Hello Victor!

I think that the men here might have some valuable insights to give you, but I wanted to share couple of thoughts that came to mind reading your post.

The problem with the PUA approach, entitlement in general and thoughts of an ideal relationship is that there might be a desire to cast people in particular roles, instead of allowing them to be human beings with free will.

Instead of looking at a woman as a potential mate first, what if you’d look at her as a brand new person that you can get to know? Would you be interested in getting to know people and what their interests, hopes and dreams are, without placing expectations on them? Curiosity is a great antidote for fear. It’s like exploring a new territory. Without the curiosity, what would be the point of going on an adventure, when you could just sit at home and be comfortable.

If you like Osho, then I’d recommend his “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other”. He talks about meeting another person just as you are and just as they are and how scary it can be, but how that is the essence of intimacy. You don’t want to desensitize yourself from other people (or be completely fearless). That’s not a way to have an intimate relationship. I know. I’ve done those mistakes! 🙂

Anyway, I’m sure that the men here can contribute in a way that someone who’s never been a young man never could 🙂

Jason,

I’m basing my own view of how things work on my personal experience. Having read plenty of similar experiences, I feel confident enough to share the view in hopes that it might help see things more clearly. I am not, however, making claims that I have access to some ultimate truth 🙂 I use poetic language to describe the experiences, because there is no other way to explain it. It is impossible to be literal or very practical with things that are so abstract.

According to my experience, it is unconditional love that fills the void within and makes it possible to not be so dependent on external things and beings. A lot of people say that they feel unconditional love towards their children, but I think that’s different. There is a condition there, which is the familial connection. It is familial love (“I love you despite what you do, because you are part of my tribe”). In my own experience, what unconditional love feels like, is this radiant warmth towards the self and it fills you up so that the rest just radiates to your surroundings. Because you feel filled with love, you feel love, you are love. All of a sudden it’s easier to face others without judgment or fear. There is no need to cling onto someone else to provide the warmth, because you’re already filled with it. But in order to accept that such love would enter your heart, you have to accept yourself. Unless you love yourself unconditionally, you can’t have such love. The good thing is that it is you who gets to decide.

It all sounds great and easy, but it’s not. We have secrets, guilt, fear, shame, that we simply do not want to face and accept. Some we can be aware of, others can be accessed through meditation. Years of accumulated fears and sorrows and shame that were left undealt with, because dealing with them was too difficult. Perhaps we haven’t received love or attention, and grown to believe that it was not for us, so we automatically reject love. It’s then easier to deny, look away, create illusions and move on. But if you don’t accept all of you and accept that you are worthy of love, then the love can’t enter and isn’t unconditional. It has conditions. It is like filling only parts of your being with light, but wishing to keep other parts in the dark. Those dark spots are then the ones that we try to fill with other things, other people, possessions. Sometimes even thinking of other people as possessions or the extension of the self.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having possessions and striving for achievements and having strong connections with other people. It is more about the intention. If the self-worth is tied to these things, then not only are you ever going to be free, the other people can’t be free either. “I need you, because without you I feel empty”. It places too much expectations on the other, and starts to destroy the connection. However, one could also feel completely content and happy, filled with light and love, and the connections are like a cherry on top of already wonderful existence. Those connections feel joyous, instead of necessary. “I’m so happy that I get to share my life with you”.

I have no view of the meaning of life, so I can’t respond to such inquiry. I have stopped troubling myself with such questions. I’ll do the best that I can with what I’ve got and try to nurture life, love and light. It seems like the healthy thing to do. Basically, I am here now, for what ever reason, and I have the choice of spending that time living in denial and in darkness, emptiness, or I can face the fears and live in light and love and have a joyous existence. That is the simplest way of looking at it, from my perspective. Occam’s Razor approach 🙂

Oh, and how does all of this work with mindfulness? I think that mindfulness is a tool to keep the mind from getting out of control and starting to get entangled again, creating new fears or holding onto old ones. The heart is probably ready to receive abundance of love, but the mind doesn’t always agree 🙂 So you’ll need to have tools to keep the mind in check and connected with the heart. At least that is how I see it.

I have experienced pretty much both ends of the spectrum and have come to realize that whilst I’m not a walking bundle of love and compassion 24/7, living authentically is such a rush compared to trying to be something that you’re not. Essentially, accepting yourself as you are without judgment, and accepting the reality as it is. There are less regrets and fears, which were mostly just illusion as well. No need to make it more complicated than it is. If you like something, enjoy it. If you don’t like something, don’t pretend that you do.

Regarding Vipassana, if someone is interested in it, there are couple of interesting documentaries on YouTube:

One is Doing Time, Doing Vipassana: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkxSyv5R1sg I think it’s a very fascinating one and have watched it a few times. It has an interesting point about how these people lived in a jail with hellish conditions, yet still admitted that sitting alone with your thoughts was more difficult.

Another is a documentary called The Dhamma Brothers, preceded by an interview of Thich Nhat Hanh about mindful living: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PCXeHNL3s8

I hope that was all more clarifying than confusing 🙂

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.

Bill,

The answer to the question “How can we be the change we want to see?” is simply to “Be the change you want to see” 🙂 I’m not trying to be frivolous, but that really is the answer. You strive to encompass the attitudes that you wish others would encompass. Whether or not that is the answer to healing the world is a philosophical question. I believe it to be. Not everyone agrees. Some think that the end justifies the means. I know people who fight against social injustice by singling out specific groups of people and attacking them. I find it to be ironic and only adding to the problem. They think it’s the solution. Who’s right? I don’t know, so I’ll leave it at that.

I would like to address your personal predicament though. I can understand the worry over the state of our world. It feels scary and frustrating when things change on a massive scale and it feels like there is no way to stop it. But for a moment, let’s step back a bit and get some distance to the issue. In fact, let’s not think about the environmental issues at all for a moment and look at something else completely.

People have all kinds of goals and dreams in life that they want to achieve. They vary from wanting to have a small garden to wanting to travel in space to wanting to learn how to draw to wanting to lose weight. The goal is different, but the way to get there hardly ever is just one big leap that is easy to take. If it was, they wouldn’t be dreams. We would’ve done it already and would be dreaming about something else. Yet there is a clear difference in attitude in different people on how to achieve the goals. There are those who will wait for the opportunity to take a couple of huge leaps and then it’s there. Smaller steps seem like a waste of time and energy. There are those who look at the goal, compare it to where they are now, and decide that it’s never going to happen. It’s impossible to achieve. Yet there are those people who somehow manage to achieve the seemingly impossible. They are often the ones who don’t think that the small steps are a waste. It may be small, but it’s a step forward. Sometimes people take some sidesteps. Again, attitude is what makes the difference. You can either think of it as a complete disaster which ruined the chances of reaching the goal, or you can see of it as an opportunity to learn what not to do in order to reach the goal.

I had this epiphany when I was attending a drawing class and simultaneously reading the book The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner. In the class I learned that drawing was a really, really slow process and it took a really long time of very detailed work to get a small thing done. It was the perfect ground for getting frustrated. But after a while I learned to love the process and just focused on it and stopped fretting over when is the drawing going to be ready. Sterner’s book had some wonderful insights about this shift in attitude as well. People constantly compare the starting situation with the goal, get overwhelmed and freeze. The project is way too daunting to overtake, because it’s too much. It takes too long and it’s too difficult. Interestingly, the people still continue to dream that they’ll reach their goal, they just stop doing things to reach it. They wait for some magical occurrence that will change everything and one day the goal has been reached. They don’t want to waste time on taking small steps, but they are content wasting time on doing nothing 🙂

You can’t change the whole world just like that. You can take small steps towards it. Instead of wasting your energy on worrying over something you can’t control, why not spend your energy on something that you can control? All big journeys start with small steps and even group activities require someone to take the first step. You are creating these hurdles to yourself by imagining that you should achieve things on a grand scale, and if you don’t, it’s not enough. That’s all ego talk. Humility and perseverance is better.

My post was directed at the OP and the general idea behind creating a “sticky” FAQ type of thread. There is an undercurrent of dismissiveness in the idea that people’s posts are too similar and the advice given is always the same, and so it’s not fun anymore for those who seek something else. Instead of looking at the situation with compassion and understanding, it was treated with an engineering approach of “how about we save everyone’s time and give the answers before anyone even asks”. But that is missing the point of why people post and why they reach out.

I know that it’s very common in all forums; the regulars get bored because the incoming posts and questions are always so similar. People asking the same questions over and over again. Some will stop seeing the people behind the posts and simply see the questions. From that perspective, it makes sense to give the answers beforehand, so that nobody has to ask and they’ll gain from the wisdom of others. On another type of forum that dealt with something that was more information specific, that might work. But this is clearly a different kind of place where a lot of people come after searching for help and answers to the questions like “why does it hurt so much” and “how can I move on”. They need someone to hold their hand for a moment, to listen and to understand. It is not beneficial to them to be first told that “before you post, you should read this”. It is not a compassionate and welcoming approach, however well meant it would be.

You can make lists and you can post your personal experiences for what ever personal reason, be that catharsis or simply the desire to share your gained knowledge. I’m sure those are beneficial. I am calling out the dismissive attitude, not the content of the lists.

Hi Bruce,

Whilst I’m not usually a fan of making comparisons and pointing out that someone has it worse than you do, I feel like it would be OK this time to put your situation into perspective. There was an American football player who had an online affair with someone. He felt like this person was his girlfriend. I can’t remember the full details, but something happened and she distanced herself from him and told some really sad story why they had to part ways. For some reason this whole thing started to unravel and it turned out that the girlfriend was a guy. So not only was his trust broken, the whole thing was played out in the press. I have to say that I felt a lot of compassion for them both. The football player for falling for the whole thing and the man on the other end, who said that he just wanted to try what it would feel like and that he got hooked and was really ashamed and sorry for what he had done, and that he never meant to hurt anyone.

We’re all human and want to feel loved and we want to believe that the person who entered our lives would be “The One” (if that is what we are looking for). We also all the time assume things and fill in the gaps to be what we want them to be. So of course the person on the other end, who also just wants something, will sometimes allow the other one to make these assumptions. We wish so hard that things would turn out for the best. The person in your case wished so much that even after you said “no”, he still pursued to be accepted by you. I don’t think he now feels like a million dollars either.

When trust is broken it’s horrible, and I know that for me, personally, one of the biggest insults is when I end up looking foolish (I’m also a bit of a perfectionist). But then there have been times when there was just no way out of that feeling of shame, and the only solution was to face it and accept it, and guess what? It’s a great tool for growth as well. I once had a discussion about being “shamed” with someone online. I’m not sure what had happened to her, but she said that all her secrets had been revealed, or something like that. She couldn’t do anything about it, so it forced her to just become completely open. She had nothing to hide anymore, and instead of feeling shame, she became this blossoming individual, filled with compassion for others and deep understanding for humanity. So you know, it can be a blessing as well…

Things tend to blow out of proportion in your own head, and the reality is that what happened to you is a drop in the ocean of life. You’re not the first person to go through something like that and you’re not the last. Both of you got caught up in a perfectly human situation of wanting to be wanted, and there is no shame in that. Try to be more compassionate towards yourself as well as the other person 🙂

@tash That is funny, because I also want to form my own view of the world and not be swayed by others’ beliefs 🙂 Then again, there are a lot of similarities in ACAs. The reason I like David Richo is that he is very gentle in his explanations of what might a healthy relationship look like. It’s not a doctrine forced upon you.

I am very suspicious of anyone who claims to have access to some sort of ultimate truth. I pick up different pieces here and there and see what is a good fit for me in that particular time in my life. That is the same approach I take to my posts here: I do not claim to know everything, but I want to share what has helped me. If it might offer a missing piece to someone in that moment, then great! If not, then that’s OK. I also find that there are some basic principles that seem to be universal, but how we perceive them and how we understand them, differs. So I keep preaching my own view of what I think unconditional love is, not because I believe that my version is the whole truth, but because there might be someone out there who can understand my point of view easier than someone else’s. Ultimately, the most important thing is that people will find peace in themselves.

…and so that I would not completely derail this thread, I’ll respond to the OP as well 🙂

@carlsbarkley Like others have pointed out, you need to trust yourself in order to trust others. Even if you had access to knowledge of everything that your partner does, it would not take away the underlying problem of fear of losing him. I don’t think that you can force yourself to let go and allow him to be. It happens naturally when you find the fulfillment in yourself. There is no need to grab onto another person when you are content in who you are. It becomes easier to allow others to be who they are.

Another thing that happens with self-love and fulfillment is that since you view yourself as a worthy human being, you’ll naturally gravitate towards people who see you the same way, and you’ll naturally let go of the people who don’t share your feeling of contentment and love. When you are looking for a fix from outside of yourself, someone to fill the void, it’s much easier to accept all kinds of behavior from others, even when they hurt you and treat you poorly. You can’t let them go, because you need them for a feeling of fulfillment. But if you are fulfilled already, the poor treatment becomes a repellant. Why stay with those who try to hold you down?

But the prerequisite is self-love, self-respect, self-nurturing…

Miguel,

Judging by the date on the articles, your website is only a week old? It will take a lot more time and a lot more good quality content for you to start seeing traffic. Search engines look for text content and judge it according to certain criteria. Whilst you can do a bit of Search Engine Optimization, your best bet is always to just continue creating good quality content. On top of that you can also be active on websites popular with teenagers.

If I may, I would suggest that you used a spellchecker and paid more attention to the text. It is very difficult to read a text where the commas are surrounded by spaces and every word is capitalized. The rules for writing exist for that reason, so that communication would be easier between people.

I believe that anyone who is passionate about a topic can become a popular content provider, so continue tapping into your authentic point of view and show it to the world!

Best of luck on your journey.

Hello Blaice,

After reading this post and your previous ones, it seems to me as if you are idealizing love and aren’t quite able to accept that other people are different from you. There are also some discrepancies, which would suggest that you might be idealizing yourself as well. None of that bodes well for healthy relationships. Unfortunately you might not see that, but see the problems in the surroundings; if only other people would change, then things would be better.

Perhaps you are shielding your sensitive self, but by doing that, you’re denying it real love and real experiences. The illusion can never be as good as the real thing. Allow your soul the possibility to breathe and to be authentic.