confuse love for being clingy or that if it doesn’t hurt like hell when it ends, it never was that important to begin with. Also, it sounds like for you love isn’t that complicated 🙂

I also don’t think that you have to be alone to figure things out. Besides, you can still have moments of isolation even if you are in a relationship. You still have your own privacy and your own thoughts and feelings and your own personal space. Why would you learn more about love when isolated than when with another person?

Why does this bother you? Do you feel like you are not growing as a person?

Lisa,

I want to just point out, that the reason I focused more on your part was because you’re the one who is here asking what to do. There is no doubt in my mind that he should work on a lot of things. The problem is though, that it’s not going to be helpful for you if we say “if only he would change, then everything would be OK”. That’s the mantra of codependents 🙂 You can only control yourself and be honest in your communication with others in what you need and what you feel.

It really does sound like the environment is rather toxic and you’re both (or all three of you) stuck in a difficult situation. I can completely understand that it’s very difficult to get your own confidence back to where it should be in an environment like that, and that it is indeed easier to withdraw. Could you be more active outside of your home, attending events with a healthy environment? Or perhaps even a support group of some kind? When you’re alone in your own space, it’s so much easier to start over-thinking things and ruminating over what is going on in your mind and sometimes things will blow out of proportion. Quite frankly, I think that’s what is happening to your husband as well.

I’m also not downplaying his flirting. Or perhaps I am a bit, as I’ve never really seen anything bad about flirting…when it’s healthy and not used as an ego-boost. I can also completely understand that it would become a bigger issue if both have some work to do with self-esteem. With higher self-esteem, a bit of a wink and a smile and laughter with others isn’t such a threat. It’s just being playful. But now it’s another nail in the coffin, so to speak.

I do hope that you’ll get some kind of resolution to everything, and that you don’t have to continue living in such a situation. It’s not good for anyone involved.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by The Ruminant.

Dear Lisa,

You use some interesting words like “how to handle my husband”. Your job is to handle yourself and your actions and communicate clearly what you feel and what you need. If something hurts you, it is your job to clearly state that you are hurting. How other people respond to that is outside of your control. You can hold onto your boundaries and refuse to be bullied with sarcastic comments. If you don’t respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself, then it is usually an invitation for other people to walk all over you.

I’m neither married, nor am I a parent, so I can’t personally know all the things that go into such dynamics. There’s just something about your writing that sounds like you go into your shell and you become passive and bitter. That’s not going to make you happy nor will it solve the situation. That said, it’s not just your job to make the marriage work and if your husband is giving you silent treatment, then he’s being passive-aggressive as well. He has to step up as well, but you can’t force him to, nor manipulate him. Can you talk with him without any shaming or guilting? Just express what you feel and what you need and ask what he needs and how he feels. If you felt loved and cared for, would the flirting feel as bad as it does right now? My point is that the flirting is a thing that you focus on right now, but is it really the root of all problems or something that has become a problem, because you don’t feel safe or acknowledged?

On top of that, you can also work on tending to yourself in ways that makes you feel safe, loved, acknowledged and cared for. Those things can come from yourself to yourself as well, and not only from other people.

If words are important to you, as they’ve always been to me, then it’s even more effective to take away those words for a while. Refusing to participate in a conversation and constantly interrupting it. When words start to appear, instead of grabbing onto them, actively let go. Refuse to hold them in your mind. It is kind of like a passive resistance.

It is possible to exist without having a constant narrative about what is happening, what has happened and what will happen. It is possible to just be. Even for a short while, and when you get the hang of it, it will be your refuge when things start to get too much for you to handle. Painful situations rarely last long. It is the mind that holds onto them and replays them over and over and over again, prolonging the pain or making it worse. Sure, your mind can also visualize things, and people do have flashbacks. But in order to analyze what you see and hear, you’ll need words and it’s the analysis part where things can start to go wrong and become twisted.

So how to stop the questions from appearing? You can’t prevent them from appearing, but you can refuse to continue the discussion or the thought process. If you’ve ever been interrupted a lot of times in a row, you’ll know that even forming a sentence will become really difficult. Same thing in this case. When you refuse to participate in the chatter, it will eventually die down and becomes more sporadic.

Take time to pay more attention to the sensations in your body. What you hear, see, feel, taste…without the narrative. Essentially, mindfulness meditation. You’ll notice how the constant narrative is not needed and that there is this other part of you as well: your body. The ego would like to think that it’s everything that you are and if it’s threatened, it’s like you’d die. But you’re not going to die, even if the ego would die, or shatter, or get bruised. The ego is there for a reason, but it needs to be in balance with everything else and it can’t be activated all the time, as if you were constantly under threat. You’re not, and being mindful about your surroundings helps to calm down and realize this.

I can’t really explain it much better, not least because English isn’t my first language 🙂 It’s also such an abstract subject. This is just how I got help for myself: by taking control over the words, I got control over my mind and subsequently my life.

John,

I glanced through your post and was left thinking how your problem is so very familiar to me and how I should explain what my own point of view about it is. In two words that would be “emotional immaturity”. Then I came back to read your post again, and only then did I notice that you had actually stated wanting to run back home to mom and dad 🙂

Now, please don’t take offense to my statement, as it’s not meant to be condescending. It is merely an observation I’ve made based on my own experiences. Here’s what I’ve observed in myself and in others:

When we’re young and start to face some of the more problematic issues in life, we all start to develop ways to cope with the stress and fear that comes along with it. We create defense mechanisms that work as sort of a buffer in-between our vulnerable core and the harsh external world. We could call that “ego”. It’s perfectly natural in itself. The problem comes from holding onto these old patterns of survival tactics and never dealing with the painful issues. Something which can be overwhelmingly scary when we’re children should be something that we can cope with when we’re adults. But unless we’re willing to face those fears and deal with them as adults, they never really go away, and we never develop mature ways of dealing with things. So we’re stuck with this childish side that comes out when we’re scared or hurt or stressed out.

Let’s say that your childish ways of dealing with things are coming out now that you have been under a lot of stress. Your girlfriend has been taking care of you and nurturing you. Is it any wonder that there’s no sexual spark in that sort of scenario? It’s tempting to just sabotage everything and seek another type of scenario where things would be easier. I have to commend you for understanding that running away isn’t going to solve things.

What would I do in your situation, knowing what I know now? Try to identify the moments when you start to think of running away and what sort of chatter is going on in your mind. Look at that chatter as that childish person who’s trying to sabotage your life and have a calm conversation with it. Allow your adult self to take more and more responsibility of your life. I have a post-it note above my computer that says “never complain, never explain”. It may seem harsh at first, but when you think about it, it really allows one to take responsibility of oneself and live in the moment. All kinds of excuses that we make to ourselves and to others are useless. Reality is what it is and we have to deal with it accordingly. Stop the mind chatter and take control.

Meditate. Definitely meditate, as that is a great way to cleanse the mind from old habits and allow it to grow. Mindfulness meditation has been proven to thicken the parts of the brain that are responsible for our emotional responses.

Imagine what it would be like if you were in control of your own life and took responsibility of all your actions. What would it be like to be that kind of man with the woman who loves you?

I would also like to point out that if these childish patterns arise in your personal life, then it’s more than likely that they also arise in your professional life. The childish ego creates a lot of drama and a lot of stress for you to cope with, which in turn activates these defenses even further. It’s a vicious cycle. If you were able to tackle that, even your professional life might become much better and you’d have better control over your own destiny.

I know that all of this may sound peculiar, and I wish I had a better way to explain it all so that it didn’t. But I know from my personal experience and observing other people that the immature mind is rather prevalent. More prevalent in those who had to “grow up” fast when they were kids, but it’s not limited to them. You can see adults in high positions who still blame all of their problems for external circumstances and who are always looking for a new fix and a new lover to feel better. Facing fears is indeed scary and painful, but the prize for becoming mature is definitely worth it. It is a whole new level of living and loving; much deeper and more satisfying, and there is no need to run away.