Check out this article entitled “26 Scientifically Proven Superhuman Benefits of Meditation”.

http://www.highexistence.com/26-scientifically-proven-superhuman-benefits-of-meditation/

Number 17 speaks to your question directly.

Hi Steve,

I can empathize completely since I too am riding the online dating wave. (And I use that metaphor purposefully)

There’s learning potential here and it sounds like you’ve already made some insights. You can see and empathize with the desperation of others. You can feel your own. Could it perhaps be that this is the energy that you’re giving off to the universe? Even if through the internet, could it be that you’re unconsciously communicating a certain vibe and hence you’re not getting the results you want?

What if you took a break from it for a while? Found some solid footing to stand on as an individual. Reconnected with yourself. Found confidence in your work, hobbies, families, and friends and let go of the longing for a relationship. And then perhaps, someday, casually, you take another peak behind the relationship door. No major expectations. No lofty goals. No desperation. Just curiousity and openess. “Que sera, sera”.

I say this to you as an anonymous friend who is going through something similar and if I were to give myself any advice, it would be percisely that – let go of the longing, relinquish control and expectations, and look within for that peace, happiness, and even excitement that you experienced when you were dating. If you find it, it will be a lot more lasting and not so depedent on external results.

Ahhh, good old shame and guilt. We meet again. 🙂

Worse than any pain that she or anyone can inflict on you, is the pain that you inflict upon yourself. Even when forgiven, told to forget about it and move on, we continue to replay the scene in our head and wish it never happened. And down we’ve fallen into the shame spiral only to react and drown ourselves deeper and deeper and deeper into the abyss and lose sight of the sunlight completely.

If I breakdown the events, you assessed a person and situation, came up with a hypothesis, tried an experiment by appealing to her sexual side, and your hypothesis was wrong. You acknowledged your error and apologized. She accepted your apology.

It sounds like she’s forgiven you, but can you forgive yourself? Can you be patient? Can you not react? Can you be okay with the discomfort? Can you be okay with the possibility that your relationship may change and go into a completely new and unexpected direction? Can you give her space? You’ve reached out and she hasn’t responded. She may or may not. Can you let that be her choice?

She can’t alleviate your discomfort, your pain, your suffering. She’s can’t make you feel better or make you feel less distraught. You can’t confront her and demand that she make this pain go-away. You can try, but I anticipate you’ll just get pushed away again and perhaps further away

Rather than confrontation and focusing on her, focus on you, forgive yourself, strive to be okay with who you are and what happened, learn from your experience, apply self-compassion, open your heart, and find inner peace. Then, maybe, you’ll radiate an energy that is calm, composed, confident, and more approachable thereby attracting her or perhaps another woman. Can you be open to that possibility?

Hi Chintoo,

Your experience echoes something I myself often experience and so I wonder, did you ask a question because you had a question to ask only to find yourself nervous when asking it OR did you feel compelled and pressured to ask a question in order fill a silent void, relieve the uncomofortable tension in the room, and “make others feel better”?

If it’s the latter, I’m not surprised that you had trouble formulating the question and were feeling nervous. The question may not have been genuine. In my experience, I find that if there’s something I really want to know and something peaks my curiousity, the question just comes up naturally. I still might get nervous once all eyes are on me, but because the motivation to speak stems from a personal need to know, once I get going, the eyes around me disappear and I’m simply conecting with the person I’m addressing. Others may benefit from hearing what I have to ask and the response, but the primary driver is personal and they just become observers in the exchange.

However, if I’m asking a question for the sake of asking a question, I’m not doing it for me. I’m doing it for everyone else in the room. I’m not really looking for a response. I’m not really engaging with the person I’m addressing. I become highly aware of the feeling and mood in the room and I’m unconsciously scanning the situation to see if I’ve successfully broken the tension. If you’re attention is split (addressing the recipient and scanning the room), you’re bound to get anxious and loose your thread.

Next time you feel the tension, see if you can just sit with it and not react. If the floor is open for questions, don’t look around, but look inside. Is there something you REALLY want to know? If so, take a moment to review your notes, reflect on what you heard, and maybe even write down your question before asking. If not, then just stay silent. You’re not there to make others feel better. You’re there to learn, engage, explore, and expand your knowledge.

And I agree with what others have said. Public speaking takes practice. Try out “Toastmasters International”. It’s a great organization that will help with your public speaking. However, always be aware of where your motivation is coming from and make sure you’re speaking because You have something YOU want to share or YOUR asking a question because YOU want to know. Not for the sake of others.

Namaste brother!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Little Buddha.