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The Ruminant

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Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 360 total)
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  • in reply to: Self Doubt #60129
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Victor!

    I think that the men here might have some valuable insights to give you, but I wanted to share couple of thoughts that came to mind reading your post.

    The problem with the PUA approach, entitlement in general and thoughts of an ideal relationship is that there might be a desire to cast people in particular roles, instead of allowing them to be human beings with free will.

    Instead of looking at a woman as a potential mate first, what if you’d look at her as a brand new person that you can get to know? Would you be interested in getting to know people and what their interests, hopes and dreams are, without placing expectations on them? Curiosity is a great antidote for fear. It’s like exploring a new territory. Without the curiosity, what would be the point of going on an adventure, when you could just sit at home and be comfortable.

    If you like Osho, then I’d recommend his “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other”. He talks about meeting another person just as you are and just as they are and how scary it can be, but how that is the essence of intimacy. You don’t want to desensitize yourself from other people (or be completely fearless). That’s not a way to have an intimate relationship. I know. I’ve done those mistakes! 🙂

    Anyway, I’m sure that the men here can contribute in a way that someone who’s never been a young man never could 🙂

    in reply to: Trouble just being. #60128
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’m a “her”, but otherwise I agree with John 😉 (my gender doesn’t really matter though in this situation)

    I never had any formal training in meditation, and was sort of thrown into cold water and just had to learn how to survive. I did it pretty much exactly how John is describing it. I refused to have conversations with myself, interrupted the words that started to form, and let go of those thoughts that did pop up. It took a bit of practice, but after a while, it was possible to just be without the constant narration. It is a really wonderful tool to have. I used to think so much all the time, that I resorted to alcohol to quiet down the mind. With each glass of red wine, the thoughts went down from a gazillion to only one, until I passed out. To be able to have some rest from the constant thinking without having to resort to such antics is a huge blessing. Now thinking is enjoyable again, as I can control it and it doesn’t control me. I control the words, the words do not control me. Life is more simple, as there’s really no need to analyze every possible thing that is going on. I can choose what’s worth the time and effort.

    But enough about me. Just wanted to share that and agree with John 🙂

    in reply to: Trouble just being. #60118
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Jason,

    I’m basing my own view of how things work on my personal experience. Having read plenty of similar experiences, I feel confident enough to share the view in hopes that it might help see things more clearly. I am not, however, making claims that I have access to some ultimate truth 🙂 I use poetic language to describe the experiences, because there is no other way to explain it. It is impossible to be literal or very practical with things that are so abstract.

    According to my experience, it is unconditional love that fills the void within and makes it possible to not be so dependent on external things and beings. A lot of people say that they feel unconditional love towards their children, but I think that’s different. There is a condition there, which is the familial connection. It is familial love (“I love you despite what you do, because you are part of my tribe”). In my own experience, what unconditional love feels like, is this radiant warmth towards the self and it fills you up so that the rest just radiates to your surroundings. Because you feel filled with love, you feel love, you are love. All of a sudden it’s easier to face others without judgment or fear. There is no need to cling onto someone else to provide the warmth, because you’re already filled with it. But in order to accept that such love would enter your heart, you have to accept yourself. Unless you love yourself unconditionally, you can’t have such love. The good thing is that it is you who gets to decide.

    It all sounds great and easy, but it’s not. We have secrets, guilt, fear, shame, that we simply do not want to face and accept. Some we can be aware of, others can be accessed through meditation. Years of accumulated fears and sorrows and shame that were left undealt with, because dealing with them was too difficult. Perhaps we haven’t received love or attention, and grown to believe that it was not for us, so we automatically reject love. It’s then easier to deny, look away, create illusions and move on. But if you don’t accept all of you and accept that you are worthy of love, then the love can’t enter and isn’t unconditional. It has conditions. It is like filling only parts of your being with light, but wishing to keep other parts in the dark. Those dark spots are then the ones that we try to fill with other things, other people, possessions. Sometimes even thinking of other people as possessions or the extension of the self.

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with having possessions and striving for achievements and having strong connections with other people. It is more about the intention. If the self-worth is tied to these things, then not only are you ever going to be free, the other people can’t be free either. “I need you, because without you I feel empty”. It places too much expectations on the other, and starts to destroy the connection. However, one could also feel completely content and happy, filled with light and love, and the connections are like a cherry on top of already wonderful existence. Those connections feel joyous, instead of necessary. “I’m so happy that I get to share my life with you”.

    I have no view of the meaning of life, so I can’t respond to such inquiry. I have stopped troubling myself with such questions. I’ll do the best that I can with what I’ve got and try to nurture life, love and light. It seems like the healthy thing to do. Basically, I am here now, for what ever reason, and I have the choice of spending that time living in denial and in darkness, emptiness, or I can face the fears and live in light and love and have a joyous existence. That is the simplest way of looking at it, from my perspective. Occam’s Razor approach 🙂

    Oh, and how does all of this work with mindfulness? I think that mindfulness is a tool to keep the mind from getting out of control and starting to get entangled again, creating new fears or holding onto old ones. The heart is probably ready to receive abundance of love, but the mind doesn’t always agree 🙂 So you’ll need to have tools to keep the mind in check and connected with the heart. At least that is how I see it.

    I have experienced pretty much both ends of the spectrum and have come to realize that whilst I’m not a walking bundle of love and compassion 24/7, living authentically is such a rush compared to trying to be something that you’re not. Essentially, accepting yourself as you are without judgment, and accepting the reality as it is. There are less regrets and fears, which were mostly just illusion as well. No need to make it more complicated than it is. If you like something, enjoy it. If you don’t like something, don’t pretend that you do.

    Regarding Vipassana, if someone is interested in it, there are couple of interesting documentaries on YouTube:

    One is Doing Time, Doing Vipassana: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkxSyv5R1sg I think it’s a very fascinating one and have watched it a few times. It has an interesting point about how these people lived in a jail with hellish conditions, yet still admitted that sitting alone with your thoughts was more difficult.

    Another is a documentary called The Dhamma Brothers, preceded by an interview of Thich Nhat Hanh about mindful living: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PCXeHNL3s8

    I hope that was all more clarifying than confusing 🙂

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by The Ruminant.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by The Ruminant.
    in reply to: Tiny Buddha Has Become The Lonely Hearts Club #60087
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Thank you, Inky, for your elaboration. Perhaps calling it a “checklist” or “the collective wisdom on separation and heartbreak” might be descriptive?

    in reply to: How can we be the change we want to see? #60076
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Bill,

    The answer to the question “How can we be the change we want to see?” is simply to “Be the change you want to see” 🙂 I’m not trying to be frivolous, but that really is the answer. You strive to encompass the attitudes that you wish others would encompass. Whether or not that is the answer to healing the world is a philosophical question. I believe it to be. Not everyone agrees. Some think that the end justifies the means. I know people who fight against social injustice by singling out specific groups of people and attacking them. I find it to be ironic and only adding to the problem. They think it’s the solution. Who’s right? I don’t know, so I’ll leave it at that.

    I would like to address your personal predicament though. I can understand the worry over the state of our world. It feels scary and frustrating when things change on a massive scale and it feels like there is no way to stop it. But for a moment, let’s step back a bit and get some distance to the issue. In fact, let’s not think about the environmental issues at all for a moment and look at something else completely.

    People have all kinds of goals and dreams in life that they want to achieve. They vary from wanting to have a small garden to wanting to travel in space to wanting to learn how to draw to wanting to lose weight. The goal is different, but the way to get there hardly ever is just one big leap that is easy to take. If it was, they wouldn’t be dreams. We would’ve done it already and would be dreaming about something else. Yet there is a clear difference in attitude in different people on how to achieve the goals. There are those who will wait for the opportunity to take a couple of huge leaps and then it’s there. Smaller steps seem like a waste of time and energy. There are those who look at the goal, compare it to where they are now, and decide that it’s never going to happen. It’s impossible to achieve. Yet there are those people who somehow manage to achieve the seemingly impossible. They are often the ones who don’t think that the small steps are a waste. It may be small, but it’s a step forward. Sometimes people take some sidesteps. Again, attitude is what makes the difference. You can either think of it as a complete disaster which ruined the chances of reaching the goal, or you can see of it as an opportunity to learn what not to do in order to reach the goal.

    I had this epiphany when I was attending a drawing class and simultaneously reading the book The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner. In the class I learned that drawing was a really, really slow process and it took a really long time of very detailed work to get a small thing done. It was the perfect ground for getting frustrated. But after a while I learned to love the process and just focused on it and stopped fretting over when is the drawing going to be ready. Sterner’s book had some wonderful insights about this shift in attitude as well. People constantly compare the starting situation with the goal, get overwhelmed and freeze. The project is way too daunting to overtake, because it’s too much. It takes too long and it’s too difficult. Interestingly, the people still continue to dream that they’ll reach their goal, they just stop doing things to reach it. They wait for some magical occurrence that will change everything and one day the goal has been reached. They don’t want to waste time on taking small steps, but they are content wasting time on doing nothing 🙂

    You can’t change the whole world just like that. You can take small steps towards it. Instead of wasting your energy on worrying over something you can’t control, why not spend your energy on something that you can control? All big journeys start with small steps and even group activities require someone to take the first step. You are creating these hurdles to yourself by imagining that you should achieve things on a grand scale, and if you don’t, it’s not enough. That’s all ego talk. Humility and perseverance is better.

    in reply to: Trouble just being. #60074
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Jason,

    You say that you sit quietly, trying to truly see the beauty of this world. What if you sit quietly, just seeing the world as it is, without trying to see it in a certain way? If you just simply are, without trying to be something, what happens? If you’re looking at a flower and trying to force yourself to appreciate it, when you really don’t, then what you are teaching yourself is how to appear to be enjoying life. Of course it will feel fake, because it’s not your authentic reaction to a flower. Sit with a flower and look at it and allow yourself to feel what ever comes natural.

    When I personally sense discomfort somewhere, that is where I know I should look. It is like giving a massage for the psyche: rubbing the muscles that are in good condition can feel nice, but rubbing the places that hurt gives the real rewards. Or like John said, seeing it as a muscle to be exercised. We tend to naturally exercise the parts that we see can give us some instant rewards, and tend to stay away from the parts that seem pointless or are uncomfortable to train.

    Like Natasha, I also grew up in a dysfunctional environment. As a result, I can sense the mood changes in other people and can sense what is lying underneath the polished exterior. Yet, I could be incredibly blind to myself. I had no idea what my identity was and who I was, as I had always been focusing on other people instead of myself. When I was forced to sit alone with myself, without any attachments to what I represented to the world around me, I felt like I was going to disappear! Like there was nothing there, inside of me. Just a deep, dark abyss of nothingness. I’m not going to lie, it was horrifying to experience that, and I can understand completely why people are reluctant to sit alone, facing emptiness, stillness. Yet, it’s not going to be empty forever. That side will grow as well, you’ll just have to give it time.

    When being silent, things will come out that are uncomfortable to see, but unless they are acknowledged, they’ll stay with you until you face them and say “OK, I accept you, I’ve seen you”. Whilst not completely there yet myself, I’m starting to see how the real enjoyment of life comes from the complete acceptance of the self and the reality. As it is, not as we would want it to be. Also, even if you were stripped of all of your achievements and belongings, what was left would still be pure, natural and precious. The unique body, mind and soul of Jason, who’s much more than just his accomplishments and the sum of his parts. How Jason sees and experiences a flower is completely unique in this world. Perhaps it is of no interest to you to know how you feel about flowers, but the same applies to everything else as well. Your authentic and unique experiences and thoughts and feelings are golden and more interesting than a degree in dentistry or being a cage fighter. Nothing wrong with those accomplishments, but those aren’t the really juicy parts 🙂

    If I were you, I’d use the natural inclination of being project oriented and seek a meditation group or a teacher of some sort, who could guide you on your journey. I personally want to some day attend a Vipassana course, which seems to be about facing the world and yourself as it is, without trying to run away from it. But since I don’t have personal experience of it, I don’t know if it would be something for you or not. I do hope that you’ll find something. Or at least become comfortable with the nothingness 🙂

    in reply to: Tiny Buddha Has Become The Lonely Hearts Club #60066
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    My post was directed at the OP and the general idea behind creating a “sticky” FAQ type of thread. There is an undercurrent of dismissiveness in the idea that people’s posts are too similar and the advice given is always the same, and so it’s not fun anymore for those who seek something else. Instead of looking at the situation with compassion and understanding, it was treated with an engineering approach of “how about we save everyone’s time and give the answers before anyone even asks”. But that is missing the point of why people post and why they reach out.

    I know that it’s very common in all forums; the regulars get bored because the incoming posts and questions are always so similar. People asking the same questions over and over again. Some will stop seeing the people behind the posts and simply see the questions. From that perspective, it makes sense to give the answers beforehand, so that nobody has to ask and they’ll gain from the wisdom of others. On another type of forum that dealt with something that was more information specific, that might work. But this is clearly a different kind of place where a lot of people come after searching for help and answers to the questions like “why does it hurt so much” and “how can I move on”. They need someone to hold their hand for a moment, to listen and to understand. It is not beneficial to them to be first told that “before you post, you should read this”. It is not a compassionate and welcoming approach, however well meant it would be.

    You can make lists and you can post your personal experiences for what ever personal reason, be that catharsis or simply the desire to share your gained knowledge. I’m sure those are beneficial. I am calling out the dismissive attitude, not the content of the lists.

    in reply to: Tiny Buddha Has Become The Lonely Hearts Club #60017
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    This is an interesting post, because it kind of describes why I don’t quite like this place anymore, but for a different reason. Sure, there are a lot of people who ask the same questions, but to offer them a pre-made list and to wave their questions as “has been asked and answered before” just shows that the ego of the person who’s answering is bigger and more important than the suffering of the person who’s seeking help. There are already a ton of articles on the Tiny Buddha site with lists on what to do and how to get over pain. The people who come here want to interact with others and talk about what is going on in their life.

    Everyone who comes here wants to be seen and heard as individuals, regardless of what they write and what they ask. They may be asking for the most simple things, where the answer should be obvious to everyone, but to focus on that is missing the point. People in desperate situations seek human connection, sympathy and understanding, and a place where they can talk about their own suffering without judgment. They’re unlikely to want to be treated as battery hens, each given the same treatment and popped in and out of a machine.

    So please, check your ego and have a little heart.

    in reply to: crippling shame… #59314
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi Bruce,

    Whilst I’m not usually a fan of making comparisons and pointing out that someone has it worse than you do, I feel like it would be OK this time to put your situation into perspective. There was an American football player who had an online affair with someone. He felt like this person was his girlfriend. I can’t remember the full details, but something happened and she distanced herself from him and told some really sad story why they had to part ways. For some reason this whole thing started to unravel and it turned out that the girlfriend was a guy. So not only was his trust broken, the whole thing was played out in the press. I have to say that I felt a lot of compassion for them both. The football player for falling for the whole thing and the man on the other end, who said that he just wanted to try what it would feel like and that he got hooked and was really ashamed and sorry for what he had done, and that he never meant to hurt anyone.

    We’re all human and want to feel loved and we want to believe that the person who entered our lives would be “The One” (if that is what we are looking for). We also all the time assume things and fill in the gaps to be what we want them to be. So of course the person on the other end, who also just wants something, will sometimes allow the other one to make these assumptions. We wish so hard that things would turn out for the best. The person in your case wished so much that even after you said “no”, he still pursued to be accepted by you. I don’t think he now feels like a million dollars either.

    When trust is broken it’s horrible, and I know that for me, personally, one of the biggest insults is when I end up looking foolish (I’m also a bit of a perfectionist). But then there have been times when there was just no way out of that feeling of shame, and the only solution was to face it and accept it, and guess what? It’s a great tool for growth as well. I once had a discussion about being “shamed” with someone online. I’m not sure what had happened to her, but she said that all her secrets had been revealed, or something like that. She couldn’t do anything about it, so it forced her to just become completely open. She had nothing to hide anymore, and instead of feeling shame, she became this blossoming individual, filled with compassion for others and deep understanding for humanity. So you know, it can be a blessing as well…

    Things tend to blow out of proportion in your own head, and the reality is that what happened to you is a drop in the ocean of life. You’re not the first person to go through something like that and you’re not the last. Both of you got caught up in a perfectly human situation of wanting to be wanted, and there is no shame in that. Try to be more compassionate towards yourself as well as the other person 🙂

    in reply to: How can relationships even work in this generation? #59307
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I agree with Jasmine 🙂

    What occurred to me was that we could change the topic of sex to food and have similar problems and arguments. How can anyone stay lean and healthy in a society where there is such easy access to fast food? What about the consequences to relationships? Is it appropriate for someone in a relationship to eat a lot when they feel stressed out or emotionally neglected, and as a result gain weight and place their health in jeopardy?

    It’s natural to seek blame elsewhere when something hurts, but aren’t we all still responsible for ourselves and our own happiness (and health)? Ultimately being lazy and greedy and overindulging oneself does not bring happiness (quite the opposite) and people will find that out for themselves sooner or later. We could try to forcefully prevent them from finding that out for themselves, but our desire for freedom is so great that we would gradually go back to a situation where people want to be free to self-destruct, if they so wish.

    I bet people haven’t fundamentally changed. If someone would’ve offered a human living in the Paleolithic era the chance to sit inside, eat burgers and fries and watch porn, they would’ve taken that chance. We evolve constantly and so do the problems that we face, and we will adapt and find solutions for those problems, until we yet again face other types of problems. People probably will want to have simpler lives in the future, but it will take us time to get to that stage, and when we finally arrive, we’ll have whole new problems to deal with.

    in reply to: Trust Issues #59304
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    @tash That is funny, because I also want to form my own view of the world and not be swayed by others’ beliefs 🙂 Then again, there are a lot of similarities in ACAs. The reason I like David Richo is that he is very gentle in his explanations of what might a healthy relationship look like. It’s not a doctrine forced upon you.

    I am very suspicious of anyone who claims to have access to some sort of ultimate truth. I pick up different pieces here and there and see what is a good fit for me in that particular time in my life. That is the same approach I take to my posts here: I do not claim to know everything, but I want to share what has helped me. If it might offer a missing piece to someone in that moment, then great! If not, then that’s OK. I also find that there are some basic principles that seem to be universal, but how we perceive them and how we understand them, differs. So I keep preaching my own view of what I think unconditional love is, not because I believe that my version is the whole truth, but because there might be someone out there who can understand my point of view easier than someone else’s. Ultimately, the most important thing is that people will find peace in themselves.

    …and so that I would not completely derail this thread, I’ll respond to the OP as well 🙂


    @carlsbarkley
    Like others have pointed out, you need to trust yourself in order to trust others. Even if you had access to knowledge of everything that your partner does, it would not take away the underlying problem of fear of losing him. I don’t think that you can force yourself to let go and allow him to be. It happens naturally when you find the fulfillment in yourself. There is no need to grab onto another person when you are content in who you are. It becomes easier to allow others to be who they are.

    Another thing that happens with self-love and fulfillment is that since you view yourself as a worthy human being, you’ll naturally gravitate towards people who see you the same way, and you’ll naturally let go of the people who don’t share your feeling of contentment and love. When you are looking for a fix from outside of yourself, someone to fill the void, it’s much easier to accept all kinds of behavior from others, even when they hurt you and treat you poorly. You can’t let them go, because you need them for a feeling of fulfillment. But if you are fulfilled already, the poor treatment becomes a repellant. Why stay with those who try to hold you down?

    But the prerequisite is self-love, self-respect, self-nurturing…

    in reply to: Trust Issues #59301
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    @tash I adore your post. It reflects the same realizations I’ve found in my own life, even though I do still get lost and forget what I should be doing. By the way, have you ever read any of David Richo’s books? I think you might enjoy them, as he writes about finding trust in oneself after a difficult childhood and how to be an adult in relationships.

    in reply to: The Beginning of a new life #59300
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Miguel,

    Judging by the date on the articles, your website is only a week old? It will take a lot more time and a lot more good quality content for you to start seeing traffic. Search engines look for text content and judge it according to certain criteria. Whilst you can do a bit of Search Engine Optimization, your best bet is always to just continue creating good quality content. On top of that you can also be active on websites popular with teenagers.

    If I may, I would suggest that you used a spellchecker and paid more attention to the text. It is very difficult to read a text where the commas are surrounded by spaces and every word is capitalized. The rules for writing exist for that reason, so that communication would be easier between people.

    I believe that anyone who is passionate about a topic can become a popular content provider, so continue tapping into your authentic point of view and show it to the world!

    Best of luck on your journey.

    in reply to: Venting #59290
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello.

    You had changed your profile, so I am not sure which name to call you. Out of curiosity, why the change?

    I can relate to what you are saying through my own history. Now that it is in the past for me, it is easier to see things from another perspective.

    First of all, when one is depressed, the whole narrative changes. How you explain to yourself everything is vastly different from how you would explain your life events if you weren’t in a depressed state of mind. So yes, it is good to accept the feelings of pain, but to create a story around it might lead you onto a wrong path, away from the actual truth. By all means document your feelings and express the pain, but do be careful, as words are very powerful.

    My personal view of depression is when one lives a life that is not in sync with what is actually happening. Constantly wishing that things were different or obsessive thoughts about the past or fear about the future. The life that is lived in those moments is not actual living, but rather, being in a state of mind removed from life.

    I got a lot of attention when I was a young woman, yet still always felt like nobody could actually see me. The real me. It was horrible and whilst I wouldn’t describe the feeling as loneliness, it was still a state of not being connected with other people. Only now do I realize that I was the one who prevented the connection. I didn’t allow people to see the real me and I was constantly shielding myself in various ways. Partly still do. So, what was inside of me, my core, that so needed a human connection, slowly withered and suffered. The more I suffered, the more I came up with ways to protect myself from the very thing that would’ve brought life back to me. So yes, I know that you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, but you are the only one who can change that. You are the gatekeeper to your own authentic existence.

    It is also not just human connection, but connection with your surroundings, connecting with animals, plants, the earth, the sun… When depressed, it feels like sun doesn’t quite shine through and the life giving rays are blocked. But that sun is needed, just like all the rest of it is needed to feel alive.

    It is possible to do everything “right” and still not reach the state of being truly alive. It is also possible to do everything “wrong” and feel the life force rushing through your veins. The difference is in the attitude, and an attitude can not be faked.

    What did you want to do when you were a child? What were your dreams and aspirations? What made you feel happy? What made you feel safe? If you can remember those things, then that is one way to access your authenticity; the time before adulthood, when being and living a certain way become a way to fit in. It is so very important to accept and tend to all parts of ourselves, even when we think that they are not acceptable. Especially if we think that they are not acceptable! You can’t live fully whilst denying a part of you.

    Also, try not to over-think things. Feel instead. Sit in the sun for a moment, and open your heart. Touch the grass and smell it, feel it, experience it. Without trying to think what it feels like. That would also be an authentic experience. Words can create a buffer between you and life, and removing them for a moment can create intimacy.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by The Ruminant.
    in reply to: Sex > Creating friendships #59243
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Blaice,

    After reading this post and your previous ones, it seems to me as if you are idealizing love and aren’t quite able to accept that other people are different from you. There are also some discrepancies, which would suggest that you might be idealizing yourself as well. None of that bodes well for healthy relationships. Unfortunately you might not see that, but see the problems in the surroundings; if only other people would change, then things would be better.

    Perhaps you are shielding your sensitive self, but by doing that, you’re denying it real love and real experiences. The illusion can never be as good as the real thing. Allow your soul the possibility to breathe and to be authentic.

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